39Long Beach, United States
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My self-summary
I am a riddle, shrouded in mystery, wrapped in a tortilla, within an enigma. I have a sometimes dark, sometimes sophomoric, sometimes sophisticated sense of humor. I like to be silly, but am self-aware enough to know when it and isn't appropriate. I prefer someone who can dish it out as well as they can take it, but also knows when to stop. Someone who doesn't confuse a dark sense of humor with just being an asshole. There is a difference.

A friend, whom I hold in high esteem, recently called me, "the nicest fucking person on the planet." I wouldn't go that far but I, dark humor aside, try to be decent whenever possible. I'm intellectually curious and, I like to think, fairly bright--and yet I have a spotty academic record and have done some stupid things in the past. I try my damnedest to learn from my mistakes. I am constantly working on my shortcomings. I try to count my blessings every day, because I actually do lead a pretty charmed life.

Perhaps the most extraordinary thing about me is my circle of friends. I'm an awesome friend to a select number of awesome people. I cherish them, even if I don't always say so. I am fun to be around, but I also need my space.

I crave open lines of communication. I fall down on this, sometimes, myself, but it's what I'm striving for. Someone who will tell me like it is, tactfully yet truthfully. Without resorting to innuendo or insults--always with the best of intentions.

I want someone who's grown in and out of relationships, who is complete with or without me...or anyone else, for that matter. Someone intelligent, strong, and funny--yet humble. Someone whose pain has manifested itself into compassion rather than bitterness. Someone ambitious--for life's passions, not for money. Someone who appreciates culture, but isn't a snob about it. A grown-up, without being stuffy. That enjoys Disneyland. And spur of the moment road trips. And Mystery Science Theater 3000. Quick-witted, warm, and who is OK with lazing about in our undies on a Sunday watching football until we finally decide we want to go to Venice and people-watch over lunch. Someone kinda like me. But maybe with boobs.
What I’m doing with my life
I recently quit a soul-crushing job in construction management and am back in school majoring in Creative Writing. Eventually, I'd like to publish some sci-fi and/or teach high school English. To pay the bills, I'm sort of a poster child for the grey economy: I work as a bartender, do transcription, and deliver for Uber. I also do a lot of volunteer work when I have time.

I've also dabbled in stand-up comedy and sports blogging. I may get back into one or the other...or both...if I have the time.
I’m really good at
Making my dog's life awesome. He's super-sweet, and he was abused pretty severely as a puppy (before I adopted him), so he definitely deserves it. Consequently, If he doesn't like you then you have no chance with me.

Anthropomorphizing animals and inanimate objects. Though for some reason, everything I give voice to has either a Brooklyn or Cockney accent.

Also, back scratches. No really, I'm the goddamn best at it.

And my Bloody Marys are awesome.
The first things people usually notice about me
They can never quite figure out what the Hell I am. Popular guesses include: "Some type of Middle-Easterner", Jewish, Italian, Greek, or anywhere in the Mediterranean for that matter. As one comedian put it,"I'm a little miscellaneous in the face." For the record, I'm of Mexican descent--with a hint of Dutch on my mom's side.

I can also be awkward as fuck, but I'd like to think in a charming way. Also, I smile pretty easily...despite sometimes having "resting bitch face". Or, as my grandma would have said, "having a puss on".
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
(A) Anything by Haruki Murakami, Jasper Fforde, Franz Kafka, Douglas Adams, Ann Beattie, Harlan Ellison, Margaret Atwood, James Baldwin, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Ursula Le Guin, etc.

(B) Jaws, Amadeus, The Godfather, Godzilla movies, Bridesmaids, The Usual Suspects, Airplane, anything Monty Python, Star Wars (not the prequels), Let the Right One In, Despicable Me, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, most Pixar films, etc.

(B-a) Bob's Burgers, Archer, Mystery Science Theater 3000, House, Sherlock, The Office (U.S. and U.K.), The Undateables, Top Gear, and anything Norm Lear did in the 70s: All In the Family, Good Times, Maude, Sanford and Son, The Jeffersons. I was born about a decade too late for my taste in television. Thank goodness for syndication.

(C) Radiohead, Depeche Mode, Massive Attack, Morrissey w/ and w/o The Smiths, Portishead, The Cure, Ladytron, Helio Sequence, Hooverphonic, Bjork, The Beatles, Air, Sia, David Bowie, Gotan Project, Pink Floyd, New Order, Stars, Zero7, Van Morrison, Weezer, Headwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack, Kinky Boots Soundtrack, etc. I also like classical music, oldies, some jazz; I'm open to a lot of things but I'm also very particular.

(D) Any combination of chocolate and peanut butter, Thai, pizza, Mexican, Indian, Jewish delis, pho, dim sum, Korean BBQ, Texas BBQ, Carolina BBQ, etc.

One thing I hate though, is dried fruit in desserts. Raisins, cranberries, blueberries, etc. Fruit by itself is fine as a snack food, but don't try to pass that shit off as dessert. Otherwise we'll have to fight. If dessert were an 80s teen movie high school, I'd definitely be the sterotypical, letterman jacket-wearing douchebag villain.

"Look, raisins, your kind just don't belong here, man. Dessert High is for chocolates ONLY! Why don't you go back to the Valley where you came from. Where you belong." (Peels of in a Camaro with hot girlfriend--who happens to be a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup--while a Simple Minds song plays in the background)
Six things I could never do without
My iPod, underpants, 8.5 hours of sleep, my dog Gunther, NPR, road trips, 'Too Cute', single malt scotch, sports, and Yogurtland. Sorry, OkC, ten just satisfies my mild OCD better than six.

In addition, here are some things I could definitely do without:

Coffee, sushi, soccer, religion, Ayn Rand, heights, hashtags, overt signs of wealth, apathy, anti-vaxxers, creationism, the Kardashians, Whole Foods, and 'Twilight'.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Butts. Burgers. Music. I'm basically an amalgamation of the entire Belcher family from 'Bob's Burgers'.
On a typical Friday night I am
Plotting your demise. Or working. Or both.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
The two apps I use the most on my iPhone, by far, are Family Feud and Dominoes. Apparently I've skipped turning into my parents and went right ahead turning into my grandparents. If I start watching '60 Minutes', or begin referring to 'Matlock' or Telenovelas as "my stories", just shoot me.

I don't hate that "Roar" song by Katy Perry.

And if you fill out this section with something like, "Ummm...if i said then it wouldn't be very private LULZ.", I'm going to judge you. Hard. It's not asking for the nuclear codes or your social security number, people.
You should message me if
You love animals. You're a bit nerdy. You're nice to your waiter/waitress.

I'm WAY more likely to respond if you write more than "hey", "what's up" or some other generic greeting. Put a little thought into it, personalize it a bit. Show some sign that you actually read my profile, then you're much more likely to get my attention.

Also, you don't have any ridiculous preconceptions about bisexuality. And if you answered "No" to the "Would you date (or marry) someone who is bisexual?" question, but still message me...seriously, why would I bother?

Definitely message me if you want to talk about hockey.
The two of us