I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up inclines with unflagging speed, I am an expert in Akido, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I am the subject of numerous documentaries, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden, I enjoy urban hang gliding.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless pool shark. I have a golf handicap of 4. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week. When I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are paid on time.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a whisk and a sandwich toaster.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess tournaments at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
News update: I am currently out of the office but will be back shortly