31Seattle, United States
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My self-summary
Welcome to the best dang profile in this whole hellhole.

I was created in the 80s-- originally as a computer simulation-- by two unpopular teenage boys seeking social interaction with women. Entirely by accident, a winning combination of cutting edge Air Force technology and a freak electrical storm caused me to come to real-life fruition.
Needless to say, I have magic powers and a talking cat, but I could've sworn he was a dog at some point.

All of my pictures are at least five+ years old, and I refuse to bother updating them although now my nose is pierced. Did you know we all get old and ugly and slowly fall apart until we die? I love narwhals.

What I’m doing with my life
wanton abandon of sensible choices, writing prose and fiction, occasionally penning comedic articles, secret songwriting, proper leftist politics, drinking and smoking, marathons of entertainment, painting, other art, beating hordes of rats with nail-riddled sticks, absolutely crushing fools, cooking, and baking.

For cash, I am an assassin*-- currently pouring fine Scotch out of crystal bottles, in mahogany paneled offices, for very wealthy men who are smoking imported cigars; my eyes twinkle as I softly laugh, because I am a lady, and naturally I've just poisoned them.

Married, I'm serious.
Six (7?) kids, and always looking for more. So keep your doors and windows locked!

*I no longer train endangered albino cave newts to perform in the traveling circus. Please stop contacting me about them.
There was a fire.
I’m really good at
never leaving a trace of evidence, obviously.
The first things people usually notice about me
There's a large horn growing out of my forehead, which can't be photographed by cameras from this time period (photo is a simulation). Contrary to popular conception, it's actually a tooth!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Satan, Hitler, Stalin, Marx tho, Anthony Burgess, Roald Dahl, Hunter S. Thompson, Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Kurt Vonnegut, Carl Sagan, George Orwell, George R. R. Martin, all the old boys. And everyone else. All the writers. Books are good!

Movies are quite good too; there're special places in my little heart for Better Off Dead, They Live, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, for instance. But I must have a billion favorites. I wanted to be a director for a while, and have seen a whole lotta niche cinema.

TV, great. Among my all-time favorites is stuff like Sifl & Olly, Star Trek TNG, X-Files, Black Books, Green Wing, Parks & Rec, Always Sunny, The IT Crowd, Arrested Development, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Sopranos, Unsolved Mysteries, Spaced, pre-DM Doctor Who, all of the true crime; I dunno, a shitload of other masterpieces as well.

Way too much music to list. So here's a list. Tom Waits, The Clash, Electric Light Orchestra, Elvis Perkins, Spoon, The Teeth, Purples, Man Man, Violent Femmes, Elvis Costello, The Cars, Pixies, The Sonics, Link Wray, Glen Hansard, David Bowie, Queen, Beatles, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison, Mirah, Desaparecidos, Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley, all things Tim Kasher, etc. etc.

Kitchen vixen. I'm a fucking spice geek; I like flavor, heat, I like experimenting, I like culinary science, I kinda feel like brunch is holy. Oh, I'd eat bald eagles. Your blood. A fistful of butter. Pets. Your mother's butt.

Games: love. Let me rattle some off. Earthbound! Skyrim! Fallout 4! Tetris, Oblivion, Link's Awakening, Fallout 3, Fable 2 (shhh), really anything from Lionhead, Diddy Kong Racing, Donkey Kong Country 2, Link to the Past, Ocarina of Time, Dr. Mario, Secret of Mana, Illusion of Gaia, Starfox, Yoshi's Island, all the Sims, Super Smash Bros., Mario Paint, Mario 64, Super Mario World, guess what Aerobiz, and The Lawnmower Man. So many more. I'm very pale.

In no order, Bill Murray, Mitch Hedberg, Eugene Mirman, Doug Benson, Kumail Nanjiani, Ron Funches, Bill Hicks, George Carlin, Reggie Watts, Nick Offerman, Amy Poehler, Aziz Ansari, Brian Posehn, Paul F. Tompkins, David Cross, Louis C.K., Katt Williams, Patton Oswalt, Zach Galifianakis, whatever. These are comedians. I too tell jokes. I'm on twitter, but if your politics are garbage, don't even ask. :)
Six things I could never do without
laser eyes, invisibility cloak, sandwiches, pens, lists, really old magazines, decrepit books, long-term friendships, short-term battleships, space, time, space/time, crackers, pixels, animals wearing costumes, animals wearing costumes of other animals specifically, "mystic herbs," potions, book shops, record stores, thrifting, antiquing, anticapitalism, Jane Child's hair, just Chrissy Amphlett, microwaves (not the appliance but the actual waves themselves, they're what's keeping me alive)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
On a typical Friday night I am
Shia LaBeouf
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
eyes, clap!
They're watching you, clap clap!
They see your evvvv-eryyyy moooove.
You should message me if
you are a ghost, goblin, or ghoul.
The two of us