I'm a decent, sweet and respectful ladycreature and not up my own bum. Once revered as "an abstract juxtaposition of articulation and insanity" - how damn sexy is that?! - you sir are dealing with a delightfully refined, angelically deceptive, creatively expressive, logical, technical, badass pixie.
Think: cute baby Ewok - mediocre growl - fucking sharp spear.
Young enough to skip barefoot in the rain.
Old enough to enthuse about salad.
I'm likely to fall in love within the hour if I have to Google the words and terminology you use. I had to look up "pegging" once - sadly it didn't lend quite as well to being reused in my own profile as sapiosexual, dilettantist and capricious.
I need a challenge, mental stimulation, a best friend, an entertainer. With big hairy balls, who also cries and wears eyeliner. (Ok, the eyeliner isn't mandatory. And depilated plums are enticingly acceptable.)
90 hour weeks are like sooooo last season. I don't care if you earn £70k, have a Merc, Rolex or run a huge multinational if you have no time to play wifff meee. I do care if you have a cute fluffy pussycat; all the nice boys have cats. And yellow stripey boxers.
Genuinely interested in finding a partner, but secure and content with being single. I don't want your house, money, babies, friends, passwords or sanity. Wow, refreshing huh?!
I'm an SEO Strategist (getting websites to page 1 of Google) and Digital Marketing Consultant. A mélange of coding, creativity, data and detail in a largely blokey, denim and swearing kinda world. I used to do suits, boardrooms and humans. Now I just do things; it's simpler. And costs a lot less in opiates.
Started my own SEO & Digital Marketing consultancy business last year as I can't seem to bite my tongue for long enough when employed. I'm a rebel innit.
I have a lot of guy mates because I'm down to earth, practical and like honesty not jealousy. We drink beer in the daytime, play with network cables, discuss tattoos and how much women bitch.
Oh and I hang about with comedians. Real ones! Fret not, they all have beards. Except the lady one. Who's fat and ginger.
♥ Wearing matching underwear 96.39712% of the time
♥ Arranging shiny objects in groups of three
♥ Re-arranging shiny objects in slightly revised groups of three
♥ Overindulging, overthinking, over analysing...
♥ Switching momentarily into a west country twang when excited
♥ Perforating my face with a 300-needle roller to keep me young
♥ Doing household electrics without dying
♥ HTML, CSS and ripping apart the shit website the last guy did
♥ Corsets, tutus, kinky boots and very unsensible shoes
♥ Fancy dress outfits that 'accidentally' incorporate the above
♥ My vocabulary is much bigger than my boobs
♥ My personality is much bigger than my person
♥ My eyes are just BIG.
Tellybox: Celebrity Juice, Phoneshop, Him & Her, botched boob jobs, manky willies, transsexual teen pageant queens, 20-stone hookers on benefits go dogging, the secret life of the lesser spotted glow worm... I don't always stay awake long enough for films, ask who's that? why? did he do it then? or have to fiddle with something. You could perchance be in luck.
Mooosic: I don't really "do" music in the typical way. I haven't stood in a field with neon facepaint and wellies waiting for the rain to wash my stink off. I dig electronica, chillout/trip-hop/chillstep, reggae, spanish guitar, world music, anything latino, 90s rap, 80s classics. Years playing in a steel band means I can also buss hol heap a riddim an ting, ya get me blud? ♪ ♫ ♪ Matisyahu Mike Oldfield Hooverphonic Air, Passenger, Eminem, Cypress Hill, Linkin Park, Owl City, Daft Punk, Paul Weller. ♪ ♫ ♪
Comedy & Performy Things: Comedians are the most down to earth, caring sorts. And sadly often have face fur and tweed jackets with elbow patches, else I would kidnap one. Tim Minchin would definitely get it though! As an ex-performer (not that sort) I'm into anything artsy and live - burlesque, musicals, drag, intimate band gigs. Cirque du Soleil, Avenue Q, Les Mis, WamBam Club.
Foodage & Boozage: Chocolatey creaminess in my cocktails please. I get a bit nawtee on Disaronno. But I didn't tell you that. Love eating where no-one speaks English (except those sloppy gelatinous pig's trotters in tomato-flavoured puke in Spain). My fridge is full of colour - if it comes in a packet it isn't "food" ok??? Except chocolate. Chocolate's food. Liver and spinach only became massively attractive since I started paying to eat them.
6. breaking the rules, just a tad
Mediterranean accents. If you get words wrong it's even sexier. When you have manflu and tell me "Baby, I feel like-a shit" I will listen adoringly 27 times before correcting you. There's no rush - you've been saying it like that for 3 years.
♂♀ You and me sat in a candlelit bath with a spicy merlot, me washing your hair with that delectable aromatherapy shampoo which makes you go all relaxed and spacey... nibbling your neck, earlobes... fragrant sensual suds lavishing your torso while I walk my aubergine painted nails teasingly down your glistening manflesh to your firm...
Oiiiii. Buttocks. Enough!
♥ Finding new uses for marmite, creme eggs and stockings
♥ Trawling eBay for cutting edge skincare products so I can avoid paying the council tax, again
Or entertaining you with my eloquent wit. Bastard site.
♥ I can get my big toe in my mouth while still breathing and talking
♥ I broke my knee the first (only) time I wore 5" goth boots age 36
♥ I broke my little toe age 40 play fighting with boys, accidentally kickboxing the armchair instead of his thigh... yes I'm a liability. But I'm cute and I try hard.
♥ Last year I finally got the balls to give my number to my dream fella on the tube - with a scribbled note saying "If you're not gay..."
I think he was possibly
You're willing to share your chocolate
You're creative, expressive and classy
Within an hour (ish) of Norfff Laaandan
Longish darkish flickyish hair, girlie eyelashes and stubble make me purrrrr. I would rawwwr too but I'm way cooler than that.
Generally prefer younger but feel free to show me what I'm missing. Manboobs, beerguts, comb-overs, manky teeth and monobrows do NOT do it for me. They shouldn't do it for you either.
I go a bit wobbly - and at times squelchy - over alternative looks, edgy dress sense, tattoos and piercings (within reason, you can keep your piggy nose rings). Wearing a wig, tutu or makeup in your photos? - I love you already.
PS. I've never found myself animalistically drawn to a Colin. That seems highly likely to continue.