29Round Rock, United States
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My self-summary
Adulting sucks, please send help.
What I’m doing with my life
Making money and spending it and then making more money and spending it and then making more money and spending it and making some more money and spending it and every time I save up some money, life goes nope and an emergency happens and my savings go poof so I gotta make more money and it's a never ending cycle of making money and spending it. I think my purpose in life is to make money so I can spend it. It's not what I want, but it's what I am bound to. Eventually the money making will have to exceed the spending because life can't suck this much for this long, can it?
I’m really good at
Turning girls off. I am a cereal friendzone dweller. All my female friends insist I'm a catch yet I don't see any of them bending over to take this chinese sausage. Just kidding I don't have any female friends. Or do I? Have you ever looked at a guy and said to yourself "gee I would really love to have his dick inside me"? No? Same here. Now that we have something in common, can I interest you in some chinese sausage? It's not too big, and not too small. Packs some good flavor and goes well with almost everything. I like to always have a packet of them in the fridge for a rainy day to go with some white rice and pork sung mmmmm. Fuck now I'm hungry.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Who gives a fuck. Seriously. This section makes me feel like I'm back in kindergarten getting asked what my favorite dinosaur is. It's a velociraptor. Perfect balance of sleek physique and vicious weaponry. Could do without the high pitched screeching though. Maybe Hollywood should rethink what cool dinosaurs sound like. Pretty sure all the dead velociraptors are rolling around in their graves like "why the fuck they make us sound like dying chalkboards being assaulted by a strong independent woman's nails". In case you were wondering how I sound when I cum, now you know.
Six things I could never do without
Moms spaghetti.
On my sweater already.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
All the babies I've killed with my left hand. Kill count has got to be in the millions. Is there like a life achievement I can unlock with this. "congratulations, you've killed 900 million potential human lives, here's your gluten free, sugar free, wheat free, hormone free, GMO free, carcinogen free cookie." Thanks guys I was really looking forward to this brick of paste, hope it tastes like all my hopes and dreams. Yep, it tastes like ash. mmmm derishous.
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing whatever the fuck I please. Everything is awesome. Perk of being a grown ass adult single male. I guess I must be tired of so much freedom since I'm on this dating website once agayn looking for a female companion who will insist that I go out with her and her friends on Friday night and spend my money on her and her friends and get made fun of by her and her friends 'oh my god i heard he has a tiny dick why are you dating him'. I'm really starting to second guess this decision now. Loneliness is a bitch, if only I could fuck her it wouldn't be so bad.
You should message me if
You made it past all of the above without getting offended and realize that satire is a form of writing... which I suck at so don't judge me too hard k. I just wanna have some goddamn estrogen back in my life. I prob won't even know what to do if I saw a vagina again. If we bang and I stare at your vagina like it's the maze in the Shining, please bear with me and just ... like direct me where to go. I should be able to take it from there. It's like riding a bike right? you never really forget, just need to warm up and just... dive in there. Head first.
The two of us