Preface: The rest won't be so short. Should the reader be desirous of an expurgated version of the proceedings, she has been afforded (parentheticals), subsequent to each diatribe, to serve as a brief summary of what has just been said.
(the gentleman is, vocationally speaking, no different than any other metropolitan denizen of his income bracket. He has no business sense and listened to Free To Be You and Me way too many goddam times to ever truly posess the proper attitude toward the rat race. But he's awfully talented.)
(The gentleman is an American classic.)
(The gentleman supposes that his reading list will give you insight into his soul. This may or may not be so. The gentleman has profound love of live theatre. Especially very dry live theatre. The gentleman is clearly a goddamned Marxist.)
I feel like I'm being long winded. Don't worry. I'll clam up in person.
(the gentleman, cognizant of the fact that he's beginning to sound pretentious, engages in a self deprecating aside.)
I love music more than anything else. So did Thomas Edison. When he went deaf he still played records and he would bite the console of his phonograph player and feel the musical vibrations with his teeth. I imagine I would do the same if I went deaf. I am most grateful that music, which moves me more deeply than anything on earth, is also not something that I have exceptional talent in and I am able to absorb it without too much of a critical ear. Lousy theatre can ruin my week. But without the critical facilities of a real musician, Kenny Rogers and Charles Mingus can share a crib in my heart. They both ooh ma koo. So does Fats Waller and Ween and Harry Nilsson and Carmen McRae and anything written by Kurt Weill (note the spelling). There is some unfettered horseshit that passes as music, true. And even my untrained ear knows tripe. But my sensibilities aren't as wounded by it as a musician's would be.
I have boxes and boxes of brilliant old albums I salvaged from junk shop basements. They're in a storage facility clear across the country waiting for me to make good and get a bigger apartment.
I love bad cover bands.
'Gethsemane', even when sung by Ted Nealy, makes me cry. And I'm an agnostic theist.
( The gentleman loves music more than his mother.)
That's not true.
(The gentleman is obviously not keen on playful hyperbole)
I recognized the hyperbole.
( Meanwhile, the gentleman can't just say 'I like all sorts of music'. He feels it's more apropos to write a treatise. No doubt he used thesaurus.com at least twice while writing this profile.)
What the fuck, man?
You're not helping me, here.
( You're right. I'm sorry. I got carried away. Ladies, the gentleman is very fond of music and, once again, theatre.')
Take the Money and Run, Sleeper, Crimes and Misdeameanors, Zelig, History of the World Part One, Young Frankenstein, Network, The Hospital, My Favorite Year, Lebowski, Eternal Sunshine, I Heart Huckabees, Adaptation, Idiocracy, Guys and Dolls, Streetcar Named Desire, Vanya on 42nd Street, Goodfellas, Little Murders, A Face in the Crowd, Joe Versus the Volcano, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, The Odd Couple, Glengarry Glen Ross, 12 Angry Men, Ed Wood, An Education, West Side Story, The Jerk, Groundhog Day, Stranger Than Fiction, Punch Drunk Love, ….
( Recognize...Joe Versus the Volcano)
Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Stewart, Colbert, Six Feet Under, Slings and Arrows, Dead Like Me, Webster
( The gentleman doesn't watch much TV. But not for high and mighty reasons. Webster? Random.)
Uneasily dependent on bi weekly sessions of WTF with Marc Maron. In fact, let's talk about comedians because I think they should be in charge of the world. If we'd elected Sid Caesar instead of Harry Truman, man, this would be a much better world. That opportunity has passed us by. But I think we can reverse the ramifications of our grandparents' lack of clarity with President Dana Gould and his cabinet, Secretaries of: State (Steve Martin), Energy (Louis CK), Education (Emo Phillips), Defense (Eddie Pepitone)...suggestions? We need to get on it.
( The gentleman likes funny people. Wanted to be a stand up when he was nine but unfortunately he's a coward.)
Food: I was brussels sprouts when brussels sprouts weren't cool. I also enjoy a ribeye--
( if the gentleman doesn't mind.)
( the gentleman's diet isn't all that interesting.)
I have very refined tastes!
( For a goat, maybe. You eat anything.)
(Well, you don't eat mushrooms and doughnuts--)
And imitation crab meat! I won't eat at imitation crab meat.
( So the gentleman has some scruples.)
You know what, parentheticals? I think I've got it from here.
( we can't leave the gentleman to his own devices. He's liable to go on all night.)
No, seriously. I feel like you're trying to sabotage me.
(don't be silly.)
Who sent you? Tell me!
( Calm down.)
Don't tell me to calm down! You're ruining my profile! Please go away.
( The gentleman has made a big mistake by embarrassing the parentheticals publicly.)