No. I don't want to date you.
I just took that MBTI test. Results: INTP
I've been described as a sociopath with a heart of gold. That sums me up pretty well.
DISCLAIMER: I keep getting hate mail, which the reason for it is unbeknown to me, but let me clarify things. Most of my profile is not who I am. It's there for laughs. If you cannot form even the slightest chuckle, then move on. I should probably change it, but I have things to do rather than make a proper internet dating profile.
The Keith Thompson Experience
You will drive to my house for two days of sightseeing, partying, and drinking with me, Keith Thompson
—We’ll set a mutually convenient weekend for you to come up to my house.
—I will call at least once to reschedule because something better came along and I traded up. So make sure to keep at least three weekends free.
—We will talk a few times before you come to my house. If I haven’t met you yet, I will demand pictures of you, taken from multiple angles. This is not so I can more easily identify whether or not you are capable of being seen with me in public. It is to determine if you are hot enough to hear from me prior to your arrival.
—You will come over on a Saturday morning, and since I was out drinking the night before.
—I will answer the door in a white T-shirt with at least one hot sauce stain on it, gym shorts, messy hair, unshaven, reeking of pit sweat, stale alcohol, and fresh sex.
—Depending on how early you get to my place, there may be a girl still there. She should be getting dressed to leave by that point. If not, just ignore her. She’ll be gone soon—this is YOUR special day, not hers.
—I will ask you what you want to do. If it’s something I don’t feel like doing, I will pretend you didn’t say anything and then ask you again what you want to do. I will repeat this until your suggestion is something that sounds good to me, or until you get frustrated and ask me what I want to do. (FYI, if your suggestion includes anything that pleasures me while requiring no work on my part—e.g., fellatio—I can guarantee I will like it.)
—If there is anything about you that annoys me, I will tell you so. You will leave my presence knowing everything that is wrong with you. If you try to defend yourself by criticizing me back, I will quickly find your deepest insecurity and viciously attack it for a solid 45 minutes. I call this “foreplay.”
—I constantly have my hands in my pants. I’m not jacking off or even playing with myself; sometimes I just get afraid I’ve lost my penis somewhere, and I like to make sure it’s still there. Just a heads-up.
—After I ignore your suggestions on what to do for a few hours, I’ll be hungry for lunch. I will ask you what you want, but regardless of what you say, we will go to my favorite place in Spokane : Chicken and Mo.
—Being that you’re the type of person who goes to charity balls, you might be shocked by the “urban” location and decor of Chicken 'n Mo.
—I will snort and grunt as I shovel the food into my mouth with my bare hands. I’ll get grease and hot sauce all over my face and my already stained shirt. I will offer you a chicken bone I’ve picked clean, “Want some?” The look on your face will be funny to me. I will repeat this for as many times as I find it funny.
—After this glorious ghetto feast, I will take a two-hour nap on the sofa. Be careful, I fart a lot after I eat fried foods.
—I don’t care what you do during that time, but no, I am not going to cuddle with you. Unless it is postcoital cuddling.
—After I wake up, I’ll feel bad that you drove all this way and didn’t even get to see any of the famous Spokane sights, so I’ll ask you what you want to do.
—I’ll pretend to pay attention to what you are saying, while I go to the fridge. I’ll get a few beers, pound them, then ask you again what you want to do.
—Depending on how many beers I’ve had, I may repeatedly point to my crotch and nod approvingly. This is what I call “a hint.”
—If you haven’t given up at this point and just surrendered to my will, bravo. I’ll remind you that this is your special day, and we’re going to do what you want to do.
—Regardless of your request, we will head to an early all-you-can-drink with my friends. You may ask if I am going to change or shower before we go out. I’ll tell you that I will, but just walk straight out the door. I’m so funny!
—When we get to the bar, I will “forget” my money and you will have to pay for both of us. Fair warning: Unless I am already drunk and I really like you, don’t expect me to thank you for it. My presence should be thanks enough.
—At the bar, I’ll introduce you to my friends and I might get your first drink for you (to make sure the drinks actually are on your tab), but after that I will wander around talking to other girls to see if I can trade up.
—Some of my friends will be nice to you and try to help you forget that I am ignoring you in favor of other women. At least a few of my friends will try to hook up with you (the hotter you are, the more they will hit on you, so if none do, that means you’re ugly). Don’t believe the awful lies they tell you. You know the REAL me.
—A dozen or so vodka clubs into the night, and after I’ve already pissed off most of the other girls in the bar, if there are no better prospects, I will come back and talk to you to see if you want to hook up with me.
—If not, we’ll go to another place, with more and different girls.
—On to the next, rinse and repeat.
—And the next.
—By the time we get to the fourth or fifth bar, I will be completely shit-housed, will have stains on top of stains on my shirt, there may or may not be several whores trailing us, vying for my attention, and at least one of my friends will have told you that you are too good for me and should love him, because he is such a wonderful person. (FYI: He’s a hater and a liar.)
—Hopefully by this point I’ve succeeded in breaking you down to the point where you just give in—exasperated surrender sex is the best! I’ll give you a night so memorable, it’ll help you reach a place addiction specialists refer to as “the bottom.”
—If you think you love me, then I’m sorry your dad was so mean to you. I’ll show you that I care by shooting my compassion juice into you and then cuddling with you as it leaks out onto my sheets, because after all, it is YOUR night.
