47Smithers, Canada
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My self-summary
Perhaps I should offer a cautionary something along the lines of Neil Gaiman's "Warning: Contains Language." If you are bothered by a writer with an exotic vocabulary, I am definitely not for you.

Think, fast, wait; kick some ass: enlightened to some degree or another; I am rude,crude, and utterly uncultured.

I swore I wouldn't open this re-write with an over used personal pronoun. Mission accomplished: Molson time!!
On occasion I will prowl about looking for a bottle of whiskey I misplaced during my drinking days; However it doesn't properly follow that should I find a bottle, I'll drink it. When I'm drunk, I'm as much fun as a house on fire: people running around, screaming for help, police, EMS; Too much trouble, but if it moves you- fill your boots. Just don't expect a kiss afterwards.

*huurrrmm* When it comes to dating sites, OKC is the best of a bad bunch. Simply put, it has fewer deficiencies and limitations than most. For example: I speak more than six dialects of English; I couldn't tell ya how many tongues I do know, when I hear something familar, I hold forth. The arbitrary offering of 6, I take as a slight against the linguistically supurlative. Further: I read Standard English at 6000 wpm, most other Indo-European forms at 100-300 wpm, with Kanji, Koro, et al at 20+. And no, I don't speak Bocce and I sure as hell wasn't programmed for etiquette and protocol.

A few other complaints in the same vein: No tag for "Poly", (I am), or "Widowed", (That too.) Just try to imagine how bad a day that was. The time of mourning has passed, we now return to our regularly scheduled dating.

I am indifferently proud to be drug and disease free; but drama is quite another matter, as I...hold on one moment...(Lassie? Flipper? What the hell are you doing here? Timmy's trapped in a well, as a result of a money laundering scheme between the Nazi Pope and the C.I.A? Crap. O.K.-I'll find the Filthy Few and crack the armory; we'll settle their hash....) Seriously? I grew up in one of the U.F.O. hotspots of the world; a place where Tibetan monks and Sasquatch roam the hills, all the civic trees are gargantuan bonsai; it's the spot where the first lost nuclear weapon came to earth. Both the CanadArm and the egg carton had their start there, plus much stranger things in between. Anywhere else I'd stick out like a sore thumb, but in the eye of the shiticane of weirdness, I'm just another freak in the freak kingdom. God bless group camouflage.

My weapons grade sense of humor tends to obscure my sincerity and seriousness. Most folks believe that I'm kidding, exaggerating, or flat out lying. I'm not and I don't: I have neither truck nor trade with those who do.

Just to get it out of the way- Yes, I am a member of vanishingly small ethno-genetic group, so if you have some desire to torment your parental units by "nailing a spade"; jes keep walking, girlie. Hommie don't play dat.....there is also a lower age and IQ limit to ride this ride. I'm to old and wise a cat to play with fluff-brained kittens.

One of God's early proto-types, to strange to die, to weird to be mass produced; I've survived things that would have killed 5 normal humans. I grew the weirdy beardy to cover the scars....then "I told the men they go as they pleased, and then prepared to fight...." So, by process of elimination, I had to select Body Type: "Used up" 'cause there be no option for "Rolled Up Like A Tooth-Paste Tube". Though, to be Frank, I would be happy with "Ridden Hard And Put Away Wet". (It's an equestrian thing, you silly girls.) I firmly believe that life should NOT be a stately, courtly procession to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, beer in hand, carcass thoroughly used, bellowing "Now that's a goddamn Harley!" Adherence to this belief has resulted in:

- Nine medals and/or citations including three for "Constructive idiocy in the face of organized hostilities."
-Countless children named for me; I lost track due to a short attention span.
-Four separate warrants for my arrest in non-extraditable nations on charges ranging from "barrantry" to "careless discharge of a fire arm in a residential area". At least I've never tethered an alligator to a fire hydrant.
-Seasonal bouts of PTSD: As fun as a life less ordinary sounds; a lot of the shit yer exposed to is pointless, tragic and bound to haunt you, for at least five minutes after the first spade full of earth lands on yer face.
-Legal blindness in one eye. This in no way prevents me from seizing the controls of some vehicle or another and operating it in a manner reminiscent of a raped ape.
-Multiple broken bones, (including dents in both my supraorbital foramen; Google it- then be amazed.), three dental appliances, and a cane- which, more often than not, I use to gesture meaningfully with, while telling younger folk of the blizzard of '06 or being a VTOL pilot during the Korean war in a previous life. While the use of ones head is most often a wise move, it's application as a battering ram is supremely contra-indicated.

