32Santa Monica, United States
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My self-summary
I write funny songs for a living.

Here's what one of them looks like:

My likes: My turn offs

My turn offs: Things I like

I HATE when guys put up pictures on this site of themselves in a mirror with their shirt off! It's giving a bad name to guys like me who just really wanted to show off their belts.

If you blur out the faces of your friends in your pictures on this site, I just assume that your friends are hotter than you, and now I want to date them.

I was born in California. I was conceived in Kansas.
I have also lived in Chicago and North Carolina.

I love my family. I have two of the best parents in the world. One is a mom. The other is a dad. I also have a younger brother and two younger sisters. By my math, that makes me the oldest of 4.
I've earned a BFA in Acting from The University of North Carolina at Greensboro. I'm actually using my degree. IN YOUR FACE HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER COACH!

I love when a girl calls me cute. I can't think of a hotter adjective than cute.

I love playing soccer. I hate watching soccer.
I love hanging out with funny people. Unless they are trying to be funny. That is the worst.
I take that back. I don't love hanging out with funny people. I like hanging out with normal people who are accidentally funny all the time.

I know everyone says it, so I'll say it too; a sense of humor is the most important thing to me. I get along best with people who have a sharp mind, quick wit, and an understanding of the sarcastic language.
I also get along best with good looking people.

I work on my own, but I love playing with friends. I also like playing Words With Friends. I used to be real into Angry Birds, but it kept making me angry.

When women on OKCupid say they are not into games or drama, I just assume they hate Cranium.

I'm really...uh, what's the opposite of down to Earth? High to Mars? Yeah, I'm high to Mars. But I don't do drugs.

Honestly, are you still reading this? You didn't just click on my pictures and judge me? I don't believe you. I think you are lying.
What I’m doing with my life
Making people laugh. Sometimes I get paid for it.

I play guitar every day.
I play XBOX every week.
I play soccer every weekend.

I just told you that I play guitar every day so that you would think I'm hotter. Did it work? I don't understand the phenomena of girls finding guys who play guitars to be hot. It's not hot. Trust me. If a guy mentions that he plays guitar, he's a douche. Except for me. I'm really cool.
Also, if a guy tells you he's really cool, he's a douche. Except for me. I'm really cool.

I write a lot of humor. Sometimes it's funny, too.

I travel a lot, too. Touring colleges, mostly. The bonuses are my summers are usually pretty free, and I always have Christmas off.
I'm also supposed to start performing on cruise ships so...I don't know if anyone is looking for some awesome vacation perks of dating a comic, but there are none...

Las Vegas is my favorite place to visit, but I never want to live there. I am currently banned from Harrah's Casinos. Because they are stupid.
I’m really good at
Making balloon animals.

But only worms, snakes, and the letter "I"
The first things people usually notice about me
My eyes, or something else.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I can't think of my favorite book that is also a movie and a show and music and food, so I'm going to separate them into different categories. Sorry.

Books-1984, LAMB, I am America, And So Can You, The Internet is a Playground, and I'm currently on chapter 7 of the menu at Cheesecake Factory.

Movies- The Big Lebowski, Toy Story, The Jerk, Ace Ventura, The Dark Knight, Tommy Boy, Drive, Inception, Austin Powers 1 and 2...didn't care for the 3rd or 4th ones.

Shows-Modern Family, Arrested Development, Archer, The Daily Show, South Park, Sunny in Philadelphia, Colbert Report, Tosh.0, Louie, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Breaking Bad, Reno 911, Eastbound and Down, The Walking Dead, Wilfred, The Newsroom, The Wire, Game of Thrones (which I don't actually watch, but I know exactly what is going on at all times because my friends on Facebook are idiots, and think the world only revolves around them, and they ruin every episode in their status update Sunday nights).

Music- Not country. Unless it's Chris Gaines.
Simon and Garfunkel and Hall and Oates are my 4 all time favorite bands.

Foods- Olive Garden.
But I would NEVER take a date there. Cause when you're there, you're family. And that's gross.
Six things I could never do without
1. My Guitar. (I just said that again, so you'd still think I'm hot)
2. My fingers. (They are responsible for most things I do)
3. Floss. (Because I hate things getting stuck in my teeth)
4. A Boom-a-rang (I forgot how to do this for a while. Then one day I tried throwing one again, and it all came back to me.)
5. My name (So I know when to turn my head to someone)
6. Whitney Houston
I spend a lot of time thinking about
why so many Asian men check out my profile
On a typical Friday night I am
Oh, I don't know. Nothing specific...Probably sitting in my room, waiting by the phone, hoping for someone to call me to come hang out. When someone does finally call, I really don't feel like going out anymore, so I'll just turn on the TV, or play some video games. Then that person that called me, will usually just show up to my place and force me to go hang out with him and his college buds that are in town for this weekend only. So I'll put my pants back on and head out to a bar, where I will buy one beer, so that people don't think I'm weird, and hang out with people that I don't care about who act like everyone I despised in high school, talking about "this company I'm starting up blah blah blah" until it is finally closing time, at which point my friend drives me home, apologizes that I didn't have a good time, and then invites me to get lunch with him the next day.

Some Friday nights I go bowling.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I recently got hit on at a bar by a girl who looked like Macaulay Culkin.
Needless to say, she went home alone.
You should message me if
you want to.

It makes me feel special, even though I know I'm not.

Also, message me if you want an acronym based on your name. For example: Brian

Or message me if you want to tell me how you got that tiger to just lay there while you took a picture with it...I'm super interested...
The two of us