Now for the rest of the story. . .
I've been rather constantly admonished for having perhaps one of, if not THE longest profile to be found on OkCupid. . . an accumulation of what represents my character compiled over the now many years I've been searching here. . . though I've come back from time to time to severely edit the heqq out of it, each time I read searching for something to edit, I am reminded by my own words of therapy written, just how important it is to me to provide you with some serious "meat & potatoes" as to who I have grown to become, and what remains distilled to be so appreciated. . . I have often been told that I speak far better than I write, but that readily admitted, the rest remains at your disposal to comprehend why I believe I am rather distinctly different than most blokes you'll discover pandering the profiles to be discovered. . .
Just returned from 4 weeks invested backpacking Kauai, Hawaii's Na Pali's coast [December/January 2015/16], . . . was blown away by the usual incredible beauty of one of the world's most beautiful places, but so too, at how many persons I was privileged to have actively met, listened to and learned a wee bit about what has become of their own life's journey's story. Common thread amongst most all that I'd met were the lost souls wondering why they too were found single. Upon any more just beneath the surface scratch seemed the common thread almost always becoming soon found of what was the underlying and entirely too consistent of each's failure to have ever actually meaningfully have shared themselves with the persons they had professed to have loved and then lost before ever waking up to what was both the symptom, as well as the undeniable facts of the basic consistent core problem. Call me simple, perhaps even quite stupid, but wanting to share all that I have remained so blessed with still yet enjoying to the very max, is the very single most thing that I miss the very most, and that's being said from out of and taking nothing away from all of the multitude of the so many other positive things that I continue to remember valuing most about having previously had a life once completely bonded with another in complete trust.
Fast forward, entirely skipping over what has become as a rather inordinately infinite education learned over the past now 6 years of being abruptly found standing alone, has become my new realization that, aside from needing a companion projecting a positive attitude and physical ability to wish and want to keep up their own end of a great conversation, it remains rather important to me that they too aspire to contribute their necessary part in what needs to remain as an equally enjoyed full engagement with their having adopted living what is an unpretentiously active life style, and that you too value what is that critical ability/need to want to also share with another what is the entirety of what is the most certain to be discovered as the good, the bad and the fugly that automatically has to come part and parcel with actively living what remains as a life well led. I realized upon such introspection taken, that I do need a companion who similarly values trekking to places that are just slightly off the main stream beaten paths, who shares having an inordinate love for everything connected to water, and yet continues to possess harboring a personal drive to be always seeking the pursuit of their own self's excellence, whether it be in the simple mundane affairs of just living a normal life, or instead, making the very most of each and every new opportunity so presented. You've not forgotten your own innate sense of great wonderment, curiosity to wish to learn more, and ability to be found acutely amazed at the simple, as well as complex things that come presented when your own eyes are a blaze with remaining wide open to miss nothing. A love for a great dog (s) would certainly make the experience shared so much the easier, and damned near everything else important to you, with me, will continue to remain as a totally negotiable criteria for me to become privileged and enabled to contribute towards your continuing great happiness. Please just be direct and completely honest - I love rising to any occasion that calls for my continued personal growth beyond the present known horizons.
The above was just what were my own thoughts contemplated during the 15 hours spent at 35,000 feet, pondering what is and what is not at all important as to becoming further distilled out as to what I hope will remain foremost in my future analysis of decision processes adopted.
The rest left remaining presented below is what all has become of my past many years of accumulation of random thoughts, etc.. I decided just to leave here for the one in a million woman who might find something presented in either it, or better yet, ME as a potential possibility, to be of an intrigue of interest - January, 2016.
It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them—and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on—this desperate need—and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.
-Madeleine L'Engle-The Small Rain
Came across something else that really made me smile. . . it was written describing a woman, but the more I thought about it, I would hope that you too would agree that it could as well equally befit describing a man. . . substituting pretty for handsome, etc., of course, 'nuff said:
Your body makes you sexy;
Your face makes you pretty’
Your smile makes you gorgeous;
But its your mind that makes you beautiful. . .
If you can relate to this without taking umbrage, then you'll easily understand what about you would most attract me to want to earn your respect as a future lifetime's bestest friend and journey's partner!
