SassMonsta
26 Cincinnati, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
SassMonsta
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, internet. i'm emily. i'm 26 and i am a human (probably). i am a loud, short asshole. i have a laundry list of health problems (mostly related to/resulting from spina bifida and/or hydrocephalus, my two main conditions), but i get around decently enough.

important thing to note: i am a feminist. if you're not down with that, then we can't hang. basically, if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my radical views on race and gender. (please tell me you got that spice girls reference. please.)

another important thing to note: "queer" does not mean "gay". i am attracted to people of all genders. glad we had this talk.

let's see...what else do i need to put in here? i'm a freelance jazz singer, bubble bath enthusiast, socially anxious extrovert (yes, we exist!), wearer of copious amounts of glitter, friend to all animals (except the ones i eat, i guess. oops), comedy nerd, avid dog petter, catcher of pokemon, would-be social worker, and probably a bunch of other nouns too. your mom would love me.

i have a 17-year-old cat named hatchet. she is an angel. if you're mean to her, i'll kick you in the butt.

i kind of think the myers-briggs test is a huge sham, but i'm also definitely an ENFP.
What I’m doing with my life
working at the YMCA (admit it, you sang it in your head), singing in a choir, volunteering when i can, and recovering from back surgery (which is taking forever, in case you were wondering).
I’m really good at
deciphering makeup jargon. (if you need someone to help you pick out a lipstick for your mom, i'm your gal.)

subject-verb agreement.

scaring away men at bars who want to talk to my friends.

photosynthesis.
The first things people usually notice about me
crutches. also, i have a really loud laugh and giant eyes. but let's be real. crutches.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
okay. let's do this.

some of my favorite books are catcher in the rye, brave new world, animal farm, the fault in our stars, the bean trees, a separate peace, the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, orlanda (not to be confused with orlando), and dry: a memoir. i'm pretty into short stories, too, like william dean howells' "editha", sophocles' "antigone" (that's actually a play but whatever), vonnegut's "harrison bergeron", and nabokov's "signs and symbols". all good stuff. my favorite thing to read is poetry; i love e.e. cummings, jeanann verlee, hafiz, billy collins, rumi, ogden nash, shel silverstein, and kapka kassabova. i've also become a huge fan of david sedaris' essays and short stories lately.

i'm not a very avid movie-goer, but i absolutely fucking love one flew over the cuckoo's nest, a clockwork orange, the graduate, my neighbor totoro, the fall, american psycho, trainspotting, SLC punk, fantasia, american history x, guardians of the galaxy, mary poppins, paris je t'aime, and an assortment of others. i mostly prefer watching movies alone or with a friend or two in my living room over going to the movie theater.

my favorite tv shows fluctuate depending on what's on, but i love bob's burgers and broad city.

music-wise, i love fleet foxes, the mountain goats, andrew bird, simon and garfunkel, the beatles, neutral milk hotel, david wax museum, grizzly bear, old crow medicine show, wanda jackson, arcade fire, run the jewels, the beach boys, das racist, clem snide, the reatards, screamin' jay hawkins, etta james, nicki minaj, a decent amount of 60s/70s reggae, a *ton* of old country, various female jazz singers (i think blossom dearie is my current favorite), eagles, chris thile, sufjan stevens, wilco, chet baker...you get the picture.

i'm a pretty picky eater. we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

extra credit time!

some of my favorite musicals are the music man, sound of music, peter pan, mary poppins, south pacific, avenue q, spring awakening, and my fair lady.

my current favorite opera is fidelio. that is subject to change, as i go to at least one or two operas each season.

some comedians i really like are john mulaney, louis ck, mike birbiglia, maria bamford, kumail nanjiani, bo burnham, demetri martin, aziz ansari, moshe kasher, hari kondabolu, tig notaro, and pete holmes.

my current favorite artists include alphonse mucha, erte, sidney sime, dallas clayton, and marc johns. i know nothing about art.
The six things I could never do without
words
laughter
baths
travel
kindness
glitter
I spend a lot of time thinking about
how strange it is to be anything at all. also, how much it annoys me when people mispronounce "sherbet".
On a typical Friday night I am
listening to hank williams and crying.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
when i took photography in high school, i used to drink from the water filter in the dark room. there's something about being terrible at photography that makes me very thirsty.

i hold my pinkie out whenever i drink. it started as a weird affectation when i was a kid (i thought it made me look more fancy), and now i do it out of sheer habit. i probably look pretentious as fuck.

i have been known to keep a jar of nutella with a spoon in it on my bedside table. you know, in case of emergencies.
You should message me if
you want to come over and help me with my birthright application while I cry in the fetal position on the floor.
More