Care and feeding of Bluetoonist 2.0:
Proper care of your new companion is as simple as relativistic quantum chromodynamics. Your Bluetoonist works best when intellectually stimulated and may not function properly in the presence of astrological belief, uncomfortable shoes, religion, or Budweiser. Your Bluetoonist has two settings: artist and scientist. Try not to leave it on the same setting for too long. Bluetoonist may not function optimally in the morning hours. As Bluetoonist is designed with revolutionary thought-to-speech and audio input technology, excessively loud environments may impede this functionality. Dive bars are recommended. Keep Bluetoonist adequately caffeinated. Do not tell Bluetoonist to "just enjoy" a movie and "don't think about it too much." If at any time you are dissatisfied with Bluetoonist's performance, give him a hug, speak in a calm, rational voice, and whack him soundly on the side of the head. Normal operation should resume within minutes.
Warning: Produced in a facility that processes nuts.
remaining in motion unless acted upon by an external force,
art within strict constraints,
armchair underwater oil well capping,
learning one and only one really complicated song on the piano,
organizing things in ways they weren't meant to be categorized (eg: CDs by color, books by height),
moving my eyes independently of each other,
getting lost on purpose in a foreign city,
throwing parties for invented holidays,
finding mistakes in others' work,
taking broken appliances apart as if I had some concept of how to fix them,
staying awake too late,
rigging particle accelerators to shoot bran muffins,
walking extremely long distances at two in the morning,
adding a line to this list every day until someone tells me to stop,
...and Whack-a-Mole. I can't overemphasize this point.
That I should really put on a jacket,
And I'm opaque. So very opaque.
(b) Slammer Girls, Not Another Literally-Titled Horror Movie Parody, The Big Book of Cheese the Movie.
(c) Boys' voices are good for convincing the populace to invade Poland. Girls' voices are for convincing me I'm in love. Thus, a few whose houses I would paint in exchange for a serenade are Regina Spektor, Jill Sobule, Miss Li, Rilo Kiley, Eisley, Juliana Hatfield, Björk, The Murmurs, Save Ferris, Tori Amos, Evanescence, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Lana del Rey, Dance Hall Crashers, or Sophie Madeleine.
(d) A thin paste of cyanobacteria and americium-241 spread over cold-tempered surgical steel.
Where Mr. Rogers spent the other 23.5 hours of the day, wearing his good shoes and jacket,
The disgusting fact that what we rest our heads on every night is mostly dust mite feces,
How a sitcom joke could have been funnier,
Love stories' slighted third,
Why we pronounce the J in "Vallejo" as if it was Spanish, but the LL and V as if it was English,
The absence of magenta in rainbows,
Which of my friends might be infected with Toxoplasma Gondii,
The common ancestry of Quetzalcoatl and Sinistar,
The unreasonable amount of joy I get walking in the middle of the street instead of within the confines of the sidewalk and the suspiciously likely possibility, therefore, that I may be living in the wrong country,
If the Trans-Siberian gas pipeline sabotage explosion of 1982 really happened,
...and boring a hole to the planet core.
Much of my life has been controlled by giant lasers. Really.
I've drawn 24 liters of comic strips.
I microwave ice cream for eleven seconds before eating. Thirteen if it's Trader Joe's.
My astronaut application was rejected.
Also, one of my favorite movies is real. As for the rest of (a), (b), and (d), I figured you were just as bored as I was reading about how much everyone loves Tom Robbins, the Coen Brothers, and sushi. Which I totally do.
...without explanation or apology, you listed seven things under your six things,
...you can help me with a V4,
...or you need help burying treasure. Or a body. And you have two shovels.