Read something else in yet another woman's profile that really struck me as having said it all, in but just the few words spoken. . . I am searching to discover a woman who would understand and equally value having a pardner who would strive to excel at reciprocally being found as "worthy adversaries" - sparring partners who can also proffer an intellectual workout, companions, lovers, and in that journey, become and remain committed best buds.
Everything else now being presented after that is but to just share with you sufficient grounds to either become further intrigued, or to leave quickly knowing for a certainty exactly why you would much prefer damned near any other man to suffice in my stead as your much preferred alternate as follows:
Although I have previously written entirely too much about:
1. what I had first thought was actually important for someone to have been able to have considered in determining
2.whether I was serious about taking the responsibility to make another person's investment of their time in
3.discovering whether I might become someone to sit up and take notice to consider
4. whether I might just be the one to thereafter come to enjoy having as your very bestest friend and life long companion,
5. after having discovered the following missive about what all is really the best distillation I've ever yet read regarding what I believe remains the closest and dearest to my own heart found in these matters,
6. I honestly believe that in my lifetime, I have never previously read discovering anything so profound, as deliciously complex or as directly so best summarizing damned near everything that I have ever learned to have adopted and believed is so directly on-point important in describing what remains to be prioritized as singularly necessary to have to exist being found between myself and someone I would love unconditionally,
7. in the lifetime process being enjoyed while discovering the respect and love to be found for another than what was so described in this piece as follows:
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,
and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to
the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up,
after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside,
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
Anything else I could possibly add to the above is just surplussage, but with that admission freely first given, here goes what I would also additionally want to share with anyone seriously considering what might be found to remain of my better qualities and merits:
I was shared with the delightful privilege of having taken a "True Colors" personality test whose result described me better than I initially had ever previously ever even known my own self, good, bad and fugly summarized as follows:
A “Green” person will typically embrace adopting the following personality characteristics:
Believes in logic over emotion, in new ideas over standard operating procedures.
Workspace is littered with research books, computers and high-tech items - lots of projects are underway, and the focus is not on tidiness.
Dress is informal and utilitarian.
Manner is skeptical and intellectually challenging.
Strong needs to be competent in any endeavor they deem important.
Insatiable thirst for knowledge.
Has an astonishingly broad base of information, they usually know something about almost any subject.
Loves the mental challenge, will be restless once they’ve mastered the challenge or solved the problem, they want to move onto something else.
Opposition does not intimidate them.
Ability and interest to analyze everything.
Incredibly self-assured, confident and not easily influenced.
Not impressed by a title or authority; only impressed if person is competent at what they do.
Voicing their opinions and fighting for what they believe in comes naturally to them.
Their work gives much of their self-esteem, all work and no play.
Living as a Green:
When communicating I like to think before I speak.
My communication approach is often objective and strategic.
I tend to talk about theories, new ideas and future plans.
In communication I dislike looking stupid.
I tend to communicate to figure things out and solve problems.
When people watch or experience me in communicating, they would say that I tend to analyze and ask questions.
Interacting to improve communication and help brighten a Green:
Provide information when they request it instead of getting defensive.
Recognize the value and usefulness of their work.
Notice when they are being complimentary.Honor their privacy and allow them independence.
Demonstrate logic for rules.
Consider their ideas.
Understand their sense of humor.
Don’t try and force him to make you their priority.
Pay attention to what they need or want.
Strengths found in a Green personality:
Sees the larger bigger picture.
Sets and maintains high standards.
Challenged most when someone says it can’t be done or is impossible.
Focuses on mission of organization.
Builds conceptual frameworks or systems.
Examines consequences analytically and impersonally.
Intellectual strategist architect of change.
Conceptualizing and designing especially with regard to organizational change.
Can see the core of complex issues or problems.
Inordinate ability, interest and desire to absorb knowledge.
Personal value and belief systems typically held by a “Green” personality:
Ideas, logic, knowledge, independence, analysis, research, technology, innovation, clarity, data and information, intellectual achievement, time to think, systematic approach.
Personal needs typical to a “Green” personality:
Accuracy, timing, challenge, opportunity to ask questions, time to understand, truth and facts, information, intellectual stimulation, know-how, experience.
Stressers typical to a “Green” personality type person:
Blocks imposed on their ability to display intelligence.
Overly sensitive people.
Being limited to standard curriculum.
