50Seattle, United States
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My self-summary
August 15th, 2017

"You seek a great fortune, and you will find a great fortune, though it will not be the fortune you seek."
-'O'Brother Where Art Thou?"

*hoists white ceramic coffee cup*

What am I?
I'm half
and half
Princess Vanellope.

As for me I work, work, work, until the holes are filled then return home to my wife, her beau
(Have you seen 'Paint your Wagon'? That's us) and our 3 Hounds of Love. The cat hardly ever sleeps in the mailbox.

Here, I poke at the carcass of the internet with a stick
where I weep and gnash my teeth with impotent rage
and make some funnies. Ha! I kill myself.

Escaping that, I plant succulents between the stones and hold forth with Hecate in our garden. Excuse me as I get my pot peanut-butter out of the oven.
OK, I'm back.

Rarely do I forget to eat well, drink even more so well.
Weekend is made for brunch. I abuse my waffle iron.

Oh what else,
I rage against the machine, the dying of the light, dance with my neuroses, yaddayaddayadda
Smile like a Norseman.
So many smiles.
Here, have some.

*sips Italian roast coffee*

What I’m doing with my life
"It's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want. Or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do."
-They Might Be Giants

End of days of July sees me holding the fort alone, alone, all alone on a wide, wide, sea of berries, eggs, and flowers. My wife and her man are gone for another clutch of days and I'm maintaining the fort solo. Delicious it is to glide barefoot across clean, hardwood floors. On the first night alone I tried to imitate 'Risky Business' but as I cleverly glided across the floor in my underwear I accidently put a dent in the wall. Oopisefuck.

I'm feeling a bit like our raspberry bush; there is an abundance of delicious fruit that is going unpicked.

Yet I put up a new fence, am putting on a new garage roof and am making a new garden bed for my wife, for her birthday but shhhhhh it's a secret.

What else am I doing with my life...

I'm fluid in all varieties of redundant, superfluous, neurotic, and ineffective actions and a whole range of their accents. It made me the man I am today. Some people call it artistry, I call it being an over-educated shithead.

*takes bite of curry & swigs marijuana vodka*

Chimpanzees point at me, nudge each other and say, "Dude! That guy masturbates a lot."
I've seen the view from the zenith of Mount Narcissis and beheld the wandering stones in the valley of Self-loathing. So pretty.
I’m really good at
"He can be a macho man
And now he's a game show host
Well one minute hilarious comedian
Now he's an undercover cop
Say, Ohhh - let the poor boy drEeeeeam
Ohhh - livin' make-beliEeeeeeve"
-David Byrne

I'm excellent at finding my wife's misplaced beer.

I'm marvelous at knowing my limitations as I make them myself.

My ability to Tetris rocks into walls is phenomenal. This summer has been my biggest feat of terracing EVER. My friend has a Rainier view on the side of a hill and I got to begin transformation of it into a viable space for recreation and cultivation.

Resurrecting leftovers via puff pastry sheets is my thing. Well, not so much anymore. Cast iron sandwich press in the campfire to repurpose leftovers. Puff pastry can be greasy.

My ability to state the obvious is in such demand that I've exported it.
I wear underwear very well. Except for briefs. I only wear briefs if I have no pants. 'Pants' is a noun and a verb.

My therapy for removing toxins acquired from Facebook discussions is unparalleled; it involves deep-tissue sensual acubeating, weapons grade soul-kissing, and medical hard-fucking (with or without salad bar).

and I'm really good at sucking cock.
The first things people usually notice about me
People gaze on my countenance and realize that there cannot be a God.

My accent which is indicative of the 906.

There is a height to me but am afraid to use it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Gritty, tribal, discordant, ethereal,
whimiscal music
is the bulk of my favored listening
(A cherry of electronica)

I experienced science-fiction seduction at a masquerade to the thrum of Sisters of Mercy.
A Solstice bonfire at my camp (cabin) was my first exposure to Dead Can Dance.
While slammed silly, slinging plates at Café Minnies I first heard Loreena McKennitt.
One night, while watching whisky disappear, the Pogues were introduced to me.
Live campfire music at Hiawatha Music festival = doubleplusgood
'Misguided Angel' led me to the Cowboy Junkies,
Introducing a lady friend to Concrete Blonde's 'Bloodletting' led to the creation of tiny, clay, coffins.