A few times a year some headhunter will catch my spoor, then present an offer; military, corporate, government, media; for Queen and Country, The Corporate States of Halliburton, or just stacks of filthy lucre. My response varies from a firm "No" to a jovial "Why don't you go outside and play a nice long game of hide-and-go fuck yourself?" Unless they send a woman. Then I just slam the curtain.

Martial Arts? Yeah, I know a few; got me a belt, to boot; it's brown, leather and keeps my pantaloons in place. For the most part I have retreated from that scene, the notion of yanking on a scrotum like it was paper towel just fills me with ennui. My dragon slaying days are done. I have, however, created a game preserve to rebuild the dragon population. Only fair since I put such a dent in it. Hence, I too, have taken my place as a teacher, molding the bodies and minds of the next generation of anti-social, scrotum-yanking dragon slayers. (You can hardly conceive of how effective that technique is. You haven't lived until you've had your scrotum yanked with malice. Then you wish you were dead.)

If I had to sum up my being as an archetype, It would be (deep breath) the only Hutt to sit on the Jedi council. A gluttonous, wrathful, lecherous defender of the downtrodden, concerned solely with the true source of light in the universe. And freaky Bangkok monkey lovin'.

What to add?

I am like water: mercurial, adaptive, implacable, life-giving,deadly, and at my best in a hot tub.

I am like earth:constant, cold, volcanic,reliable, and hard as a rock....sometimes.

I am like fire: creative,destructive,inviting, threatening, and a great comfort when camping.

I am like wind:motive, cooling, disruptive, and capable of blowing back yer hair and up yer skirt.

I am the void:like nothing you've seen before or since and sometimes, despite any evidence to the contrary, not present.

Put it all together, what do you have? A complete mess, that's what. Some things must be taken in part and metaphors are all incomplete, needing to be changed just like the oil in your car- every hunnert thousant miles or the first sleep talking epsode- which ever comes first.....

*UPDATE* After having reviewed the results of my various tests, I begin to wonder if I should not be institutionalized as a matter of pubic, (Yea and verily, PUBIC) safety. Fair warning- do not view if you are: underage, easily upset, Born Again, moralistic, a knee-jerk liberal, sex-toy designer,fashion designer, weapons manufacturer, missionary, cannibal, physician, physicist, psychic, coyote, roadrunner, and in all likelihood, a biped. If you do happen to compare my test results to yours without the use of #15 rose-tinted lenses, consult an exorcist, a timelord, and a small cat, then take two anacin, and call me in the next life. Offer invalid outside known space and Quebec (IN OR OUT). (rimshot, applause, curtain, fin.)

(Hmmm, maybe I should move that last bit to the top? Meh, it's probably fine.)

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.” ― Oscar Wilde

“Everyone praises the endurance of the ascetic, but no one appreciates the stamina of the hedonist. To laugh until the throat burns and smoke a cigar to soothe it, to black out but not pass out, to love without climax, to be immortal in the moment – what stoic has such fortitude?”
Bauvard, The Darkness of Nature

"Let what you love be what you do, there are 10,000, 000 ways to kneel down and kiss the ground."- Rumi

"Defiance and resistance are illegal. Therein lies the salvation of man. Everything illegal necessitates integrity, self-reliance, and courage."
Emma Goldman

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict your expectations, limitations and prejudice; I am rounded, internally consistent and hole -Walt Whitman can kiss me arse." -The BuddhistPirate.

"So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life." - Chief Tecumseh.

It has been said that there are 10,000 paths to enlightenment; mine just happened to pass thru a BDSM dungeon, down a primrose path, into a fools paradise, up hill, down stream, on the field of battle, around the maypole, in the outdoors, past tense, beyond words. Oh, yes, before I forget: FREE TIBET! FREE O.J.! FREE THE TWINS! ERIN GO BRAGH! DAMN THE MAN! END THE FED! MEAT IS MURDER! VIVE QUEBEC LIBRE! UNO MAS!

