42Montreal, Canada
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My self-summary
There's lots of Myers-Briggs on this site, so for those who care, I'm a classic F.U.C.K., though some people insist that I'm more of a D.I.C.K.

Do you actually trust peoples' self descriptions?

I've noticed that in general (in life, not just in online dating) people's level of self-awareness is abysmal; you meet someone who describes themselves as "spiritual" and "laid back" and they're high strung and intolerant but violently do a lot of yoga in order to keep themselves from gunning down all their co-workers. I remember a good friend of mine telling me once that she was a "laid back, chill, take things as they come kind of person", and then within 30 seconds telling me that she's a "go go go never sit down for a moment, always on the move kind of person"... No, I think you're the kind of person who has no idea what kind of person you are... like most of us.

How much more valuable would it be to have our friends and family and exes describe us... I would *love* to see a site where every statement you make is tempered by two or three from people who have actually experienced you in the world outside your own head.

Also, you can probably figure out what I'm like from reading this, without me describing myself...
What I’m doing with my life
Starting my career as a lawyer, because being a lawyer is the most logical way to support my artist lifestyle. I spend a lot of my free time in the summer watching trials. I wish they let you bring popcorn. Any law TV show that isn't a comedy is just a pack of lies.

Before I started law school I was working on making people uncomfortable on stage for fun (i.e. "comedy"). Since starting school I'm not funny anymore, so in order to maintain sanity I started a party band called *69.

Made two movies, one a doc about Wesley Willis (a popular underground musician who was schizophrenic), the latest one takes place two weeks in the future when it's a new season every day from climate change, there are no corporate regulations, all kids have diabetes and the main character is a musician who has to get a job for the first time in his life because the big record labels bought all the rhythms.

I recently finished up a masters degree by accident which I had earlier dropped out of because grad school is an abuse farm whose main purpose is to destroy your mind and make you into a self-hating gibberish spouting irrelevant masochist. The thesis was on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
I’m really good at
Inadvertently offending people.

Advertently offending people.
The first things people usually notice about me
that I photoshopped my junk out of my profile photo... It originally took up the bottom two thirds of the picture.

Also, the Darth Vader theme fills a room whenever I enter it for the first time
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
FOOD: Reading OKCupid profiles makes me want to open a restaurant called "Just Gluten and Meat from Dogs and Cats"
I spend a lot of time thinking about
whether or not the astonishing number of OKC photos of people making out with their animals signifies that beastiality is the new thing (tumblr forthcoming).

How come there are more people on here who have photos of themselves jumping out of airplanes than who don't have pictures of themselves jumping out of airplanes??

"Wheee, look at me - I'm jumping out of an airplaine, and I'm *still* boring!"

Other recurring profile themes:

"oooh, here's me managing to seem boring while doing yoga in Bali against a breathtaking sunset backdrop!"

"Here's me with orphans in a village in Ghana! They all look sad because I'm boring them to death! Note how everyone's clothes are full of dust and dirt, and mine are sparkling white, like the teeth gleaming out of my oblivious smile!"

(they need to make an iphone app for dating sites that puts your face on photos of skydiving and next to African orphans)

"I'm in a deeply committed relationship with my primary partner, the sweet, sexy ZZZdullbor69, in addition to two other boyfriends and three girlfriends, and I'm on here looking for more in order to complete our polyamorous pentagon or hexagon pod - although you'd think having sex and affection should be my full time job, my OKC psych questions indicate that I don't like affection, I don't cuddle, I don't like sleeping next to my partner(s) and I ideally want to have sex only once a week"

"hold it right there! before you dare try and contact me, let me tell you right now that like 75% of people on here, I have a non-standard gender identity and sexual orientation which I'm dead serious about - so serious that I'm going to spend my entire profile talking about it because I have no real identity and nothing else to say!"

"Closed-minded people, refrain from messaging me - body positive, sex positive, vegan, gluten-free, polyamorous, gender-fluid, cis-queer, post-racial, pansexual, INTJ, anarcho-syndicalist, tattoed, atheist saggitarians with stretched ears who meditate frequently and don't drive cars ONLY need apply"

"My dog/cat is in every single photo with me - I'm smiling gleefully and squeezing the shit out ot him/her and making out with her/him, while s/he has no clue what's going on, except that s/he's mildly annoyed that I'm oblivious to his/her state of mind and just need to smother something to death - this is a perfect metaphor for our future relationship! that is to say if I can ever stop molesting my dog long enough to pay any attention to you"

(Me: "how come a good natured easygoing guy like me is still single?")

N.B. I don't automatically hate you if you have photos with African orphans or if you're polyamorous with four partners; it's just that there is so much self-contradicting nonsense on here, and a lot of these same contradictions and tropes pop up in every 3rd profile, and it's genuinely traumatizing to me... I'm a very sensitive asshole.

*true story*:

there's a big snowstorm today (february), and there's only a narrow trail on the sidewalk where one person can pass at a time - why am I the only person who gets out of the way so that the other person can pass? After a while, I started playing "chicken" to see if the other person would be the one to move, but it's like it doesn't even occur to them; men, women, young, old, they don't flinch, like zombies!

I don't mind being courteous, but what's going on with people? If I don't move will I end up bodychecking these barnyard animals out of my way?


A few days after posting that story a woman on OKC writes to me:
"Just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one getting out of people's way on a narrow path, I'm the other one. And I decided to play " chicken" once and what do you think? A young guy didn't even flinch, "body checked" me off the sidewalk. Just continue doing what you're doing, someone should (besides me)."

(I didn't tell her it was me...)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm not actually an asshole in real life (I think - ask my friends and exes to be sure).

I recognize that the amount of (albeit brilliant) energy I put into making fun of everyone's profiles probably says more about me than about them...

Also, if I'm being honest, I'd admit that if there was only one profile of a woman with photos of her jumping out of planes, doing yoga on mountains, chilling at an orphanage, riding elephants, and lavishing affection on her dog, instead of every 3rd profile I'd probably think she was the most awesome person ever, and I'd write to her immediately
You should message me if
you liked reading this and you like my photos. Duh.

That's about it, I like meeting people, though honestly, I don't really do it much via this site anymore.
The two of us