I spend most of my free time performing stand up comedy. Otherwise I do a lot of hiphop dance, training for marathons, and going to see live music shows.
I don't like filling out these profiles so the rest of my profile is just some of my favorite standup comedy bits:
Now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize it teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people, and label people. That's right. They have a character on there named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face: "Oscar you are so mean, isn't he kids?" "Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's like, "Bitch I live in a fucking trashcan! I'm the poorest motherfucker on sesame street! Nobody's helping me." And they wonder why the kids grow up and step over homeless people. "Get it together grouch, get a job grouch."
I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me
to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is AKA a hallway. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house. Sir you have one of my bedrooms.
And everybody's talking about gun control, got to get rid of the guns.
Fuck that. l like guns. You got a gun, you don't have to work out. l ain't working out. l ain't jogging.
You don't need no gun control. You know what you need?
We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets,
that's right. l think all bullets should cost $ 5000. $ 5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $ 5000 there'd be no more innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something. ''Shit, they put $ 50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.''
Then they tell you about the pain-relieving ingredient, that's my
other favorite part of the commercial. It's always "extra-strength...!". There is no more "strength" any more. You can't even get "strength". "Strength" is off the market. It's all "extra-strength". Some people aren't satisfied with "extra", they want "maximum" Give the maximum allowable human dosage! That's the kind o' pain I'm in! Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit".
And why does that pharmacist have to be 2 and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out everybody, I'm working with pills up here. I can't be down on the floor with you people! I'm taking pills from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle! And then I gotta type out on a little piece of paper.
I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwords been “I’m glad I ate that.” I’m always like “I’m going to die!” “I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face?” “My back hurts.”
Never really see that on a menu when you go out to dinner. “You know, let’s see. I’ll have the Caesar salad and a Hot Pocket.” “Uh, tonight’s special is, we have a sea bass which is broiled and we have a Hot Pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave.” “And that comes with a side of Pepto.”
“Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle?” “It’s frozen.”
“But it can be served boiling lava hot.” “Will it burn my mouth?”
“It’ll destroy your mouth.” “Everything will taste like rubber for a month.”
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to
eat meat but still would like diarrhea. It should just come with a roll of toilet paper.
Don't send horses to perform medical procedures, course they couldn't put him together again - it's obvious they haven't got the dexterity, obvious. I wouldn't of sent them in the first place. Don't experiment, they can't even scrub up, they can't - they don't even have thumbs, let alone aposable thumbs! They couldn't sew to save their life. If i had to design a perfect egg crushing device it would be a hoof! It doesn't matter if they're kings horses or Steptoe's horses - all the King's horses.....certainly don't send ALL OF THEM! It's gonna be chaos - what if we had been invaded by France that day?
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over,
I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you
won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact
specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!"
Doctor always wants you to take your pants off, "take your pants off and get in there ! I'll speak to you with no pants. You take your pants off and then I'll tell you what I think about everything. I speak to no one wearing pants". It's a little psychological leverage for him ! In any difference of opinion, "pants" always beats "no pants". Just once I'd like to say to that doctor "you know what, I'm not ready for you yet ! Yeah, why don't you go back into your little office, I'll be in it in a minute. And get your pants off too".
When l was a kid, we didn't have no insurance. We didn't have a damn thing. You had to be damn near dead to see the doctor. You had to be way past Robitussin. That's all we had when l was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. Daddy, l got asthma. Robitussin. l got cancer. Robitussin. l broke my leg, Daddy poured Robitussin on it. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone. lt's good. lf you run out of 'tussin, put some water in the jar, shake it up, more 'tussin.