Johnny Cash's video for 'Hurt', is one of the most powerful pieces of musical architecture I've ever experienced. Trent no longer owns that song.

'Turn the World Around' by Harry Belafonte on 'The Muppet Show'. Listening to it gives me gooseflesh.

While I was nude modeling back in college I first heard these lyrics:
"Wipe him down with gasoline, Till his arms are hard and mean From now on boys this iron boat's your home So heave away boys. Heave Away!"
-'Singapore', Tom Waits


Fools and buffoons who search for themselves and are finally rewarded for their efforts is an attractive theme to me. Hence a holy movie trinity for me is
'Kung Fu-Panda',
'Seven Samurai'
'Kung Fu Hustle'

Books: A stew of fantasy and science fiction. I still haven't got my Heinlein on. For a geek I'm pretty lightweight.

George Martin!
Write more before you die you bastard!

Joseph Campbell's disections of mythology inspired me to pick up Jung (and I want to like Jung but...) and in being a good little progressive 'The People's History of the United States' is my bible.
After reading a history of the founding of Australia I'm powerful keen on discovering more history. Or maybe Austrailia just had a fun history since it was founded by thieves & drunks.

I savor gobbets of raw meat (citrus cured), ocean-scented oysters, and curries of the world.
(Antartican curry is my favorite)

Animation is not kiddie's faire. Sometimes, instead of music I will put on 'Spirited Away' for background flavoring.
Six things I could never do without
"Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around."

"Always keep a sapphire in your mind. Always keep a diamond in your mind."
-Tom Waits

Lube/olive oil
That stuff I drink.
Hecate's blessing.
Undying indifference. Or apathy. I don't care which.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
"All the good in the world can fit inside a thimble and still have room for you and me."
-Tom Waits

The dogs have not been to the off-leash park in (x) # DAYS.

You can't have 'slaughter' without 'laughter'.

How many turns of a handle could donnie trump's head survive in a vice? How slowly could he die? How delicious would the gradual fracture of his skull be? I NEED TO KNOW.
On a typical Friday night I am
Carrying an umbrella on my way to an event transpiring in some concrete bunker. I'm hiding from the moon not the rain.

Or putting the 'croak' in 'karaoke'.

Sometimes both.

"I'm a fat old man. Wheezing and huffing with a gin in my hand and your pretty little muffin right here next to me" _Crash Test Dummies
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Here, I will admit that I cannot behold certain old atlases, maps, and encyclopedias.
Yes, I love astronomy, history, and physics
a giant map of the moon in a planetarium
certain old tomes give me the willies.
*shrugs* Go figure.
You should message me if
your clothing explodes off your body when entering a sylvan setting

you dare eat a peach.

you are a plane-shifting, storm-riding bitch from Michigan.
a gothic, board-gaming, librarian who quaffs IPA and knows mushrooms.
a quasi-delusional, doe-eyed sprite, with small ears and voracious appetite.
something in between.

You would take the Bolt Bus to Portland for a weekend at a Victorian house turned hostel and visit microbreweries, Powell Books, Ground Control and points in between.

you would gape in awe at my labeling of sealed leftovers for easy identification in the 'fridge.

BUT If our match percentage is 99% please send me a haiku which summarizes your childhood trauma.

You get these following jokes:

1) Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Life seems harsh, and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world. Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. "But doctor..." he says "I am Pagliacci."


2) The 'Impatient Cow' knock-knock joke.

3) Zen monk approaches hot dog vendor,
"Make me one with everything'

Vendor hands him a loaded hot dog, "Three dollars."
Monk hands him a five and the vendor begins serving someone else.
"Do you expect change?"
"Yes." says the monk.
"Ah, but change comes from within."

314: END
The two of us