31Seattle, United States
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My self-summary
I was created in the 80s-- originally as a computer simulation-- by two unpopular teenage boys seeking social interaction with women. Entirely by accident, a winning combination of cutting edge Air Force technology and a freak electrical storm caused me to come to real-life fruition. Needless to say, I have magic powers and a talking cat, but I could've sworn he was a dog at some point.

What I’m doing with my life
I enjoy wanton abandon of sensible choices, writing prose, fiction and songs, cooking and baking, pouring fine Scotch out of crystal bottles in mahogany paneled offices for rich men who are smoking cigars, and I just softly laugh because I am a lady and naturally I've just poisoned them; hiding, general emotional rollercoasting, catching some but not yet em all, The Internet, beating hordes of rats with nail-riddled sticks, and painting.

Married, for really real. Six (7?) kids, and always looking for more. So keep your doors and windows locked!

I no longer train endangered albino cave newts to perform in the traveling circus. Please stop contacting me about them.
There was a fire.
I’m really good at
never leaving a trace of evidence, obviously.
The first things people usually notice about me
There's a large horn growing out of my forehead, which can't be photographed by cameras from this time period. Photo is a simulation. Contrary to popular conception, it's actually a tooth!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Satan, Hitler, Stalin, Anthony Burgess, Roald Dahl, Hunter S. Thompson, Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Kurt Vonnegut, Carl Sagan, George Orwell, George R. R. Martin, nonfiction, etc.

Better Off Dead, They Live, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, many many many more, see also: John Cusack, Bill Murray, Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, Kevin Spacey, etc. etc.

Sifl & Olly, Star Trek TNG, Doctor Who, X-Files, Black Books, Green Wing, Parks & Rec, The IT Crowd, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Sopranos, Unsolved Mysteries, a shitload of other masterpieces too, etc. etc. etc.

Too much music to list. So here's a list. Tom Waits, The Clash, Electric Light Orchestra, Elvis Perkins, Spoon, The Teeth, Purples, Man Man, Violent Femmes, Elvis Costello, The Cars, Pixies, Glen Hansard, Rilo Kiley, David Bowie, Queen, Beatles, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison, Chrissy Amphlett, Chris Isaak, Mirah, Desaparecidos, Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley, all things Tim Kasher, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Kitchen vixen. Cumin, smoked paprika, nutmeg, gluten, cheese. Breakfast food. Bald eagles. Parsley, zucchini, carnitas, curry, cinnamon. Your blood. Butter. Pets. Your mother's butt.

Earthbound! Tetris, Oblivion, Skyrim, Link's Awakening, Fallout 3, Fable 2 (shhh), really anything from Lionhead, Diddy Kong Racing, Donkey Kong Country 2, Link to the Past, Ocarina of Time, Dr. Mario, Secret of Mana, Illusion of Gaia, Starfox, all the Sims, Super Smash Bros., Mario Paint, Mario 64, Super Mario World, Aerobiz, and The Lawnmower Man. So many more. I'm very pale.

In no particular order, Patton Oswalt, Doug Benson, Mitch Hedberg, Eugene Mirman, Kumail Nanjiani, Ron Funches, Bill Hicks, George Carlin, Zach Galifianakis, Reggie Watts, Nick Offerman, Amy Poehler, Aziz Ansari, Brian Posehn, Paul F. Tompkins, David Cross, Donald Glover, Judah Friedlander, Craig Robinson, Jonah Ray, Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, John Oliver, Katt Williams, whatever. These are comedians.
Six things I could never do without
laser eyes, invisibility cloak, sandwiches, pens, lists, really old magazines, battleships, space, time, space/time, crackers, pixels, animals wearing costumes, animals wearing costumes of other animals specifically, mystic herbs, potions, Jane Child's hair, microwaves (not the appliance but the actual waves themselves, they're what's keeping me alive)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
On a typical Friday night I am
Shia LaBeouf
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
eyes, clap!
They're watching you, clap clap!
They see your evvvv-eryyyy moooove.
You should message me if
you are a ghost, goblin, or ghoul.
The two of us