lilyfish
30 Lancaster, United States
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lilyfish
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My self-summary
i am a person, with a body and a head. i like stuff. also things.

PLEASE STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES THAT JUST SAY "HI," or "you're pretty," "what's up," "message me back so we can talk more" etc etc. i don't know what to say to that, and it doesn't exactly lead to scintillating conversation. i am not going to struggle to make conversation with someone who's giving me nothing to work with, it bores the shit out of me. if i sound like a bitch, okay, i don't care. i'm lonely and i'm broken; don't mistake that for desperation or a willingness to 'settle'. i long for AUTHENTIC connection. i'm tweaking this paragraph a bit because i don't want to seem completely unapproachable ... but please, have something to say -- something real, that is longer than one sentence -- even if you just have similar taste in movies/music/etc, you're a fellow spoonie (chronic illness sufferer), another lonely queer, or whatever else.

moving on:
i'm disabled and often use a walking aid when out and about; i've been dumped by a physical therapist and neurosurgeon, and have an upcoming consult with another neurosurgeon. i'm mentally ill. i'm queer. i'm a single parent. i long deeply for authentic connection to another human being, but don't know how on earth to get it. i'm thisclose to asexual, with rare bursts of libido, so i am not the one to contact for a hook-up.

i was already reeling from the shock of serious betrayal in my last relationship, and then i found out in late september that an ex of mine, who'd been in and out of my life for almost 9 years (and who, incidentally, i met on this site), died unexpectedly. our relationship was intense and tumultuous, the feelings we had for each other in conflict with our actual compatibility, the timing often poor, and our last words to each other were not kind. i had even thought about reaching out to him a couple of months before he died, but for whatever reason, i hesitated -- and i have to live with that for the rest of my life, but i can't for the life of me figure out how. i am completely fucked up over it, to an extent that honestly shocked me, and have toyed with the idea of stepping back from this site altogether, but i have some ancient messages on him from here. right now, i am just slogging through the days until sleep transports me outside of my pain for a few precious hours; hopefully, one of these days, i will wake up and feel happy.

basically, i am DAMAGED GOODS in every sense of the word. if you want something effortless and easy, something superficial or something that only meets your primal needs, LOOK ELSEWHERE.

but hey. pop surrealist art. quirky comics. makeup! the tireless pursuit of being dapper af. pervasive sleep deprivation. coffee. long chats around bonfires. social justice. chasing pennies in my online work. cooking. swimming holes, in nicer weather. chainsmoking on my porch whenever i'm not desperately trying to fuck up as little as possible as a mom.
What I’m doing with my life
beats me.

i am a fulltime breadwinner and fulltime parent, working online about 10 hours a day on top of staying at home with my kids ... so i'm generally pretty overwhelmed.
I’m really good at
gentle touch, cooking, typing, proofreading, not sleeping, being maudlin
The first things people usually notice about me
i don't really know, but i will say people are shocked when i tell them that i am shy. i guess it's just that initial 'hello' that's so difficult for me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
humm. i'm particularly fond of tom robbins, jonathan carroll, john irving, robert heinlein, neil gaiman, barbara kingsolver; but i also loved the hunger games trilogy, the girl who ... trilogy, godslayer/banewreaker - a duo by jacqueline carey, chew, transmetropolitan, the invisibles, anything ed phillips & sean brubaker have done, ad tons of other stuff.

when it comes to non-fiction, mary roach, mark derr, and dr. sears are some of my favorites. also - maxime schwarz's "how the cows went mad," lt. col. dave grossman's "on killing: the psychological cost of learning to kill in war and society"; and "ghosts from the nursery: tracing the roots of violence" by robin karr-morse.

pan's labyrinth, four rooms, dead alive, noises off!, the in-laws, club dread, cabin in the woods, clue, dr. horrible's singalong blog, the emperor's new groove (shut up), etc.

shows ... sherlock, dexter, superjail!, squidbillies, doctor who, firefly, arrested development, it's always sunny in philadelphia, portlandia, supernatural, the increasingly poor decisions of todd margaret, home movies, whitest kids you know (hit or miss tho), mr show, ... etc.

music ... omg, really? too much. there are still genres i haven't been exposed to but i love music. fanfare ciocarlia, marchfourth marching band, and mclusky are my very very favorite bands, followed closely by future of the left. ummm. atmosphere, asylum street spankers, crooked still, sepultura, black keys, no means no, big black, blue highway, immortal technique... lots of stuff, i dunno!

i love food. all of it. indian, mexican, spanish, thai, ethiopian, vietnamese, the list goes on. as long as it's not an internal organ ... or bleu cheese (blech).

adding one for my own amusement, artists: jennybird alcantra, fuco ueda, greg simkins, caitlin hackett, edwin ushiro, michael hussar, so youn lee, madeline von foerster, amy sol, tara mcpherson, jean-pierre roy, trustocorp, camilla d'errico, josh keyes, bradley kunkle
The six things I could never do without
my children, warm sunlight on my skin (not for more than one winter, anyway), touch/closeness, pets, books, good people in my life.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
the future and how to make it an amazing one for my progeny.
On a typical Friday night I am
at home.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i don't mind being the only adult in the house, but fall asleep watching tv every night because the sound of conversation is comforting.
You should message me if
you enjoyed reading this, and think we would get along.

you're willing to let me cut you. i am not kidding, and i do follow common sense safety protocols and only use sterile single use scalpels.

you want to talk about life, the universe, and everything.

you love high energy brass music, especially Balkan brass music, and want to go to M4 or fanfare ciocarlia shows with me for awkward dancing.

you have zero expectations. and no, that is not code for "you want NSA sex." not interested. if that's what you're looking for, please go away.
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