33 Dayton, United States
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My self-summary
I'm looking for friends at this point. Not cause I'm entirely opposed to relationshipping but because I'm tired of going on dates that feel like really aggressive job interviews. "What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your salary requirements? Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you are!"
N.b. ☞ Asking "What are you looking for?" in the first ten minutes of a date should be punishable by death.


Movie adaptations of Nicholas Sparks' books give me hives. I hate grass. It smells weird and it makes me itchy. I like cats and kittens. Dogs are on a case by case basis. I like fish but they're horrible to cuddle with and no fun to pet. I like babies because they're not really people yet. I hate teenagers because they're all the worst parts of people mushed into a pimple-riddled, angst-fueled bag of asshole.
What I’m doing with my life
Building up a small (but lethally adorbs) wind-up animal army at my work desk, desperately craving a nap, spending excessive amounts of money at Target, mixing Halloween stuff in with my every day household decorations.
I’m really good at
Making myself unappealing, being hilarious, verbally assaulting strangers, creating elaborate fantasy worlds in my head, obsessing about things I have no control over, answering asinine questions on dating websites, ruining poignant moments, seeming way more interesting on the internet than I actually am.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I'm hilarious. Or awkward. Or both.

I imagine at some point people notice that I am a person. More specifically, a lady person.

Cause tits.

Also cause I get nervous and scream "I'M A LADY!" on occasion.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I love reading but have trouble making myself read entire books nowadays as I have the attention span of a goldfish.
Currently reading "The Gunslinger" and "American Gods." (See: minimal attention span.)

Hands-down favorite movie: Aliens.
Horror movies overall. However, I like just about any movie except romantic comedies and "chick flicks." And Disney movies are on a very case-by-case basis because holy fucking hell, talk about depressing.

I don't keep up on current shows for the most part, plus I don't have cable. I do like The Walking Dead and Archer though.

Atmosphere, Sage Francis, Ghost, Electric Six, Panic! at the Disco, Mayday!, The Protomen, Lana Del Rey.

I like all the foods. I do not discriminate against foods. Sushi and Italian are probably my faves.
The six things I could never do without
Newt (my cat). (Told you.)
Macaroni & cheese.

(If your answer involves significant over-analysis or a treatise on how people are too reliant on things and the only things we really need are food, oxygen, blah blah, etc., I'm giving you some serious side-eye.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
"When can I take my pants off? Now? Can I take them off now? I bet no one would mind. And if they did, I bet they wouldn't say anything. And if they did say something, I could be all 'What the fuck, why are you even looking, you pervert?!'"

I also wonder who the first person was to decide we needed to mow our lawns.
On a typical Friday night I am
Vacillating between a desperate need to go out for the night and my body and brain's demands to hide in my bed.
You should message me if
... you can form an entire sentence using proper spelling and punctuation.
... you have strong feels about things which you think I may also have strong feels about.
... you know better than to mention your dick in casual conversation.
... you're looking for a new partner in your never-ending quest to conquer the world of competitive ice dancing.
... you're Andy Kaufman.