Welcome those of you too cheap to pay for E-Harmony (myself included, though I do maintain an active profile at farmersonly.com username: "PlowandPlantSeed").
I'm from Cumming, GA between the Cumming Dick's sporting goods and the Cumming Target near the Cumming Outback. I just took up a position at the local newspaper: The Cumming Insider where I work on undercover investigations. They are a much more reputable newspaper than the Cumming Post.
I am like the famous T-Shirt you can buy in Panama City for 4/$20 "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look". I recite this mantra 15 times a day, usually when I try to pick up women while riding the Megabus.
I am the inventor of several sexual positions including the "box cutter" (not for those interested in the mile high club) and the "Regal Kegal". For all those microbiologists out there, I created the "wet mount slide".
I'm a procrastinator, but I always get it done at the last possible second. This is why you can trust me to pull out as a sole form of birth control. Never fret, I've been stockpiling Plan B in case we go under a fundamentalist Catholic police state. I think that the expiration date is just there for maximum freshness right?
Not all my pursuits are hedonistic. I love to organize charity projects. I founded the first 5k Walk of Shame. It involves walking in soiled inside-out undergarments while crying. 5k also happens to be the exact distance between my apartment and the Greyhound bus station. All of the proceeds go into helping victims of this okcupid profile.
I don't care about your Myers-Briggs type. I think Myers-Briggs are horoscopes for hipsters and are essentially the personality tests administered by scientologists. However, I am an EWOK.
I'm a Yanni-loving computer nerd with a stack of synthesizers and drum machines that makes new new age music so revolutionary that all new age music prior to me is now just called "Age music". My stage name is Tesh.0
I am a tech junkie, feel at home with a box open, slipping a big new hard drive into an open bay...and I also like working with computers. I can make anything into innuendo, it's a gift and a curse...just kidding, it's all gift baby. I know a lot about cell phones, video games, computers and tech. If your idea of a hot cell phone is a Pink Razr covered in stick-on sequins that spell "Princess" then I am not your man.
Besides comedy,I also write really short stories. I call them "sentences".
I'm looking for friends with benefits...mainly because I no longer have dental insurance and want to get in on a good 401k plan
Continuing my fearless pursuit of of furthering women's health through my research into discovering new ways manually detect G spot cancer before it kills.
Shows: walking dead, south park, mythbusters, nba, ncaa football, real stripper moms of Boise.
Whatever iheartradio wants me to hear!
Physical by Olivia Newton-John is the greatest song/music video combination in history. I think it should earn a Grammy every year since nothing has topped it since its release.
Movies- Secretary, A dirty shame, Indiana Jones, Star Wars 3-6, Oh My! What a Cream Pie!, Female Ejaculation for Self Defense, Fisting of peter north star, Invisible Condoms and drunk sorority girls, happy scrappy: hero pup, DVDA on DVD, look who's coming to the Donner party! Amelie, City of the Lost Children, 12 monkeys, Shawshank, Super Troopers, Honey I shrunk the kids, Honey I broke the condom, Honey I baked the ham, Honey I murdered your toy poodle
Every movie Tyler Perry has ever made.
Favorite foods are gluten, soy, and dairy. How many old people do you know with food allergies vs how many young people? The elderly understand that with a lactose allergy they are going to have gas if they eat ice cream and guess what, they still eat ice cream.
Chicago style pizza is the best food in the world and I wish it caused weight loss like Alli (not the boxer or the Mcbeal) I just don't want to carry an extra pair of dark underwear...like Batman).
I am also a pretty damn good cook/baker and love to have impromptu throwdowns where the loser has to cut a finger off with a butcher knife. I had to stop when my lifelong dream of being a movie critic was in danger. In other words, if your dream was to have someone on OKCupid give you the shocker, perhaps you should check out another profile. I recommend you google "okcupid malepantylover" (no quotes and click the first link) for additional guidance. Until then, well I can still reenact the famous scene from ET with you...which is a great first date option!
