27 Providence, United States
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My self-summary
I'm gonna try to do this profile, but recently I downloaded this song called makemoneyonlinebiggerpenis.mp3.exe and then it wouldn't play but then my computer started acting weird. I keep telling my dumb parents to get me a mac so that this kind of thing won't happen anymore, but it hasn't happened yet :(
What I’m doing with my life
Heh. Let me tell you. I am gonna win the lottery. I see all these people trying to get ahead in life and stuff. But me, I got it all figured out. Have you seen the jackpot numbers lately? Why work hard when people are giving out millions of dollars for nothing! Man, once I win that, all my friends are going to be sooo jealous. I'm spending all the money on things instead of experiences because there is definitely an afterlife. First thing I'm gonna sell my Lexus and get a Lambo-Hummer like I TOLD my stupid dad I wanted. Then I'll get a tattoo of a dollar sign on mah dick because it's like they say - bitches love to blow money. Am i rite!
I’m really good at
Basically everything. It all started when Joejoe over on 8th showed me how to install a spoiler on my Lexus to make it go faster. Since then, I've landed in some dicey places in my Lexus. I like to feel the cool breeze in my window, cruising down the south side - where ol' $windla controls. Now I ain't saying I run dope. But I have did some errands for ol' $windla. Whenever things get too caliente, I just take to Mexico City to lay low for a while until shit cools down. After that, I'm back to doing the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs cause I'm ridin solo.
The first things people usually notice about me
Definitely my pecs and guns. Sometimes at the gym I feel all the ladies watching me as I lift weights most guys can't handle. It's like that episode of Milf Island where Pamela finally surrenders to the friendly kinesics of 8th grader Josh after he gets all ripped in the Gut Hut and they play some eye of a tiger song. Man, I cried during that episode. Let me keep it straight though - I'm tough. Where I come from, we drop bombs on sand people just to prove that we can (damn Harkonnens).
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I only listen to Nickelback, Nicki Minaj, and other quality stuff haters think they are too good to listen to. Man, if there's anything I can't stand, it's people who like old shit that came out more than 3 or 4 WHOLE YEARS ago. Oorah Masculinity Simulator 7? Cuss me up! Books? Hah! Books are for losers. My parents love me and will always be there for me. I sure feel sorry for people whose parents don't love them and make them go to college or work at some dumb job. Life is short. You should enjoy it. YOLO.
The six things I could never do without
1. Nascar
2. Madden 2013 Football Edition
3. The Internet (that blue E icon on the desktop)
4. Clubbing
5. Fox News
6. Our majestic heroes bombing sand people with freedom
I spend a lot of time thinking about
All kinds of stuff! Fox News keeps me informed about everything. Did you know that science is a farce? Or that Comrade Obama is an "urban" member of the socialist elite who is completely destroying America? It's crazy! You won't hear about it from the LIBERAL MEDIA, though. Some media stations like NPR are so liberally-biased, they've sunk all the way to journalism. The best part is that even though the Godless liberal media just puts out lies, Fox remains fair and balanced. For example, just the other day Bill O'Reilly mentioned in an interview that he thought that democrats might all be baby killer potheads, BUT he was still willing to consider that they could just be satanist atheists, too.

They report! You Decide!
On a typical Friday night I am
Getting crunk with my homie Calhound at Sylvester's. Always all the girls want to get with me. They want the D. Calhound says I should start wrapping it, but I've been using a technique I like to call "Spray and Pray®" forever. Ain't nothing bad happened yet. I think it's because I have a personal relationship with the creator of the universe - and when you consider that, it's not hard to accept that I have the president on the United States on speed dial.

Speaking of that, I should mention that anyone who doesn't believe in our holy Zeus of Mount Olympus is blind, immoral, and does not have what my faith provides for me in my life. Any rules he gives me that others don't follow will result in them being tortured for eternity.

But I'm here to tell you that Zeus loves you. Just read the Iliad and the Odyssey if you need proof of Him and His power.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
This one time, I was sitting at home, doing nothing - you know, a normal day. It's hard for me to talk about, but. . .I. . .I almost got this urge to, like, accomplish something. There was this book, I'll never forget. It beckoned me to open it. I. . .started to pick it up. But then BAM! The front door bust open. Awwww shit - it was Calhound! "Got me some bacardi, jack, coke, and tequilia," he said, juggling a few paper bags on his knee. "Are you ready to consume alcohol in social situations again?" Yeah, boooooiii!
You should message me if
you can pipe an ls into a grep