38Fisk, United States
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My self-summary
I was raised by wolves. Although I've shed most of my bad habits and extra body hair, sometimes I drag my butt on the carpet just for shits and giggles. (don't knock it till you try it)

After being reintegrated into society I took a job at a local factory that makes special ski masks that are used for only crime. It was demanding, but I still had time to get a periwinkle belt in space judo and a liscense to drive with corey haim. (or the other one, who knows?)

I've also been called crazy, weird, sexy, and a hopeless romantic, but really what do the doctors know? I also have an intense internal monolouge so it's really not neccesary to talk to me at all. I just want a girlfriend so my girlfriend will stop calling me gay.

My favorite color is blue and it's also my favorite type of fruit.
What I’m doing with my life
Me and my plucky sidekick "Nematoad" solve crimes and prevent the dastardly deeds of one, Snidely Whiplash. Much of that involves gunplay, explosives, and the proper disposal of dead bodies.

I also enjoy knitting while riding my pet unicorn "piper".

ALTERNATE DOUCHEBAG ANSWER: You know, livin. trying to get my stuff together. I need to move out of my mom's basement and find Ms. right now and later. (could be you if you're lucky) I'm also working on my kick ass abs and practicing up on water boarding. I'm collecting tapout and mma shirts. Totally thinking about putting my hat into the ring. It's a great way to work out any pent up aggression.
I’m really good at
The things that I am good at would blow your mind... that is, if I could think of anything. oh, wait... I'm on a dating site so I'll say, foot massages, listening to your stupid problems, remembering things women tell me when I'm in a hurry, remembering birthdays, fixing stuff, loving cats, killing spiders, and delivering soul crushing orgasms. I probably missed a few things, so when you think of them just assume I'm good at those things too.

I'm also good at cage fighting. It's about time someone took those cages down a peg. What with their tophats, monocles, and haughty attitudes.
The first things people usually notice about me
Well first I'd like to say that I'm a nudist, so they generally don't recognize me at all... just joking. It's usually the acne, and all the goth jewelry. No wait, I'm pretty sure I'm none of that either.

ahhh... I've got it, it's usually the bloody knuckles and the human ear necklace I wear everywhere, or the odor and the spider related super powers...

wait, no. I've got it! they get a creepy uneasy feeling because I scan them with my mind tomography while I shoot deathrays into their eyeholes.

another thing that most people notice about me is that I have a birthmark on my arm in the schappe (I'm just going to assume that is german for shape) of a giant carrot robot fighting off 300 llamas with a water hose and an arm chair.

Also my hipster glasses. I usually get positive comments about them right before the heads start exploding.

oh, and weiners.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
mouse hunt for movies, and anything by dr. suess for books. As far as food is concerned an explosion robbed me of my taste buds so I'll eat anything... (anything ;))until I have the tongue replacement surgery.
I also dig the feeling of vast interconnectedness after reading everybody poops. It fills me with communal awareness that everybody is working together for one common goal. (or it could be mexican food, I can never tell)
the music I enjoy is played through a plasma speaker in the middle of my living room, because fuck you common sense, I like to be inches away from a lighting bolt while I dance.
Six things I could never do without
1. Valtrex- You know, for the herpes.
2. computer- you know, for writing stupid crap online.
3. food- Not for me so much, since I feed on fear, but for others that visit.
4. Lotion- makes the skin soft.
5. hose- incentive to use the lotion.
6. robot army- obviously.
bonus answer:
7. Bonus answers.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
world domination and that burning sensation from all the failed attempts.

angst... and why some people think it's cool... I'm talking to all the female Holden Caufields out there, You know who you are. Don't try to hide we've seen the profiles. (I mean it's totally not that bad and if you have a bad case of the angst you should totally hit me up, unless you don't know what angst is and then you should totally hit me up and I'll tell you. Then it will be ok to hit me up with non angst related questions)

OH... AND LOLCATZ. I want sum Cheezburgerz pleese. CLASSIC!
On a typical Friday night I am
I do alot of wondering. I wonder if it's gay that I had thpse inapropriate sweaty dreams about optimus prime. I wonder what human flesh tastes like if you cook it first. I wonder about the word " wonderful" and hope that it refers to someone who is really confused all the time. I wonder if I'm ever going to get these feet broken in. I wonder what your having for breakfast tomorrow because I live under your sink.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Ok prepare to have your mind blown... I enjoyed the first season of the surreal life. You can turn your head away in shame at any time you want.

I can only eat soft cheeses on tuesdays and I'm terrified by the sound of plastic. I also have TWO testes.

I also shed a tear when Uncle ben died in the first spiderman movie.
You should message me if
You actually want to do so... I'm not coercing you, but I will say that I know for a fact that the google earth sat has a death ray on it, and I may or may not be able to control it. so... it's totally your choice. If you want... to live. BWAHAHAHAhahahaha!

Your profile is loaded with...
A: pictures of you hanging on dudes that you've had sex with.
B: Pictures of you duckfacing like a pro. (stitute)
C: Pictures absent of smiles or any indication that you've ever had one.
D: Pictures of me showering.
E: High angle shots that make your eyes pop and cleavage inescapeable.
F: Pictures of your penis.
G: Pictures of your cat's penis.
H: alphabetized lists.
I: The phrase, "I've been hurt in the past..." and the past means less than 15 minutes ago.
J: A total lack of sarcasm.
K: biting criticisms. (Like this.)
These are the things that make you unlovable. Now that you know, feel free to lie to me about them later and I will do my best to love you inappropriately. (Is that creepy? sounded kinda creepy)

Ok... you've got through all of the silliness. If you've got this far with a smile on your face maybe even with the occasional titter or giggle. Congratulations! You're probably awesome! I have a little information for you. (and yes it's actually real) I have two daughters. They're awesome. They live with me. I have over two hundred college credit hours and no degree. I'll go back to get my BS sooner or later, but right now I like my job and it pays me enough. I'm easy going. I like road trips and travelling. for some reason my kids love caverns and mines and I take them whenever I can. That's some real info, but I suppose the subterfuge told more about me than anything: I'm not looking for just anybody. I have photos and if you read this hit me up. Now back to the show.

...and don't message me if you're just looking for casual sex. All my sex happens in ball rooms while wearing tuxedos. If you're not into that I suppose I could lower my standards to sex in fancy restraunts. (tie required)

If your profile is REALLY specific. I love it when the ladies throw out the (insert eye color) and (hair color) adonis that's made of money, and has a Phd. That also loves all your hobbies, shares all your intrests, and won't judge you even if you shoot a preacher in the face with a shotgun filled with babies. I assume women that specific have daddy issues or secretly want to have sex with their brother and I'm all about shameful freak sex.

You can also message me if there is some sort of emergency like a fire or home invasion and the only thing you have is a laptop that's stuck on my profile. I'll contact the authorities on your behalf. (eventually)
The two of us