4)Making lists of 6 things I could never do without
5) This number intentionally left blank
6)The words "free after rebate"
7)Accidentally overdoing it every time!
An alternate list would be
1) Pump up the volume
2) Pump up the volume
3) Pump up the volume
(I think putting the painting over the sofa would look good)
No matter what I do, I'll always be funnier than Russell Brand.
Why the majority of people that contact me only say "you have a funny profile!" I already know that and no, you won't get your soul back (read about that in the last section).
Will I ever meet a woman that when i ask to "stop asking questions", won't respond with "why do you want me to stop asking questions? "
Did anyone read the middle of my favorite movies section?
Do I have groupies? Do they like group sex? Do they like groping? Are groupies more likely to own guppies and puppies as pets? Do you (the reader) want to be my groupie?
Wearing a baggy gray sweatshirt with an airbrushed photo of a horse standing in the checkout line at Michael' s with an armful of clearance crafting supplies dreaming of plans to use them to turn on my oppressors.
I cry sometimes when I watch the michael Jackson earth song music video. Before you judge, go on, see if you can watch it without crying. See....Niagara Falls
You are one of the girls who rides dolphins at the Georgia aquarium. I'll even settle for sea world. Seriously.
You are hiding under your bed with your cell phone while masked men with machine guns have broken into your house and you only have time to either call 911 or send me that slutty selfie you took in the bathroom, I hope you choose the latter.
You are BBW and drive a BMW. You listen to the BBC but don't mind that I don't have a BBC.
You are college educated in a study useful to acquiring employment, that you aren't living with your parents, don't have kids, and that you are able to perfectly take care of yourself. Strangely, when I see these demands in a girl's profile, it usually means that they did the opposite of all these things.
You may notice I did not check the box saying I am looking for casual sex. This is not an error, or due to my crippling chronic fatigue syndrome of my left mouse button finger. I do, as the ladies here often say, NOT WANT CASUAL SEX.
Instead, I am looking for formal sex of the highest caliber. Attractive formal wear in the bedroom only! Corsets and gowns for the LADIES, and a rented tuxedo from Sears for me. There should be conversation of the highest caliber, with many "how do you do?"s and "twas that all?s " Proper place settings of sex toys is essential ! Remember, the butt plug goes to the LEFT of the hitachi magic wand, and ALWAYS put a cockring on the rolled up shamwow for the eventual cleanup. I want sex like the dance scene in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Flowing beautifully and with grace. I'll even use the talking candlestick for wax play-that'll shut it up!
you're a polyamorous poly-sci majoring polyglot covered in Polynesian sauce
You believe that 2^# of cats=how crazy a girl is
You think the stupidest thing ever is asking for pancakes at the waffle house.
I am NOT looking for a one night stand! I am looking for two night stands! (one to put next to my bed to hold up my alarm clock and another on the other side to hold a glass of water)
*Note-Look, I made a deal with Satan that if you laughed, even internally or just remotely enjoyed my profile to get to the end, we get to keep your soul. You don't want that do you? Thankfully, I can return at least half of it to you. Here's how to get it back.
Produce some sort of fan art. I really need some art for my office. It can be something related to this profile if you like. Make me a painting/drawing and I'll give you your soul back. For inspiration google "ouchie the clown". Look at his fan art, I want something like that.
Of course, the process of putting your soul back involves several hours and a comfortable but sturdy bed.
OKCUPID used to have an award system, but they took it away because I had all the awards. I really wish they would bring it back. I really deserve an "eye candy" award. Not because I am particularly good looking, but because my diabetes is so out of control I cry tears of sweet sugar water. If I put some Kool-aid under my eyelid, my tears taste super delicious.
Please don't click the "like" button , I don't pay for A-list and you'll just appear as one of 500-blurred faces on my like list. Send me a message instead.
Most of the profile is just comedy, but if you are local and in the polyamory, BDSM/kink community, shoot me a message, I'd love to hear from you. I'm not actively seeking an emotional relationship right now.
P.S. If you are Amy Schumer (the comedian, not some other Amy Schumer) please message me, I really want to meet you.