One of us is a terrible person, it's me.
These boxes are silly. You only come to my profile cause you think I'm cute/ could be cute/ or you're cringing cause you clicked accidentally.
So now it's time to reel you in with how funny/interesting I am. Luckily for you I am both of these things. I'll just make a funny/interesting list.
• I went to school for musical theatre, but now I sing just in a Jazz Ensemble. But I also sing pop, RnB, blues, Rock, Folk, and Opera.
• I think all incense smells like hippy farts.
• I hate ketchup, mayonnaise, pickles, and grape flavored food. Also, pumpkin spice beverages are disgusting!
• I like bacon, Netflix, Pizza, and Oxford commas.
• I worked with adults with special needs and children with Autism. I loved my guys and if you use the "R" word, I'll educate you, very loudly, on why it's wrong.
• I'm also a really great server and bartender. I can carry a tray in one hand up and down spiral stairs on a boat.
• I've hand crafted drinking games based on Law and Order SVU, LOTR, every disney movie, and now OKCupid.
• I used to be ugly. And fat. So now I don't go to buffets. Real talk, I've lost 80 lbs and I'm still trying to drop more.
• I teach the children I nanny to do silly things; make seal noises, the stanky leg, and to say "ahhh" after taking a drink out of their sippy cups.
• I have multiple power tools, know how to throw a punch, almost never wear makeup. Cause my dad tried to raise me as a boy and or lesbian- he was unsuccessful with the final product.
OKCupid drinking game
everytime someone says:
I love the outdoors
Looking for a nice girl/guy
And everytime a profile has a disclaimer or warning. (Yes, like the one below)
Warning: I don't own Uggs or a North Face, I don't care about name brands. And I often wear spandex as pants. Lastly, I work seven days a week, at two different jobs, I'm busy and don't have time for small talk.
• I'm diabetic and allergic to most foods- but I like beer and vodka.
• I just want someone to jam with - you play, I'll sing
• I am sex positive, if you don't know what that means Google can help!!
• I'm a feminist, in that I think men and women are and should be treated as equals, I also don't believe in traditional gender roles in relationships- you can cook and clean too, just like i can get my hands dirty and open my own doors. So if any of that bothers you or is too much of a challenge to your idea of masculinity, keep it moving.
• Lastly, it is astonishing how terrible some of your profiles are, if you're too lazy to fill out your profile, I'm too lazy to have a polite discussion with you.
Ps. If you refer to Women as "females" we absolutely will not get along.
Teaching myself guitar and piano.
Being a bro
Serving overpriced breakfast foods, to idiots that will pay for it.
Being a nanny
Paying off debt so I can go back to school.
I'm also really excellent about cooking. In a way different from most, in that, I'm terrible.
The non hair.
I'm usually yelling about something I'm passionate about.
Television: The Office, You're the Worst, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Transparent, Grace and Frankie, Hoarders, This is Us
Books: Tarzan series, Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Calvin and Hobbes, Treasure Island, Augusten Burroughs, David Sedaris, J.R.R. Tolkien, Edgar Rice Burroughs
Music: Backstreet Boys, 90's: pop, RnB, hip hop. Michael: Buble, Jackson, Bolton, Hozier, James Bay, X Ambassadors, Sia, Celine Dion
Food: mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, Italian, beer, vodka, steak, burgers
Like, who was the zoning comissioner in Middle Earth, all these structures seem to be very very unsafe... WHERE ARE THE HANDRAILS?!?
Less weird things like:
How I'm not doing my part in this world... Eating more steak should help. Really the meat industry is killing our planet. I'm not a vegan (and I don't care for animals, for that matter), but I am aware of the suffering the animals face on the daily.
How awesome it would be to pee standing up. Guys, is it awesome?
Okay, I guess that isn't normal either
When can I take my pants off?!
I'm terrified of dolphins, birds, and the ocean.
I spit out the chocolate chunks in my cookie dough ice cream.
1 If you're cute. If you don't know, ask somebody
2. you understand the difference between
Your and You're.
4. you won't try to set me on fire in my sleep.
5. If you're the type of a person that... eats lunch
6. if you noticed that I skipped 3.
7. You can quote Muppet Treasure Island, any LoTR, or It's Always Sunny without prompting
8. You think that that bitch Rose should have shared some of that door with Jack
9. If you'll throw your pie for me.
For ages 21+
Ps. I don't small talk in real conversation. I won't do it here. If all you say is Hi, hello, sup? Etc. in your message i most likely won't respond
Be interesting, or be gone