48Los Angeles, United States
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My self-summary
I'm a comedian and I'm not funny. I'm handsome but only on the inside. I have huge calves. Seriously my calves are huge, so huge in fact that I probably need calf reduction surgery. If I ever meet Anne Hathaway I'm going to sing to her "oh ohh we're Hathaway there, oh ohh livin' on a prayer!" I'm not eligible for a SAG award because everything I got is still pretty firm. My lack of charm is a big part of my charm. I can't respect someone who lives their life in fear. All I care about is making you laugh and being there when you need me.
What I’m doing with my life
Just finished touring and I'm back in LA awaiting my next adventure. Did I mention I'm adventurous?
I’m really good at
Pronouncing words like "crudite", "etouffee" and "pad see ew".
The first things people usually notice about me
My tall, dark nostrils.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
BOOKS: The War of Art, The Art of War, World War Z, Women, Fight Club, Snow Crash, Outliers, Ghost World, Final Crisis

FILMS: Robocop, Aliens, In the Bedroom, House of Flying Daggers, Rushmore, Amelie, Serenity, Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Silver Linings Playbook, Pacific Rim

TV: Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Office (BBC), The Office (NBC), Breaking Bad, Girls, Fringe, The IT Crowd, Arrested Development, Futurama

MUSIC: Zwan, Weezer, Journey, Guided by Voices, Davidson Hart Kingsbury, The Lumineers, The Hives, The Killers, Kanye West, Electric Light Orchestra, Miles Davis, The Flaming Lips, Huey Lewis & the News, Weird Al Yankovic, Beastie Boys, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

FOOD: lobster bisque, kale, hummus, pad thai, eel rolls, pork ribs, pork chops, pulled pork, carnitas, chocolate Cheerios, Cliff bars, coffee, Red Vines, oatmeal & peanut butter, Cali California omelets, yogurt (Tillamook!), jalapenos
Six things I could never do without
1. Jalapenos
2. Mountains
3. Video games
4. Hair straighteners
5. Trader Joe's body wash
6. Inspirational sweat
I spend a lot of time thinking about
This moment right now.
On a typical Friday night I am
Hanging out with friends and enemies.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a secret and I'm ashamed of it but I read somewhere that the more we hold our secrets in, the more power they have over us. I'm shaking as I type this, but here goes, here's my deep, dark secret: About two years ago I bought a bottle of Trader Joe's body wash and after a week of using it I realized it was Trader Joe's shampoo. It was shampoo, I had been washing my body for a week with shampoo! The bottles looked exactly the same! Anyone could have made that mistake! But it wasn't just anyone who made it, it was me and now it's something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Oh yeah and I own a Zune.
You should message me if
You know how to use a computer.
The two of us