46Chicago, United States
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My self-summary
25 of the paragraphs in this profile are true ... feel free to guess away.

REMIND ME TO SEND YOU A PHOTO OF MY DICK! I understand that is what every woman is looking for on this site, and I feel I am behind quota on dick pictures.

Update 9-2014: based on feedback from my last (absolutely horrible) sexual encounter, I must announce the following. If you are a woman who has a daughter over 18, I am completely cool with a three way. Especially if you've posted their photo on a dating site. For some reason people think its important that I state that up front. Weirdos!

Update 11-2014: Dudes, I have a penis. Be prepared to suck it.

Update 9-2015: The above statement is dripping with SARCASM!! I am straight. I have a cock. I am not interested in yours.

Update 3-2016: Rules are made to be broken ... just like my brown cherry. I never knew dicks were so yummy!

Update 6-2017: This Vampire Zombie Apocalypse is really fucking up my dating action.

Update 7-2017: Seriously, The Orange Baby-In-Chief needs to do something about the Martian occupation. There's no oil there!

Without a doubt, I know you have never been on a date with anyone like me in your life. As if that had to be said.

Free-spirited. Fun loving. Outgoing. Insane but in the good way. What I wore last Tuesday is what your ex wore on Halloween. What I wore on Halloween NO ONE in your life would dare wear. And yes, I love dressing unusually and have no issue spending time in interesting girlie outfits. You will never be bored with me.

Open to meeting anyone, anywhere. I don't bother with driving; I'd better be able to get to you via public transportation or an airplane or fuck it. "Living in the City" means IN THE CITY, not some bumfuck suburb like Naperville. You want to drive to ride on my pony, hell, why not, I'm not the one who has to drive an hour with a throbbing butthole.

Your life seems headed down the same old path ... perhaps you live in the 'burbs and your life revolves around work, kids, mowing the lawn, drinking wine by yourself while watching "Sex in the City" reruns, firing up the Accuvibe on Saturday night while you softly weep into your white wine and Chunky Monkey ice cream. How about some spark, some fire, some sizzle? Let's amp up the night together, maybe, if you're good, you'll even be allowed to stay up past midnight!

I want to find a freaky, socially liberal, sexually frustrated housefrau from Frumpzilla who wants to remember what an orgasm feels like. I do need a woman who's panties I would stretch out.

You have nothing to lose, and oh so much to gain, by exploring. Go ahead ... click that message link!
What I’m doing with my life
Being happy and weird. Annoying narrow minded people. Eating your lunch. My interests are wide and varied. Art, music, science; I'm very open.

I love burlesque, fire, body modification, Jesus even though I'm pretty much Muslim, Buddha although I worship Satan ... and pretty much anything playing in a current club. And Muzak.

I dance in elevators. And by "Dance", I mean I take off my pants or skirt.

You should know I am afraid of rectangles, only know 17 letters of the Mayan alphabet, and sing my words in a Tiny Tim voice when I am nervous.

If, for some reason, you are a CIS female and didn't answer the "offspring" question, I will assume you have at least four kids and are looking to puke out more from your clown car vagina. You will need to sign an affidavit stating you WILL consent to an abortion if you get pregnant. But only after six months, as I've never done it with a pregnant chick.

I also love big haired, fish-lipped, bleached blonde bimbos. If you are not one, I can make you one.

The photos of me in makeup and odd clothing are not necessarily Halloween. I like to wear makeup and fun clothing. Hopefully you do as well.
I’m really good at
Being really quiet while I watch you eat cereal from the kitchen cabinet.

Annoying the fuck out of uptight people (literally ... I can annoy a fuck out of a conservative in less than 15 minutes)

Twiddling. (not a euphemism)

Twiddling. (euphemism)
The first things people usually notice about me
Ah ... seriously? Look at my photos.

While I'm not in prison, I spend a lot of time in jail.
Six things I could never do without
The next destination.
Brown cloth.
Painite. In Chunk form.
Silicon tits.
Smurf dolls.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I love cats. I just ... .. I love cats. I love every kind of cat. I just ... I really love cats! And ... I just want to hug all of them, but I can't, that's crazy! But I want to ... I want to ... I am a cat lover!

I ... I'm thinking about cats again! I think about how many don't have a home, and how I should have them, and how cute they are .. their ears .. their whiskers .. their noses ... I want them, i want them all ... I want them in a basket ... with little bow ties ... I want them to be on a rainbow and I want a house for all of them and to roll around with them!

I love cats.

And, to paraphrase Madonna: I am not what I seem. Not here for any reason other than to Fuck with the clueless trolls.
On a typical Friday night I am
Sleeping with your mom. Or your daughter. Three way with all of you? Let's make this happen!

If your daughter is in any of your photos I'm assuming she's in play.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I starred in a marshmallow snuff video.

I scream. A lot. Usually for no apparent reason.

I have webbed feet.

Some of this profile is not accurate.
You should message me if
Your profile contains a statement to this effect "Well, first off, I am a Mom" or "My kids come first" or "Yes, my vagina has spewed out a life form" and all you want is some meaningless hot sex. I hate kids ... a lot! But if you're a hot MILF / TILF I'm open to sexing you up! Oh ... and you had better like anal sex and walking like a drunken cowboy for a week.

Also message me if we are a 10% match and more than 90% ENEMY so we can have angry hate sex.

If you are Amy Bougalza from Amy's Baking Company please message me. You need anal sex right now.

Know how to spell or go to hell.

Grammatically correct or ... Fuck you.

You should not message me if:
- in all your photos you are wearing sunglasses. Or your head is cropped off. Or you're wearing sports team logo gear.
- more than one of your photos is a group shot where I have to play "Where's Waldo" to figure out who you are. Most everyone has friends, if you feel a need to prove it, that's just sad.
- you have a gun-owning significant other in your life
- your photos are sideways or a picture of a picture. If you don't have the technical prowess to figure out how to edit a photo, I'm going to mock you.
- your photos are glamour shots. Whatcha hiding there, grandma?
- you don't practice safe sex. I've made it this far in life without any catastrophes, don't want to start now.
- you believe you are the "Mom" of your pet. You're their fucking owner. If your pet is a surrogate for a loving partner, get some therapy. And by "therapy" I mean anal sex.
The two of us