jmzq
34Berkeley, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
jmzq
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I'm in a stable polyamorous family-like relationship with TenThousandFeet. I understand that unicorn hunters are common and vexing, so I will say explicitly that I'm not looking for a triad. Also, neither of us is new to non-monogamy, and we practice lots of introspection and communication around needs, with each other and other partners. We discuss our needs with each other, and do not have power over each other's other relationships.

I think my guiding principles are kindness, long-term thinking, and understanding to the best of my ability what others' experiences are like and trying to subvert the harm they're doing or the harm I realize I'm doing. I engage in conspicuous non-consumption. I am not a fan of either masculinity or femininity. I live on stolen land but at least Berkeley rent control keeps me from needing to fight too hard with other settlers?

Also very important: I know it's difficult for women to feel safe in hetero dating. I care a great deal about countering rape culture. There are ways I'm still guilty of perpetuating it. How can we healthily express desire with all that surrounding baggage? How do we break out of a cycle of hetero men being socialized to be totally uncritical about pursuing satisfaction of their desires, and women being socialized to be similarly uncritical about going along with it? Getting meta, I read the brilliant thing about Beavis by AlanaMassey@Medium that starts by observing that feminist cred is becoming sexual currency for men, like "wokeness plumage". So how do I convey the level of investment I have in others' safety and needs? I may even be less invested than I think; that's the subtlest and darnedest difficulty. I will leave it at that I'm anguished at the general fucked-up-ness of communication in hetero courtship, and I've never known how to deal with it.
What I’m doing with my life
Changing it, maybe. So far, convincing people in power to pay me enough money to stay alive while not seeming to do anything directly evil. Current major mental health project is either making peace with that or finding work that actually seems to help the world according to my values.

Making things solar-powered.

Volunteering as a peer counselor and training others to do the same, as a simple effort to mitigate the painful parts of the human experience, which I want to do more of.

As you might have guessed, being an intersectional feminist killjoy, which for a white cis het male-presenting person generally means keeping my mouth shut and believing others about their own life experiences, or schooling other men and white people who're failing to do same. It's shockingly simple in principle and complicated to live up to in practice.

I bike for transportation as the cheapest workaround for car culture even though I can barely stand the mortal danger and the casual malevolence behind it. I also spend a lot of time at climbing gyms. Sometimes I run, and feel awesome. These have proven to be necessary self-care methods so far... there's a directionless angry energy, and until I find a way to spend more of my waking hours making the world better, it's best put into running and climbing.
I’m really good at
Too many things, and rarely the right ones for this situation. Anything spatial or logical. Also, communication and nurturing (working hard in the past few years on doing this for myself). Troubleshooting anything. Making anything. Doing nothing.

A few interfaces ago there was a Personality tab with a huge slab of blue at the top marking me as "More Sex-Driven". That might be the case if I were more charming and confident and uncritically accepted misogynistic norms of hetero courtship, but in reality...
The first things people usually notice about me
include that I'm being a wallflower, most likely. Otherwise, shorter than average white guy with longer than average mane, wearing nothing noteworthy. Someday I'll decide how to take up space in the world and create a style.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm going to leave it at "any of the above that offers enough intricacy or insight into the human condition to be interesting".

I'm quite the fan of silence, I don't know much about culture beyond discussions I follow on twitter/fb*, and I glaze over if I try to read this section.

*I gotta change this, though - my book reading has been displaced by internet reading**, and for example I'm kinda ashamed at never having read Rebecca Solnit's books despite how deeply I appreciate her facebook posts.

**I think this was once known as "internet addiction".
Six things I could never do without
I have shown a lot of fucking adaptability (<-- Neal Stephenson reference here; at some point I at least absorbed a bit of excitable-nerd-fantasy culture) in my life, and I'm pretty sure I could deal with material deprivation up until it killed me (sigh). But awesome things I appreciate include:
- Indoor plumbing and heating
- Very dark chocolate
- Funny people
- Cuddly people
- My cats.
- Sunshine
- Forests
- Information
- More chocolate (fair-trade, please, and I really hope that actually means something)
- That elusive sense of the world being okay
- Oh, and a bicycle , how could I leave that off...
- A drill, circular saw, soldering iron, and set of basic hand tools are pretty critical too.
- And I just learned how to weld steel! So many possibilities.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The operational status of elevators on the BART system. (I am glad they announce this!)

Anything that I find uncomfortable to think about; I make it a point to identify why.

Algorithms and electricity.

Privilege, power, oppression, the goddamn kyriarchy, how to most effectively subvert the refusal of comfortable folks to see it, and how to help vulnerable people feel more safe. How to help myself feel more safe.

How to be a better peer counselor, and how to advocate for deliberate maintenance of mental health.

How designs of human-made objects and environments evolved, and how totally sensible design processes can result in perplexing things becoming standardized and immortal. How to engage in a kind and productive way with beliefs of others that I see as destructive - there's some need those beliefs meet. Anything other than the looming endgame of a culture based on the assumption of unlimited resources. What time it is, which I can never keep track of. And sex, but I would never say that in an OkCupid profile as a cis-dude mostly interested in women. Whether and how a straight man can be sexual while not being masculine.

All the benefits of and barriers to cooperative housing, the USA's weird real estate fetish, and colonial racist anxiety. (Please let me know if you're aware of a co-op of teetotalling introverted killjoys, or would like to start one. It'll be the funnest place in town!)

I just spend a lot of time thinking.
On a typical Friday night I am
hopefully cuddling with beloved human(s) or cat(s).
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Have you read the rest of this profile? I stopped being interested in meeting people who aren't interested in knowing and examining the damage done to human existence by living in a world of power struggles.

Beyond what you've already read, I don't know, how judgmental are you?

My transcendentalism is being crazy about people in general and in awe of the depth of complexity and potential of human beings.

I wish I had time to read all the interesting things and know all the ways I see the world lacking and decide what the best version of myself could be and how best to move that way and plan on how to best use my energy to make the world less lacking and then have it still be morning today with a lifetime ahead of me to act on it.
More
The two of us
--
Dating
--
Lifestyle
--
Sex
--
Other
--
Ethics
--
Religion