Don't take this too seriously.
Reasons to date me:
3. No limp
I give twerking lessons.
I will note that Chrome's spellcheck doesn't recognize "twerking" as a word. Or "spellcheck". Maybe I should switch it back to English.
bragging about myself on the Internet
celling. And by that I mean that I am a cellist. Like I've played the cello for 15 years. I'm pretty alright. Swoon at my feet.
not practicing my cello at all anymore and using that confession as an excuse to avoid showcasing my quickly-fading abilities.
not giving a fcuk.
not giving a chainsaw.
using moderately obscure references and assuming no one will be confused by them.
using gargantuan words and stuff so i seem more smarter
coming across as a total douchecruiser.
being a total douchecruiser.
creating derogatory terms such as 'douchecruiser'.
suing people for copyright infringement when they use the word 'douchecruiser' without my permission, because I'm poor.
being the douchecruiser incarnate.
sad attempts at self-deprecating humor.
mediocre attempts at self-referential humor.
referencing the fact that I have utilized self-referential humor.
deluding myself into thinking I am clever.
Skymall, Goodnight Moon, my own autobiography
Really introspective art house films, like Super Troopers and Backdoor Sluts 8 (not 9, 9 went off in a weird direction and was clearly a last ditch attempt at a money maker for the franchise)
The Eric Andre Show
Da Ali G Show
House Of Cards
Nathan For You
The Chaser's War on Everything
Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job
Lots of metal, jazz fusion, classical, electronic, and the sound of small children screaming in pain
The only things I would never willingly eat again are sour cream, human flesh, and stillborns.
most of my non-vestigial bodily organs
I took that question literally. And that was not the function of the query. I'm honestly unsure why I don't have my own show on Comedy Central by now.
Also, and more importantly, if you're capable of independent thought.