Fuck me. I'm gonna have a lie-down before I write another protest song....*snick* *snore* *poot* ....dickable vineyards...i have to do chores........i'm not a doctor......
(We're sorry, the central nervous system you've tried to reach seems to be temporarily disconnected or out of the service area. Redial as needed, and hopefully regular service will be restored shortly. Or stay on the line and an operator will be with you five minutes after you decide the wait ain't worth the time. Appropiate hold music maybe activated here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08e9k-c91E8&feature=BFa&list=PL50D36A6C3160C554&lf=mh_lolz )

And further...... Some true afficinados of comedy have accused me of plagiarism, sorry, "homage"- nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is this: some time ago, not that far away, and for too few years I was a neighbor to the amazing, incredible, but (unfortunately) non-immortal, Irwin Barker. Such was the similarity in our thoughts, speech and outlook, that despite our differences in age, personal history, socio-economic standing, we fell into immediate, complete and life-long mutual loathing and antipathy.
Irwin Barker:June 13, 1956 – June 21, 2010.
You were an utter dick, but you're sorely missed, sir.
( http://www.irwinbarker.com/ )
What I’m doing with my life
As little as possible; though there are days when I stir from my traditional riparian languor, and then: Speaking truth to power, arming the aware in the frostbelt, working on asymmetrical proofs in abstract and pure maths, cashing my residual checks, reflecting thankfully on how easy Earthgirls are, developing new and painful jointlocks, fishing, hunting and gathering berries for the winter.

Additionally, as time and weather permits, chasing tail with a vigor undimmed by the passage of years, crippling injuries, or any vestige of good sense.
I’m really good at
I have a vast talent for attempting and succeeding at the most horrifyingly haywire things, simply because they have never been done before. Ask me about the time my older brother, a few of his friends, and I built a railgun out of rotary phones that put a lag bolt through a school, the long way; I was six......I haven't grown any more respectful of the laws of man, God, or physics since. Next I plan to repeal the myth of gravity, assuming I can acquire a dozen PS3's, 5 gigawatts of green power generators, 2 metric tonnes of Cornflakes, 2 dozen rhesus monkeys, an apparently random collection of machine and hand tools, one of Blue Mountains best, a 25 litre dewar, and 40 kilos of lead.

In short: working at my own very personal piece of attaining the singularity;as I've bashed away at so many other things.....
The first things people usually notice about me
The fact that I'm much further away than I appear in a mirror, my improbable ability to mosey at 50 KPH, the chin fungus, the crows and ravens that have accepted me as one of their own, the children and small animals that cluster at my feet; I dunno. Maybe it's my unremarked humanoid shape. Or the third eye; blood-shot, bleary and propped open with a allusionary toothpick.............though I kinda suspect it'd be my freakish resemblance to an apathetic anime anti-hero.

Hell, I think I'll ask the next person that notices me-after, of course, their heart rate returns to normal.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Lord of the barnyard (book), The great dictator(movie), Big bang theory(The best T.V. drama ever), Mindless-Self Indulgence(music?),steamed rice with sesame oil(food....sort of):Still Life: An Allegory of the Vanities of Human Life by Harmen Steenwyck (graffiti) Balzac in a Frock Coat, Leaning against a Pile of Books by Auguste Rodin (frog plinth)

I also have a special place in the blackened banana that passes as my heart for: The Violent Femmes, Lemmy, The Poor Man's James Bond, John Saxons "The Big Book of Spite, Malice and Revenge", The Holy Bible; the Navajo translation,(It's a hoot! Much better that the King James.), Mushashi's Five Rings, The Diary of Anne Frank, raw prawn curry(It's to die for!), and "BDSM and assorted other Sexcrimes" by George Orwelts.
Six things I could never do without
Air,water,food,light,freedom of movement ,hope- not necessarily in that order. I quit breathing for three days once, but I wouldn't have made it without gum.

Actually, I have been deprived of all of the above: including the ability to breathe unassisted,(for 79 hours); I can actually "do without"- I'd just prefer not to...
I spend a lot of time thinking about
It has occurred
to me,
how much
electronic communication,
mostly chat,
begins to resemble

Sometimes, I`ll spend a sleepless night trying to decide if the proper Latin evocative/nominative form of "jocular" is indeed "jackass".

