masturdator
31 Chicago, United States
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masturdator
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My self-summary
I want to first note that this is a terrible thing to ask someone to write and I am principally opposed to it in every way.

I...enjoy stuff and things. I am a person and a guy who is here.

People seem to like posting their MBTI type on here, so I'm INTP. This is rare which means it's good.
What I’m doing with my life
I strut about in fancy tasseled loafers and crisply ironed shirts and do a very convincing impression of a responsible adult.

When I'm not doing that....I do other things. I enjoy eating and drinking excessively. I watch and/or do things that entertain me, like writing vague statements about myself on the internet so that I can be evaluated by strangers. Stuff like that.
I’m really good at
Taking ownership. Having fun with it. Improving things. Precision. Making terrible jokes. Knowing when to shut up. I'm pretty sure I'm an excellent driver. I'm an asshole to cabs on purpose, because karma. Opening champagne without letting it pop. Burning stuff on a grill. Stealing things off the internet.

I'm good at....going to restaurants and ordering too many indulgent things. Is that a skill? I'm also good at golf. I have also recently attempted to learn French but that didn't go very far.

I excel at allocating space efficiently on public transit. This is part of a larger skillset I think of as being a considerate and reliable human. I'm pretty good at whipping up a cocktail as well (or, just pouring whiskey in a glass) but nowhere compared to people who actually get paid to do this. I am probably pretty good at making you laugh. I like to think I'm good in the kitchen, but really I've just eaten enough delicious food at various restaurants to do an impression of someone with actual skills. I have a keen eye for...stuff. I'd be a good detective.
The first things people usually notice about me
Symmetry, I hope? My height coupled with my lanky yet broad-shouldered build. A calming presence. Probably my hair. It causes people to assume I'm in a band. Dressed...respectably, usually? I have a lot of clothes for a guy. I have nice shoes. Rugged good looks and rapist wit. Testosterone-laden natural musk.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
So much music. Lardfingers, here's how I broke it, tempest dusseldorf, ending sadly, christmas for lovers, slapping eastward, arctic handjob, the jong un trio, jerusalem artichoke, hungry manfish, buttnectar, touching the baby, the nursing brandos, love with eggs, panamanian jihad...stuff like that.

OK I made all those up. I like stuff and things. We can save the specifics until we need them.

Media - yes. It is good. I like Breaking Bad and the Wire and blah de blah and probably anything with Liam Neeson and I get most of my news from John Oliver and Colbert. Games? Yes, also games. All manner of games - board games, videogames, sure. Music is also good.

Food? Yes, also good. Raw seafood or places with ampersands in the name or tacos or whatever. I will judge you hard if you think Michelin stars have something to do with tires.

Books...maybe? The internet has sort of ruined reading for me. When I do read something, I usually pick up some old 'classic' that I've heard referenced many times over but have never read. I have cultural catching-up to do here.

The Onion is basically my inner monologue, on a particularly good day.
The six things I could never do without
Stupid / hilarious things on the internet
Contact lenses
Other humans I can stand
Hot showers
Access to information
Tasty beer
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Is my pervy pun of a username turning people off? I think it's a good filter. Why is everyone walking so slow? Do we have no where to go or do we just not want to be there? What is in the fridge that I can just grab and put in my face and stop being hungry and go back to whatever I was doing? Is it pizza? Oh good its pizza. Why did I just get up and walk into this room?

Why so many girls on here have usernames ending with '_taco'....seriously, what is that. That's like if I made my name "somedude_sausage".
UPDATE: Someone explained this to me in a message....I am very disappointed in you ladies.

Why preferences in food are important enough to me that I judge someone when they neglect to fill out the 'diet' part of their profile. How can you NOT have an opinion?! At least put 'Anything'. I hate you.

I peoplewatch a lot...people are constantly doing stuff that is funny and/or hard to explain. Example: About half the people I see wearing a nice dressy style winter coat never bothered to undo that little piece of stitching that holds the tails of the coat together at the bottom. I bet their pockets are still sewn shut too. They probably just think this is how it is when you buy nice clothing. Pockets are for people with no class. I haven't come up with a good way to do anything about this...approaching people on the train with a smile and a tiny pair of scissors does not work.
On a typical Friday night I am
Probably at home catching up on all the stuff I neglected throughout the week. I might be wishing I was out doing something interesting buuuuut I'm really comfortable here ok?
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I might have more shoes than you
You should message me if
You've got something interesting to say or a good joke to make. You are intelligent, attractive, and funny. You know - like perfect in every way n stuff. You want to drink whiskey and argue about things. You want to drink whiskey and make awful jokes at each other's expense. You want to drink whiskey. You have grandiose plans and ambitions. These things are a good start.
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