People who don’t try and solve their own problems.
When they don’t understand or know something.
Incompetence, made to look incompetent.
Not sufficient time to gather enough data.
Boredom and redundancy.
Lack of independence.
Rules that block progress.
Routine.Nothing new to look forward to.
Characteristics of a highly stressed or faded “Green”:
Refuses to comply or cooperate.
Putdowns and sarcastic remarks.
Refuses to communicate, the silent treatment.
Perfection tied to performance anxiety.
Highly critical toward self and others.
When disturbed becomes compulsive.
Stress relief techniques useful for a “Green” personality to achieve inner peace:
Balance your critiques.
Honor your independence.
Validate your interest.
Pay attention to your physical condition.
Invite yourself to make mistakes.
Recognize you can only change yourself.
Reach out to others.
That all having been first said, (which now fully explains why I would have been so compulsive as to have had to have answered soooo many questions and taken soooo many of the available tests. . . ), on the more personal notes side of the coin, I would also want to share your knowing that:
I take pride in wanting to respect and fulfill what are to be found as the needs and desires of my partner, and have learned to now know that I too need to be needed by her for fulfillment of these same regards considering it an honor to be so wanted as well as simply just desired. I have not ever yet been a player, nor to I ever want to become one, and instead I have been searching to discover one who can emotionally as well as rationally desire wanting to be finding a commitment to become my best friend and valued co-partner in what intends to become a long term, if not in fact a lifetime relationship that hopefully will never end for the rest of our lives. In a past life, I had become rather accustomed to be loving having had what could best be termed "a rustic rural lifestyle living", found in my having been living on my 40 acre "hobby farm" that is more like a nature preserve with two ponds, tons of white cedar trees providing a 50' wide perimeter all around the acreage.
I love my son and two daughters, born 8/05, 8/01, and 1/00 respectively, and my now five chocolate Labrador female dogs, and have particularly enjoyed having lived to have made a very tangibly significant difference in each of their lives such that if you are blessed to have had any family of your own, I would embrace earning their respect and affection no different than how I have successfully continued to have remained particularly significant with those of my very own. I would sure look forward in anticipating that you would love mine reciprocally as I would want you to want me to earn your respect in loving your own children as though they had been my very own.
I have enjoyed founding and operating multiple small businesses all of my life since I was 12 years old, I have made and lost several small fortunes, and would love to do it all over again with having the right partner with which to share all of the great fun with, as well as the risks and rewards to be gained from having cultured yet another enterprise undertaking having been yet again, well done. I believe I am worth making an investment in, and particularly savor what I anticipate would be the opportunities presented for me to reciprocate back to you my giving back long term dividends of unconditional love and understanding from my heart, soul and every molecule of my very being. I love problem solving and finding optimum solutions... Looking for someone who also appreciates the quality of life found uniquely in living a rural lifestyle, one who also loves animals and kids, and like me, has become considerably the wiser for now having lived a robust and wonderfully full complex life, such that you too have come to have an understanding that yours and my own life's "baggage" is exactly what makes each of us valuable now to the other, to be found worthy of having lived such a well self-examined life, as well as to be looking forward to becoming appreciated for having woven the fabric that has become the substance and positive force now grounding, as well as driving what is to become the future tomorrows of our present lives.
I am self- introspective, communicative, still vulnerable and capable of unconditionally loving when respected. I have not yet forgotten the exhilaration that remains possible only when operating without need to construct any preclusive emotional safety nets remaining between myself and the ones that I would want to love and be loved so enthusiastically and wholly reciprocally and unconditionally.
Having now lived more than seven+ years past having previously completed surviving from what was a year's long grieving process, I have since then now come into the phase of my present state of being where I am looking forward to the beginning of what is to become the next stage of my life.
Now looking forward with great anticipation as to what is to become in completing my next journey of existence after literally starting over in my personal life, as well as in now having all but completely healed without having become hardened, I have become ready to be now looking forward towards having a real partner with whom to share my next life with. I am actively looking forward to the next opportunity to apply all that I have thus far now learned about myself and as important, celebrate in better understanding much more of the privilege to be taken in enjoying all of the responsibilities I owe to another in reciprocity devoted to fulfilling their needs as they might take pride and pleasure in similarly maintaining their interest to be number 1 in remaining needed within the interdependency of my wishing you to look forward to be wanted to become my one and only in fulfilling mine.