Do humans hope for good news first, to numb the pain?

Why are so many folks entranced by fairy tale endings? They're truly shitty for about 50% of the dramatis personae.

Is no gnus REALLY good good gnus?

Who the hell is this Rorschach fellow and why the hell does he keep painting pictures of my parents fighting?

If a person from Poland is a Pole, and a chap from Britain is a Brit, does that make a human from Holland a Hole?

Did Jesus die upon the cross simply because he forgot the safeword?

Is it truly possible that anyone can remain as constant an true as the North Star, from now nigh until death? Or does love just come in spurts?

Properly speaking, would a piece of writing in say, a magazine, about.... oh, the Arctic, would that be an Arcticle?

Why does Santa pass over Jewish kids?

Do sailors prefer to be blown wildly out to sea, or driven a-ground?

How exactly truth and compassion gets inverted in the face of power. God is love, but Satan does that thing with his tongue: http://www.slovo.bg/showwork.php3?AuID=386&WorkID=13571&Level=1
On a typical Friday night I am
Practicing Canadian History; not studying, mind you, practicing.....Thusly it follows-

"Canadian History" is a catch all term for a collection of Northern sex acts so depraved they can't be mentioned on American television.

The original variant, first performed around 1898 in the lawless Yukon territory by "Meaty" Georges Gagnon, a French-Canadian prospector during the Klondike Gold Rush. Georges inflicted the act on many willing and unwilling men, women, legal minors, and domesticated animals (the rumors of this travesty being performed on moose and kodiak bears are unconfirmed). The original incident was referred to as a "Dark stain on Canada's History", ( hence the name), by local politicians, and "the only interesting thing in Canada'" by American papers sensationalizing the Klondike Gold Rush.

Though the details of those early couplings are lost to the minds of mortals, current modern practitioners commonly employ: moose antlers, (for ambiance, personal accoutremant and/ or flagellation), maple syrup, thinly sliced back bacon, (again for flagellation and/or prophylactics, possibly ligatures), canoe(s), beaver pelts, and when available, the Stanley Cup.

A few aficionados also advocate using a live porcupine as a suppository, although such is not really my taste, as it can lead to blindness, insanity, eruptive hair growth, demonic possession and hemorrhoids. Beyond the effects on the porcupine, it won't do you any good, either.

For safety reasons, no attempt should be made with any fewer than four participants, as a minimum of two spotters is de reguier, also acting as secretaries to complete the Canadian Healthcare System form called a 1206c(h), which is to be filled out in the case of injuries resulting from the act. Don't worry, the trauma ward personnel have a procedure in place.

Special note: Should it happen that one or more of the active participants turn out to be virgins at the outset, (as it does sometimes happen), special care should be taken.

A wise fellow once opined that, upon the moment of penetration, the earlobe should be bitten, so as to distract from the sudden shift in world view; as a rule, I tend to sock 'em in the jaw and holler "Pop goes the weasel!"

Ouchy the Clown ain't got nothin' on me.

(Okay, Cupid.......perhaps that's more representative of my ideal weekend.......it could be more accurate to say that I'd be found in a corner, curled up fetally, hiding from lunatic, maniacal monotheists whose grasp of mathematics, history and biology are co-equal with their grip on reality; to wit- tenuous, at best.)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
There are several- and I'll swap 'em out here occasionally;

Every so often I engage in performance art; I have a large collection of custom t-shirts, all with internationally known law enforcement insignia. When I travel to a large population center, I don one under my Mao jacket, then run one and a half laps around a shopping center; after the first jogging lap, I remove the jacket at an entrance, then sprint to the opposite one. I then pass through the mall, flushed, sweating, muttering, barking orders, and jostling consumers, because across my shoulders are the words, "I am a bomb disposal technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." I then recover my jacket and melt away. Childish, I know, but we can't let the terrorizers win.
I don't dial 911. Ever. It's not a macho thing, or a damn-the man thing; every time I've been in a 911 situation since early adolescence, it's transpired that: A. There is no 911 service. B. I have blood up to my elbows. C. Negotiation and understanding are more effective than thuggish law enforcement. Or D. I'm profoundly unconscious.


