• Highly experienced former full-time boyfriend with eclectic clientele
• Handsome, smart, charming. Also-- extremely modest
• Leverage background to identify potential lifelong or overnight soul mate
• Establish emotionally profitable strategic alliance together
• Opportunities for rapid advancement optional
• Team player
•Remembers anniversaries and birthdays
• Creates culture of creative collaboration featuring all-night brainstorm sessions and out-of-the-box activities
• Will respect and trust women in a wide variety of fun and interesting situations
•Pretty good at magic tricks
• Handled increasing levels of responsibility
• Delivered wide spectrum of personal services and met key performance metrics that contributed substantially to romantic bottom line
• Devised incentive policy to improve retention, lowering break-up rate in 2012 by estimated 52%
• Pioneered innovative concept of venturing beyond dating phase into facsimile of long-term commitment
• Garnered satisfactory results for all clients
12/2012-Present: Freelance consultant
6/2012-12/2012: Deborah, Chief Love Officer. Instrumental in managing her emotional turnaround, due largely to intensive three-month back-rub program, enabling her to overcome longstanding intimacy issues.
4/2011-5/2012: Michelle, Executive Vice Paramour. Received excellent performance reviews. Hired on interim basis while real boyfriend, Bradley, recovered from motorcycle accident in long-term rehabilitation facility.
4/2011-3/2012: Numerous side trips, detours, lost weekends and mistakes hardly worth mentioning at all except in the interest of full disclosure, due diligence and corporate transparency.
8/2008-10/2009: Amanda, Junior Associate Squeeze. Regularly applied problem-solving techniques, such as remembering all her birthdays and anniversaries. Twice spearheaded conversations about moving in together unprompted. Nearly earned tenure.
Oh, you bet.
Advanced canoodling, moonlit dinners in mid-afternoon, candlelit breakfasts at midnight, unlit lunches in midtown coffee shops, impersonations during orgasm.
Four-time winner of BEST BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES CONTEST (self-nominated).
Boyfriends Anonymous, American Society of Wannabe Stud Puppets.
Available on Request
Also? I like board games. There, I said it. I know the section about the most private thing comes later in the interview but sometime you just have to be upfront about these things. :)
Teaching & Public Speaking: I can't think of a good joke about this. So, I'll just tell a really, really terrible one instead (wait for it ...)
I took the shell off my best racing snail to make him go faster...
But it just made him sluggish :(
My rugged (yet oddly subdued) manly-ness?
The sense of peace and calm that just seems to surround everyone around me?
The fact I'm levitating in the air??
TV? Dr. Who. Breaking Bad. Orange is the New black. House of Card. Anything on HBO
And if you have seen Wristcutters: A love Story-- we just became best friends.
I love to cook, and am pretty good at it (if, apparently, I do say so myself.)
Books? Right now I am reading When the Killing Stops by T.C. Boyle. . But this answer changes pretty frequently.
2. A lime (juiced)
3. Ground cumin
5.Roma tomatoes (seeded and diced)
6. A large bowl to mix, stir and serve in.
Six things and perfection has been achieved... wait, shoot, I usually put in some cilantro. Six is impossible.
Spoiler alert: the book is about effective bear riding.
"I would be a velociraptor because they’re ferocious, fit, work well as a team, and don’t back down." Strangely, I didn’t get that job.
2. You don’t have a car. –I do!! (and it has four wheels and everything). Note: Also OK to message me if you do have a car.
3. You love animals! So do I!—I use to have a cat, Smokey, but she passed away six years ago. I could never get another cat. She was my best friend :( But, if you let me, I could be friends with your cat:) (Note: Dogs are also OK. Rabbits are a gray area.Do not EVEN get me started on Gerbils.)
4. You don’t do drugs. Neither do I! Unless you considering watching back to back episodes of “Breaking Bad” as a drug. In that case, than I guess I kinda do?
5. You don't hate children. Neither do I! In fact, I still sometimes watch cartoons and eat cereal. Coincidence??
6. You believe that dinosaurs actually existed. ‘cause they totally did. And, they're awesome.
In other words, just send me a message. Don't worry. I don't use cliche jokes about biting people.
Unless you want me to--