I like music where I can hear the vocalist singing, not being drown out by their band.
I am an omnivore, with a strong tilting to the healthy side of the platter. I've learned to really enjoy preparing meals for my family over the last 5 years, although baked cinnimon rolls since I was 8 over my mother's dead body. . .cooking is little different than chemistry, just that you get to eat your experiments when they are done, good and bad alike. Really believe that sharing a good meal with a person is an excellent form of beginning communications, although my concept of foreplay involves just slightly deeper intimacy than is usually the case around meal preparation and cleanup, I have to confess that I've never minded becoming enthused over a great meal, warmed up while cleaning it all up afterwards, and then continuing what has been an excellent conversation over into an intimate evening of massaging complete digestion of the day's occurrences while relaxing into the contemplation of something similar happening to my mind and soul as a continuim of transitioning from where we left off having just endeavored to have nourished our bodies. Its all a life process, why not celebrate it in all of its respective colors!
Grateful to have received permission from another on-line prospect woman to have confirmed that I would probably continue to love what I had so valued of what I had known about my ex, for the rest of my life, notwithstanding the past relationship, now more than 8 years distant, is so, so finally done with and over, over, over. Having previously loved unconditionally and not regretting those past commitments has provided me now with the peace and freedom to continue to celebrate the good taken from out of my past, without feeling guilt for realizations gained that I have had to move on in my own personal growth and rediscovering what is to become of my new foundation for future happiness. The harmony derived from my finally having my thoughts, actions and deeds all synchronized now working together locks in my security of having become able to really feel good about being able to recognize that women I meet are as likely to similarly retain holding special feelings for valuing what was good about their past love(s) previously found existent in their past lives, without either of us having to be looking over our shoulders wondering if they too have moved on, such that their past is not continuing to remain a boat anchor fixing them to the shore while their ship also needs to set sail on discovering what could become the voyage to be taken with me in the discovery of what journey's can become of the rest of their lives.
Came across a paragraph written to me by what seemed to have been a rather particularly intelligent woman, describing what she was searching for to the effect posited:
"I seek a partner ultimately for marriage, who's been through hell and accepts that baggage is real and the guts of what makes up every person, who doesn't believe "It's all good" because it simply isn't, who's a mid-brain creative+analytical mix/entrepreneurial/techier-bent, who's lifetime loyal as were my family members of my parents' generation, who's a curious and inquisitive world explorer, who was raised to be/is an actual gentlemen and knows what that involves, comfortable in Sorels and a tux, who believes there's some high power to the universe past himself, who understands the requirements of reciprocity, obligation and daily respect in all relationships, who values and admires his female partner for all her uniqueness as a daily gift and would protect her with his life, and who can readily call himself an idiot, wrong, unknowledgeable or inexperienced when he actually is -- while being open to learning from others, being appreciative and in awe of the small and large in the world around him, behaving with humility, compassion and courage, and made of stuff that identifies him as more of a giver than a taker. Who's the same person in public and private, who doesn't believe in betrayal, bullying, deception, dishonesty or manipulation, or living in any manner but in the light. "
and did it ever resonate particularly with me for having described what standard I would love to attempt to live up to in earning the respect of another holding me to exactly such a wonderful standard. . . it summarized as best as I've ever been presented it, in one place and time, exactly what I would want to grow into, as well as remain the benchmark for what I would want to shoot for in becoming exactly such a person for one who would want to so love me being me. . . I thank her for having so shared it with me, and just had to have pasted it here as a reminder to hisself, if no others, for what I would hope to aspire to be endeavoring to become self-actualizing into.
Finally, it would be soooooo refreshing for the dear reader to understand that I am positioned to be eager to contemplate the need for me to become the one moving to join up with my future life's partner, such that any present distance remaining betweenst us is only that, a temporary situation that can be easily corrected, should circumstance prove the need for me to relocate so as to respect the roots that you too have firmly planted within what you have come to have valued in your own community.
Thank you for having considered me for having any potential to be worthy of becoming your future closest bestest friend and unconditional lover.. If you've made it this far, know in your own heart of hearts that for sure, I would love to hear back from yous. . .