24Berkeley, United States
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My self-summary
I am an absolutely terrible male member of the homo sapiens species living on the third planet from an average-sized yellow star in the western backwaters of the galaxy. Sometimes, I like to sit outside and gaze at the stars, pondering the meaning of life. And then it hits me that I left the stove on and the kitchen might be on fire.

I do a lot of regular people things, like eating, breathing, and going to the bathroom. But somehow I think god likes to use me as an example to others - I've been struck by lightning multiple times whilst cursing his name. Though I'm sure that has nothing to do with the fact that I was standing at the top of a treeless hill and shaking an aluminum baseball bat at the sky in the midst of a thunderstorm.

I enjoy the simple things in life, such as the soothing sound of ten thousand vuvuzelas trumpeting in unison, the deep crimson colour of potassium permanganate solution when someone accidentally put her arm in there, and the endless green foliage of a pristine forest marred only by sound of chainsaws and trees falling when there are people around to hear them.

My dream girl would take long walks with me on the beach at sunset, when the golden rays of the setting sun cast that mesmerizing sheen on the sand. We'd feed the seagulls chips laced with Ex-Lax, and watch the ensuing (literal) shitstorm. She'd stand back and take in the big picture, ignoring the small details like the third arm growing out of my chest. She'd love me for who I am regardless of what I turn into at full moon (a giant overweight chicken, that is. Werewolves are too mainstream).

A lot of my friends say that they can read me like a book. I don't quite get what they mean. I'm Finnegans Wake.
What I’m doing with my life
Sciencing the shit out of video games - I'm living every kid's dream of playing video games for a living (seriously, I do neuroscience, and use video games in my experiments in a most likely futile attempt to figure out how our brains represent information and make decisions), although I like to entertain dreams of getting rich by inversing r/wallstreetbets.

I guess I'm an outdoorsy person? I enjoy hiking through the woods, cuddling cute bear cubs, being mauled by mama bear, and running out of the woods with blood gushing out from my wounds. I enjoy whitewater rafting (the people at Splash Mountain know me by name, phone number, credit card number, billing address, and social security number), fishing (though I have been banned from all of the SeaWorld parks for bringing in harpoon guns), and canoeing (I keep hearing banjos, though, and I always need to paddle faster).

Seriously though I like being outside. Yosemite is like an extended back yard, and I have a kayak. Because I like backpacking, I am inadvertently reasonably prepared for disasters, zombies, etc.
I’m really good at
I have an amazing set of survival skills. I can breathe really well (suck up all that oxygen!), and my heart definitely does a good job of pushing blood through my veins (yeah! push that oxygen around!). I can also digest food and produce excrement.

One of my superpowers is giving people diabetes. When I bake things I like to add pounds of chocolate to them.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I am standing half-naked in a pentagram, smeared with the blood of a young lamb, and performing animal sacrifice to Globar, the heathen god of useless trinkets, praying for the resurrection of my dead hard drive.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Yay-uh! Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


It's mathematical!

Bite my shiny metal ass!


I miss me a real slice of pizza. Preferably the dollar-a-slice ones.
Six things I could never do without
- A giant powdery manbaby
- A cooler full of organs
- The mere concept of Applebee's®
- Vigorous jazz hands
- A box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box
- The violation of our most basic human rights.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
- Being worshipped as the one true God.
- The inevitable heat death of the universe.
- Free ice cream, yo.
- Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime.
- A zesty breakfast burrito.

How full of shit I am. Also, secretly wondering how many people actually tried to call me after reading my profile.
On a typical Friday night I am
Dancing on tabletops
Taking too many shots
Thinking we kissed but forgetting
Maxing our credit cards
Getting kicked out of the bar
Hitting the boulevard
Going streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Having a ménage-a-trois
Thinking we broke the law
Always saying we're gonna stop
Doing it all again this Friday night.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I sleep with stuffed animals?

I name all the inanimate objects near and dear to me?

Most of my time in okc is when I'm sitting on the porcelain throne?

I churn credit cards?

I am full of shit? (Literally)
You should message me if
You do not fall into any of the following categories: the dead, the living dead, the reanimated dead, the undead, Tea Partiers (except those in princess tutus and tiaras), bible-humpers, the possessed, the demented, the (self) righteous, aliens, a species chromosomally incompatible with humans, machines designed to resemble humans (except cylons. cylon are hawt), the grammatically or orthographically impaired, two midgets in a trench coat (though I do love adorably short people), a single midget in a trench coat on stilts, or oompa loompas.

Or, in the unlikely event that one has missed my eyes, you noticed a typo in my profile.

Or, especially if you understand the concept of keming, and the visual appearance of that word just made you cringe.

Or if you enjoy singing along (horribly) to Broadyway showtunes in the car.

Did you really read all the way down here, and didn't skip the middle? Kudos to you! I owe you a cookie! Call 985-655-2500 to arrange your cookie delivery by a team of highly trained monkeys.
The two of us