ideal_vs_real
38 Vancouver, Canada
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ideal_vs_real
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My self-summary
How would I describe myself? Hmmm... there's two types of guys I could be...

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[An Ideal Guy] - Real enough for many.

He's a skilled homemaker. You will not find a single whisker in the sink. He expects to have your meal ready for you and some "Whiskas" for your cat when you get home from work at five o'clock.

He loves to bake and will have pies and other warm goodies on the window sill whenever you get a craving.

He will rush to the grocery store to buy you "Always with Wings" and "Centrum® Ultra Women's" because you are crampy, bloated, and your cold keeps you at home.

He will continually stock your sock drawer with new pairs of nylons (he hates it when they get a run) to match whatever shoes you are going to wear. When you do not have a pair of shoes to match any particular pair of nylons, he will always agree with you that you do not have enough pairs of shoes. He will spray every pair of strappy heels (that you wear sans nylons) with "Febreze"; not because they smell but just to make them extra fresh.

His dexterous fingers and strong hands do amazing things. Every night he will paint your toenails and rub your feet because you feel as though they have walked a hundred miles; and he knows that tomorrow, they will walk a hundred more.

When you catch him at a traffic light, he will be singing along, word for word, to Vanessa Carlton's, "A Thousand Miles".

He is an excellent potter and loves nothing better than to dance; sober. At any moment, you and him could recreate scenes from "Ghost" or "Dirty Dancing".

He has excellent control of his body which he tries to keep up to snuff. If you ever want him to get oiled up and act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, he would be prepared; as long as he gets to snuggle afterward.

He is a lover who is really all about chick flicks and cuddling. When you get cold while you and him are watching his favorite movie, "Failure to Launch", he will get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea.

If you ever need to talk he will be there for you.

He would just love talking to you in the mirror while he stands behind you brushing your hair. He would then put his hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine, Dear". It will be just as cathartic as watching "Oprah".

He loves Oprah Winfrey. Hopefully you and him will have time to watch reruns of that and "Sex in the City" a lot.

He really likes gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots.

If you do not like parrots, he is willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best you and him hunt for our food.

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[A Real Guy] - Ideal enough for a few.

I work in a profession that is not always "nine to five" so someone with a hairnet and a mole (that they have named "Whiskas" and has its own hairnet) often does my cooking for me. Although I am encouraged to be clean-shaven, I do look good with a five o'clock shadow.

When it does come to my kitchen, I wear an apron whenever cooking with liquids at the stove and I clean my ball-caps in the dishwasher.

At the grocery store in the fast check-out lane, I would be saying "Ooooooo !!!" out loud to myself when I see that "Extra Gum" has a brand new flavor. Subsequently, I would have to give you the gum because I forgot to get the "Always".

I match my socks to my pants rather than my shoes and would never wear them with sandals. My favourite things to put on are my "Onitsuka" sneakers, "Parasuco" jeans, and my "Super-Dry" t-shirt. I only own two of those wrinkled up dress shirts and am very careful how often I wear them out. Let it be known, I know the difference between a dress and a skirt.

My dexterous fingers have been learning to play the guitar for many years now. At home, I take off my socks in the house because I love the feeling of bare feet on hardwood. On the highway, I take off my shoes in the car.

When you catch me at a traffic light, I am making up the words (because I do not know them) to a song on the radio.

"Unchained Melody" and "The Time of My Life" are two of those songs.

I am very athletic however still to this day have never learned to skate backwards. I can eagerly laugh "at" myself (falling down carpeted stairs) and easily laugh "by" myself (watching "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles").

I appreciate the difference between a movie and a film. I turn on the subtitles even when watching either in English. If I am laying down on the couch underneath a blanket, I usually end up dozing off unless I have some caffeinated tea.

I will not talk to you ... during the trailers at the cinema. However, I quietly say "bless you" even if someone will never hear me.

I will buy five cent candies to cheer you up. I love cola bottles. I *heart* cinnamon gum but loathe cinnamon hearts. While eating those candies, I think reading a book of short stories together would be very cathartic. Although, alone I always read the last paragraph of a book first.

I want "Politically Incorrect" to be brought back to television. For the most part, I despise reality television except for the even playing field of "Blind Date". I do empathize with the tenacity of Wile E. Coyote.

I have never planted a garden but I do have a compost in my backyard as I believe recycling is not just for Europeans.

My favorite restaurants are those where I must point at the menu either because the staff can not speak English or I can not properly read aloud what I am ordering.

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Have an idea which one you prefer? Good, that's what I thought you'd say.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm thinking about opening a topless cleaning service for women. I would parade around older women's homes lightly dusting their trinkets. I would wear white gloves and cutoff jeans. Nothing else. The old birds would purr as I would wipe my feathers across their china, making subtle eye contact. I would see the sadness in their eyes, longing for the touch of another. Sweat would bead on my face as she bends over to pull up her diabetic socks. After the brief, shameful sex, she would pay me in quarters and ask if I need a ride home.

She would always sneer at me out of the corner of her mouth as if she knew something I didn't. The brandy would slowly drip from her swirling glass, staining the new white carpet. "Better wipe that up," she would purr. Her ancient, gold teeth shimmering in the hot autumn sun. As I bend over to wipe the floor, she abruptly stops me. "No honey...here," as she gestures to her antique loins.
You should message me if
You fancy my perfect date night: I pick you up in my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You say, "... Is that dangerous?" I reply, "yes, but I like danger." We go to your favorite restaurant and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and see that my car is now on fire. You say, "Your car is on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and say, "No. I knew this would happen." Then, I kiss you - in front of my burning car.
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