—If you hate me so much that it’s obvious you aren’t going to fuck me, I will do something to cause you either to storm off in anger or go home with one of my friends. Then I can go fuck one of the various sluts orbiting me without feeling bad about ruining YOUR day. You get angry revenge sex, and my friend gets laid. Everybody wins!
—We will wake up the next morning just in time for you to rush to the front door. Since you already know the way, I won’t bother getting out of bed.
—When you get home, you will regret ever meeting me. If we had sex, you will rush to the free clinic to get tested. The results will come back negative, and you’ll think to yourself, “At least the fact that he passed out a minute into sex has some benefit.”
—Any and/or all of this is changeable, revocable, etc., at my will or discretion. (Insert legalese where I waive all responsibility for my actions despite what I do.)
—If you made it to this point, you probably think I am a funny writer. I am. And you’re probably also thinking I have to be kidding. I’m not.
Can’t wait to meet you!
Just kidding. I'm just a piece of meat for you to take advantage of.
Pretty sure the first date will go like this song.
Movies - I've watched many, many movies. I'm a bit of a cinematic freak. Green Street Hooligans tops the list. Followed by Avatar, Grandma's Boy, and Role Models, and Brick, Wristcutters: A Love Story. Others include many kung fu movies, 90's action films, and documentaries on things I have no knowledge of. 3/28/2011 10:41 PM Just finished watching "The Human Centipede" NEVER WATCH THAT MOVIE
Music - The Weeknd and the Spotify radio of Chilltronica No. 2.
Food - PBR and a shot of the finest, cheapest whiskey in town.
2. Duct Tape
4. Soundproof Windowless Van
5. Abandoned Warehouse
Sometimes when I'm fucking a chick, I go to fuck them again in the morning and they say something like this; "No. When we fucked last night it was a last night, it was a little bit dry and now I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, my eyes say, "Your problem." My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole wet. Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do. See, if I don't get an erection during sex I'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole, and you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself. But, women don't take responsibility for the dry hole. If I go to fuck a chick tonight and I get too drunk, which I will, and I don't get an erection, she will go back to her friends and say, "I went to fuck that Keith Thompson, he couldn't get an erection." But if I go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she will go back to her friends and say, "I fucked that Keith Thompson, he didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there? I'm in charge of everything. I used to fuck this chick for awhile, and I stopped fucking her. I just stopped calling her, you know. She sent me a text a month later that went, "Oh, by the way, you never made me cum." I was like, "Really? You think you're the one that makes me cum? Do I know who makes me cum? I make me cum! All the horrible thoughts I have in my head makes me cum! You have very little to do with it. You're just the container I shoot it into." But let's go back to the dry vagina. There are a bit of women who think that they wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay.
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each other to get one another ready for sex. If I have an erection, that means I'm ready for sex, and I'm all foreplayed out. Now the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like this:
You gotta start, by kissing them. Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about kissing. We kiss you cause let's face it, we like you. And we spoil you. Men just don't give a fuck about kissing . We used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. After that, it's, "What's this kissing thing? Why am I kissing this person? Why play on the swings when I've already been to Disneyland?" But we kiss you because we like you and, we're a charitable bunch. Then you start kissing down their neck, and the whole time you're doing this, you're working your way downwards towards the vagina. Now you know you're going to the vagina. She knows you're going to the vagina. Everybody knows, you're going to the vagina. But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not going to the vagina, and that you're enjoying the journey of this creature. You have to give women a journey. Men don't give a shit about a journey. If a man is driving from point a to point b, we fill the tank, get on the highway and we make good time. With women, you have to give them a fucking journey. You have to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit. See, women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how titillate your man inall these 25 steps. It's a lot of fucking bullshit. Oh get a feather. Involve food into the relationship. This is all bullshit. Play with his nipples. Those things are fucking dead. They're dead to me! They mean nothing! You can cut them off and donate them to some poor African child that without nipples. I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what guys want you to do: suck our dick and cup our balls. And while you're sucking our dick, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable. Anyway, back to the lady. You keep kissing down, and now you're at the tits. Tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you have to be firm with, some you have to be soft with. Some nipples you can bite, some nipples you just stay the fuck away from. Tits are like golf, you play the course you're on. You keep kissing down, and now you're at the vagina. Now when you're at the vagina, you have to act like you're not at the vagina. You have to act like you stumbled upon the vagina by accident. So you'll be kissing a bit of dimply thigh in front of you, and to your side is the vagina. You have to sort of almost go, "Oh hello! I was visiting dimply thigh I forgot you lived down here! Always a pleasure never a chore! Mind if I pop on in?" Then you lick the whole general vagina area. Then there's a bit on top of the vagina that if you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10-40 minutes, and she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman. Now the foreplay that's necessary for a man. We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, compliments, caresses, and licks, when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationship seriously.
A combination of the two.
I also enjoy unicorns.
I fucking hate hiking.
You want to know of the REAL me.
You want to enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage.
You have braces. Don't ask why. I just find it incredibly fucking adorable.
We find each other attractive on a physical and intellectual level.
If you're an attractive hair stylist that wants to date me. I need a haircut.
You want zero emotional commitment. Let's not kid ourselves. Many people want this, and I am too broken to give any emotion.
You want to send me hate mail. Me and my friends really enjoy reading them.
Do NOT message me if you actually read my profile and noticed all the grammatical errors and want to tell me about it. At this point, I already know, and I do not give a shit. Do you know how long it took just to type the damn thing? Having to read it all and find the individual errors is far too taxing. Fuck that. Besides, this is just okcupid. Not real life.