33Knoxville, United States
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My self-summary
FACT: more people prefer Milk of Magnesia over anal sex as a way to soften their stool... seriously. Ask that lady at Starbucks who always orders that ridiculously convoluted drink which one she prefers. I guarantee you... she'll slap you across the face. Way to go, genius!

So, you want to know something about me, eh? Interested in finding out who I am, what I do, what I've done, where I've been, where I'm going, what my shoe size is, how many fingers I'm holding up, and what is in your garbage that smells so bad.

First off... it's fish. Now, can you please take the trash out? I'm getting light-headed.

To some of my friends, I can be summarized in one word: Jerk. But, that's not very helpful to you, person who doesn't know me, now is it? .. IS IT?! Actually, I'm not really a jerk. I just play one on TV. Plus, the friends who refer to me as "jerk"... well, they're a bunch of doodie-heads anyway.

This just in -- I had a sudden urge to be sincere for a moment.
Just so everyone who looks at my profile is aware, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with msskellington and someone else not on OKCupid. They make me the happiest man on the planet. I'm mostly here to meet people. If anything happens to move beyond that, we'll take it in stride.

Also, if you seriously have "420" in your username, don't bother messaging me. Not that I have anything against pot or pot smokers. I just prefer to socialize with adults.


Music, people. it makes things happen in your pants. Strange things. Sticky things. I hold the conductor's baton, and I control the mu-- HOLY SHIT IT'S SNOWING!

... I'm not really sure what else to say in this opening monologue. The OKcupid lords kind of put me on the spot. They have decreed I make my autobiography at least 1,000 characters long... or 1,000 long characters... actually, I believe they said "blessed are the cheese-makers".

So... hmmm... checked out any good OKcupid pages lately?

... ok, this is getting awkward...

... I'm gonna sing The Doom Song now! DOOM DOOM DEE-DOOM DOOOOM DOOM DOOM...


Here is my self-summary, based on the ads I get on OkCupid:
- I'm fat, but need to know where the best food in town is.
- I menstruate too hard.
- I don't lactate hard enough.
- Me looking for "girls who like guys" screams "I need a good hot dicking from hot guys".

No wonder I don't take that site seriously.
What I’m doing with my life
I think it would be more appropriate to ask "What is my life doing with me?", to which I would reply "I DUNNO, BUT IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH! SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!!".
I’m really good at
Avoiding answering questions about who I am and what I do.

... LOOK OVER THERE! *runs away*
The first things people usually notice about me
My entire front-side, but only if I'm walking toward them. To be more specific: my face if they're tall, my chest if they're a little shorter, and my crotch if they're a midget.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Ok, I'll go ahead and be serious again... but ONLY because I like you.

... unless I don't like you.

Music: I'm a big fan of the industrial/electronic rock scene. Some of my favorites are: Nine Inch Nails, Puscifer, Black Light Burns, Gravity Kills, Celldweller, Blue Stahli, Mind.In.A.Box, Team Cybergeist, Cryogen Second, I:Scintilla, Jakalope, Ohgr, and Ego Likeness. I am actually in a band myself (Deconbrio).

Movies: My all-time favorite movie is Ghostbusters. Other than that, my taste in movies is very eclectic, though I'm quite fond of Sci-Fi (not SyFy), Horror and Comedies. Some of my favorites: the Terminator series, Dr. Horrible, Repo, Tokyo Gore Police, Pans Labyrinth, The Labyrinth, Young Frankenstein, 300, Grandma's Boy, Dogma, and The Last Starfigther.

Food: When it comes to food, I'm a 7-year-old trapped in a grown-up's body. I LOVE Pizza, unless it's a supreme. I love me some sushi, steak, BBQ, burgers, pasta, cereal, mashed potatoes, chicken... yeah, I'm a little kid when it comes to food.

Books: I really should do more of this. Pretty much my favorite book is The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy / The Restaurant at the End of the Universe / Life, the Universe, and Everything / So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish / Mostly Harmless)
Six things I could never do without
- My left lung
- My right lung
- My heart
- My brain
- My ears
- My ability to be ridiculous
- My ability to create
- My wallet
- Pizza
- Comfortable shoes
- My ability to count to 6
I spend a lot of time thinking about
A lot of things. What am I going to do today? What am I going to do tomorrow? What did I do yesterday? ... No, seriously, what did I do? I don't remember. Will I ever be a successful so-and-so? Should I shave today? Did that homeless guy just wet himself? Why is that woman wearing Cookie Monster slippers in public? Did I forget to lock the door? Why the hell is OKcupid bombarding me with ads about stopping heavy periods? What's with all the strict vegetarians/vegans? Doesn't anyone enjoy a nice steak or a meat-lovers pizza anymore?

... SHIT! where's my wallet?
On a typical Friday night I am
Pondering... stuff. On a typical SUNDAY night, I get together with these goofballs I know and make music that moistens the majority of undergarments within close proximity.

... Dammit, now I want pizza. WHERE THE HELL IS MY WALLET?!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
The largest recorded human male penis to date is 13.5 inches. However, the largest penis in the world belongs to the blue whale: 8 feet long. Of course, that's not very private information. That took me about 5 seconds of Googling to find.

You should message me if
- You like toast.
- You're not allergic to Skittles.
- You know who stole my wallet earlier.
- You like pizza.
- You've searched the entire OkCupid database and, despite every effort you made to get in touch with that handsome guy's brother, you finally realize he's not into you like that and you're ready to lower your expectations.
- You are friends with a midget.
- You have seen a midget.
- You are a midget.
- You think I have some weird midget fetish (it makes for a good ice-breaker, does it not?)
- You want to tell me how silly my profile is.
- You want to tell me how stupid my profile is.
- You want to tell me how brilliant my profile is.
- You are not interested (just to tell me and hurt my feelings. Go on. I'm a big boy... *sniffle*... I can take it).
The two of us