Every day I thank the Lord God above for all things in Heaven and Earth, especially atheism.

My toes a fully prehensile and capable of independent tool use.

I have a weakness for Cole Porter.
I don’t embrace “normal”, but recognize its social lubrication benefits.
One evening, after an alcohol fueled chap-sake misadventure, my sensei informed me that I was, "...born to hang...". Nice of him to believe I am capable- but I'm pretty sure I can only manage the occasional misdemeanor grade dangle.
"Sloth" is both my favorite animal and sin; which is handy, 'cause for some strange reason, I have a hard time getting worked up over anything.
Assez bien, mais .... parfois je regarde vers le ciel et ne vois que des étoiles mourantes.; alors je me souviens que l'aube ne va pas sans nuit.

I think I might have smoked the proverbial assload of weed, whilst listening to Led Zepplin 4, but I'm kinda hazy on that.

There's something I find fascinating about the clitoris, but even though it's on the tip of my tongue, I just can't put my finger on it.
Role playing games, I don't know to much about, but I have had a lot of job interviews.
I've never seduced a 10, but I did spend a profoundly debauched weekend with two 2's and a 6 pack.
"Lexicon" is not in my vocabulary; although verbal misuse of the word "literally' drives me figuratively berserk, and wish for a metaphorical silver hammer; pataphysically he spoke.

Once, I wacked a guy with a postage stamp; don't fret none - he was a reeeaaallly bad man. 'Course, after that I hung up my metaphorical swords and took to the Dao, that I might better understand the nature of true ability.

I'm so bad at shoplifting, that technically? It's looting.


In truth, OKC has led to more than my fair share of utter fucking nightmare first dates, thusly, I continue to participate out of sheer morbid curiosity, tinged lightly with hope- but more than that adding to this wicked wacky work has become something of a hobby..... I am actually, consciously growing this quasi-organic structure like....one of those upside-down, underground, hangy-thingies.
A whatchamacallit.
A carrot.

Oh yeah, my backpacks got jets.
You should message me if
-you have dbang thang: if not, well you'll defiantly see my garuda.
-you know the difference between a snark, a boojum, and a momorath.
-you're slightly saner than an emu on acid, and possess an I.Q. 280% of you belt size- and yes, I do have a thing for chubby, smart chicks. There 's liposuction for obesity, but, sadly no cure for stupid. :(
-you know why the Pentagon shelled out millions for a mathematical model of the "The zombie apocalypse".
-the idea bounces your begonias.
-you have an intuition as to how to accomplish laser-induced, catalytic apotaxic events in self-assembling nano-structures and want to exchange data.
-you've gotten this far and still thirst for sublime, subversive, sly, soulful absurdity........you may refer to me as "S'.
-you suffer from the tragic condition of not being a Canuck, or have never visited the Peoples Hegemony of Canuckistan and wish to know more; although you should probably start with this primer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6QDjDPRF5c&list=RDBN9i5Z01kFI
-......if secretly, in the still and dark of the night, in your heart of hearts, you wish that Jane Austen had written "Fight Club".
-you don't live or speak in cliches: "Work hard/live hard, the glass is half full, as at home in a cocktail dress as in jeans and a ball cap, seeking a partner in crime." GAAAAH!!! STOP IT!

Feel free to speak yer mind, I am always willing to meet new primates. And should you mention, at any time ,"...how much I enjoy being chaste.....", you better mean "....around the room...."

I'm a lazy messenger. I make copious use of the 'rate 4 or 5 stars' button when I want to express an interest in someone but the writing muse isn't cooperating.

***WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies, projects, advertising, sales, or any other reason-you DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. *** It is recommended that other members post a similar notice.***

....and if you corporate goons REALLY piss me off, my minions will track your data, hand me your home address and I WILL camp on your doorstep....with a guitar; take it on faith-NOBODY wants that.

You made it to the end of this profile!

You win a cookie! To claim your prize go to the nearest supermarket and buy yourself a cookie! Get yourself one of the good one too, or a cupcake... I like cupcakes.... I want a cupcake now.........Holy Carp! Yer still here?!?! Go! Get some air! Have a tea! B'dee-b'dee-B'dat's all folks!
The two of us