SassMonsta
26 Cincinnati, United States
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SassMonsta
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My self-summary
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, internet. i'm emily. i'm 26 and i am a human (probably). i am a loud, short asshole. i have a laundry list of health problems (mostly related to/resulting from spina bifida and/or hydrocephalus, my two main conditions), but i get around decently enough.

important thing to note: i am a feminist. if you're not down with that, then we can't hang. basically, if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my radical views on race and gender. (please tell me you got that spice girls reference. please.)

another important thing to note: "queer" does not mean "gay". i am attracted to people of all genders. glad we had this talk.

let's see...what else do i need to put in here? i'm a freelance musician, bubble bath enthusiast, socially anxious extrovert (yes, we exist!), wearer of copious amounts of glitter, friend to all animals (except the ones i eat, i guess. oops), comedy nerd, would-be social worker, and probably a bunch of other nouns too. your mom would love me.

i stop to pet every dog i see. if i'm late to meet up with you, it's probably because dogs are better than people. sorry.
What I’m doing with my life
recovering from back surgery and getting ready to release a jazz album.
I’m really good at
deciphering makeup jargon. (if you need someone to help you pick out a lipstick for your mom, i'm your gal.)

subject-verb agreement.

scaring away men at bars who want to talk to my friends.

photosynthesis.
The first things people usually notice about me
crutches. also, i have a really loud laugh and giant eyes. but let's be real. crutches.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
okay. let's do this.

some of my favorite books are catcher in the rye, brave new world, animal farm, the fault in our stars, the bean trees, a separate peace, the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, orlanda, and dry: a memoir. i'm pretty into short stories, too, like william dean howells' "editha", sophocles' "antigone" (that's actually a play but whatever), vonnegut's "harrison bergeron", and nabokov's "signs and symbols". all good stuff. my favorite thing to read is poetry; i love e.e. cummings, jeanann verlee, hafiz, billy collins, rumi, ogden nash, shel silverstein, and kapka kassabova. i've also become a huge fan of david sedaris' essays and short stories lately.

i'm not a very avid movie-goer, but i absolutely fucking love one flew over the cuckoo's nest, a clockwork orange, the graduate, my neighbor totoro, the fall, american psycho, trainspotting, SLC punk, fantasia, american history x, guardians of the galaxy, mary poppins, paris je t'aime, and an assortment of others. i mostly prefer watching movies alone or with a friend or two in my living room over going to the movie theater.

my favorite tv shows fluctuate depending on what's on, but i love bob's burgers and broad city.

music-wise, i love fleet foxes, the mountain goats, andrew bird, simon and garfunkel, the beatles, david wax museum, grizzly bear, old crow medicine show, wanda jackson, arcade fire, run the jewels, the beach boys, das racist, clem snide, the reatards, screamin' jay hawkins, etta james, nicki minaj, a decent amount of 60s/70s reggae, a *ton* of old country, various female jazz singers (i think blossom dearie is my current favorite), eagles, chris thile, sufjan stevens, wilco, chet baker...you get the picture.

i'm a pretty picky eater. we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

extra credit time!

some of my favorite musicals are the music man, sound of music, peter pan, mary poppins, south pacific, avenue q, spring awakening, and my fair lady.

my current favorite opera is il trovatore. that is subject to change, as i go to at least one or two operas each season.

some comedians i really like are john mulaney, louis ck, mike birbiglia, maria bamford, kumail nanjiani, bo burnham, demetri martin, aziz ansari, moshe kasher, hari kondabolu, tig notaro, and pete holmes.

my current favorite artists include alphonse mucha, erte, sidney sime, and marc johns. i know nothing about art.
The six things I could never do without
words
laughter
baths
travel
kindness
glitter
I spend a lot of time thinking about
how strange it is to be anything at all. also, how much it annoys me when people mispronounce "sherbet".
On a typical Friday night I am
listening to hank williams and crying.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
when i took photography in high school, i used to drink from the water filter in the dark room. there's something about being terrible at photography that makes me very thirsty.

i hold my pinkie out whenever i drink. it started as a weird affectation when i was a kid (i thought it made me look more fancy), and now i do it out of sheer habit. i probably look pretentious as fuck.

i have been known to keep a jar of nutella with a spoon in it on my bedside table. you know, in case of emergencies.
You should message me if
~you can handle my sass with a grain (or twenty) of salt.
~you are able and willing to listen to me talk about animals forever.
~you want to get high and listen to the saint-saëns organ symphony with me sometime.
~you still love homestarrunner.com.
~you're down with a date that consists of pizza, conversation, and silly youtube videos.
~you've seen over the garden wall. (if you haven't, please drop everything and go watch it. it's fucking incredible.)

if you are still unsure as to whether or not you want to message me, perhaps a user testimonial will help sway you:
"fuck you broke crack head bitch"
-a real okcupid user, not a paid actor. if that doesn't do it, i don't know what will.

you are now approaching the end of my okcupid profile. mind the gap.
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