But sometimes they don't make sense
I've given up the standard profile with the "I love to travel, am down-to-earth, and really laid back". Most women say they want an intelligent guy with a good sense of humor, so I've listed some things that I find interesting or funny - either about myself or about life in general. Enjoy!
They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Jesus is like Elvis...Both became much more popular and were seen more after they died. I like their body of work, but their fans are f#cking annoying.
For most Christians, the bible is like a software license agreement: don't read it, just scroll to the end and click "I Agree"
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Religion is like a pen!s. It's okay to love yours and be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public or shove it down my throat.
The show 'Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader' isn't really about how dumb adults are. It's an indictment of an education system that teaches grade-schoolers useless information that they will not retain or find applicable in adulthood
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!" then you're just wasting everyone's time
Broad generalizations are always wrong.
Favorite bumper sticker: On a compact car: “Nice Hummer. Sorry about your pen!s.”
I’ll know I’ve “made it” when I have a midget in my posse.
I love to cook. People that say they can't cook are basically admitting that they can't follow directions.
Whenever I kill a spider in my house, I wonder if yesterday he thought we were roommates and today I had a psychotic break?
What are snails even trying to do?
I absolutely love to sing and dance. I have limited talents for both.
I’m exceptionally creative, but in a “let’s knock out this wall” kind of way and not so much in a “let’s write poetry and get matching tattoos and both wear women’s jeans to be ironic” kind of way.
I want to poke old people at funerals and whisper, “You’re next.”
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege
I want to be a teacher just for a week so I can write a multiple-choice test where all of the correct answers are “C”...except one
Is it just me, or when someone says, "I'll try anything once", do you just automatically think "anal"?
47% of all statistics are made up on the spot
“Hell is other people.” -Sartre
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.
My cat is named Captain Tripp. I sometimes wonder what he has named me?
I think it's great that people adopt pets that no one else wants, but please stop saying you “rescued” it with that self-satisfied superiority in your voice. You didn’t run into a burning building. You went down to the pound to get a free dog.
Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was worth it
I’ve submitted both a job application and a personal reference as a series of limericks. (really!)
I support abortion, but only through the 23rd trimester
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
I had ten entries in a pun-writing contest. Did any win? No pun in ten did.
Kleptomaniacs don't understand puns because they take things, literally.
Yeah, I'm the opposite of that.
I think that sometimes intimidates people. They see me and think that I'm reading their mind or that I must be contemplating some deep and meaningful idea. I'm actually thinking about jelly beans.
I read pretty much every day. I only buy used books and much prefer fiction to non. Some favorite books and authors:
A Prayer for Owen Meaney, Hitchhikers Guide, Christopher Moore, Orson Scott Card, Tom Clancy, Jack Whyte, Wilbur Smith, Ken Follett
Every time you watch reality TV, a book commits suicide.
Total movie dork. Most movies make me cry. (I manage to do this in an acceptably masculine way.)
I usually just catch shows on Netflix, so I'm always a year behind everyone else. Some that I've liked: Archer, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Weeds, Dexter, Walking Dead, Vikings, Jessica Jones, The West Wing
"Glee" is my guilty pleasure show.
I try to give ALL music a chance. I can discuss thematic figures in Beethoven and colors of Gershwin, but the next song on my playlist is Miley Cyrus. I get bored when it becomes overly repetitive, so the screaming death metal gets old for me pretty quick. My favorite right now is Blair Crimmins and The Hookers. You just don't hear modern Dixieland everyday. I also like The Shins, Yeah yeah Yeahs, Grateful Dead, Zac Brown, Guster, Flogging Molly
I'm a strict omnivore. I love, love, LOVE food and have a hard time relating to people that voluntarily limit themselves.
I'm slowly trying to feel out my friends because I want to create an open house Friday. It seems to me that no one ever just "gets together". Everything has to have some sort of firm plan with a start and a finish and evites and expectations and GPS directions and has to be Liked on Facebook. Remember way back when before texting and Facebook and two thousand TV channels? People used to just stop by their friends' and neighbors' houses and chat, play a board game, drink some beers, watch a ball game...
I want to bring that back. Just create a standing invitation for everyone I know to drop by every Friday night and bring friends, food, and drink. No, I'm not having a party. I'm not making hors d'oeuvres or getting a keg. There's no theme. There's no special event. When people show up, we'll decide what to do. Maybe we just have drinks and sit on the porch. Maybe we go out dancing or bowling or karaoke-ing. Maybe we lounge around in the hookah room (Yes, I built a hookah room). Maybe we make a plan to have a theme for next Friday. Don't know. Don't care. I just want to get back to connecting with people in a more human way and welcome friends of friends into my tribe. Am I crazy? Does anyone else think this is a workable idea? Do other people already have this type of life, and I'm just missing out?
Other people flirting: "Hey! You're really pretty. Would you like to go out sometime?"
Me flirting: "So do you like bread?"
I'd like to think that I'm open-minded enough to not have any firm deal breakers - and none of these are - however, if forced to declare what I want, my list might look like this:
Omnivore: food is love. On a food acceptance scale of 1-10, with ten being "I'll eat whatever the chef/host serves me" and one being "What, are you a three-year-old?", I'm about a 9.5. I'm going to need you to be at least a 7.
Childless: Your child is your world. I get it, but I want to be your world
Non-Smoker: except 420, which is encouraged
Non-Religious: because science