40Decatur, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I am the girl your mother never told you about as a child because she didn't want to scare the bejesus out of you. I find that the rest of my profile is best read in a Christopher Walken voice.

I am pretending to write something here since nobody actually reads this after they see the picture only to continue onto writing tard-o-licious emails. I am pretty well-educated, some say witty, and will use that to make fun of any retarded email www.27bslash6.com style. Though souls are tasty, I am not here looking for my "Soul Mate" which really means 'someone you marry though you hate them but feel you need to get married' because everyone must get married after 25 or be decapitated by their mother. I do however believe in chemistry. Especially when I inject you with my neurotoxin so you can't fight back and then i can lay my eggs down your throat and turn you into a man slurpee......oh whoops, i mean then we can go for a long walk on the beach after a candle-lit dinner.

I am not looking for random sex with someone. No matter how much your mother tells you how sexy you are, I am not going to meet you for cheap crappy sex! I am just looking for interesting and fun people in general. Must make me laugh, be educated, take care of themselves and enjoy life.

As a succubus, I like younger or older souls and am an Equal Opportunity Soul Feeder. In this economic climate, there is no room for age discrimination, mens souls in general are tasty regardless of age, race, religion, preference etc.

I notice an abundance or girls and guys have ascii art on their profile like this is some sort of geocities myspace page that a 15 year old is making. Seriously guys stop it.

*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*: .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*ASCII ART IS GAY:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~ .:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~

working out, sarcasm, humor, jackassery, outdoor sports and camping, cross training, biomechanics, crossfit, genetics, science, kinesiology, dietetics, physiology, sociology

I am creepy and kooky, mysterious, and spooky
What I’m doing with my life
I am a developer. I develop things....inside your mom.
I’m really good at
Crushing souls.....when I am not feeding on them. They are delicious but if you put too much horse radish on them they will punish your bowels.
The first things people usually notice about me
What a cute little jackass I am! Everyone also notices I look really familiar like they have seen me on tv....I may or may not be on americas most wanted.

I would mention body parts that are noticed first, but lets face it body parts are best for stew.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Fight Club, Snatch, American Psycho, Army of Darkness Boondock Saints, True Romance, Raising Arizona, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Smokin Aces, Shaun of the Dead, Big Lebowski, Holy Grail, Princess Bride, Mike and Hank, Space Balls, Memento, Office Space, Airplane, Zoolander, Blazing Saddles, Singing in the Rain, Big Trouble in Little China, Cool Hand Luke, Dogma, The Three Amigos, Groundhog day, In Bruges, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Man Bites Dog, Reservior Dogs, This is Spinal Tap, Four Rooms, Dr Strangelove, Life of Brian, Clerks, Secretary, Sweeny Todd, O Brother Where Art Thou, Juno, Big Nothing, RocknRolla, Layer Cake, Fido, Zombie Strippers...I am team Cap since his movies get better as they progress, unlike Iron Man. Seriously, who made Iron Man 3? DC?

Music that is on my ipod that I have not updated since the days of napster: beasty boys, beck, crystal method, daft punk, dashboard confession, daughtry, dead kennedys, deathcab 4 cutie, disturbed, eva cassidy, fatboy slim, feist, filter, flaming lips, frank sinatra, goldfrapp, gorillaz, incubus, indie/punk various artists, jimmy eats world, joss stone, massive attack, michael buble, various movie scores, muse, nin, norah jones, pavement, panic at the disco, pantera, plumb, prodigy, queen, radiohead, rage against the machine, ramones, renee olstead, royksopp, sex pistols, strokes, teisto, tori amos, the fray, the hives, the killers, the verve, the vines, velvet revolver, weezer, white zombie, whitestripes,within temptation, yeahyeahyeahs, Some classical music is among my favorite as well as lounge and bigband music.

Books: I like all sorts of genres, Neil Gaiman's Sandman is my favorite comic of all time. I also like American Gods. I grew up on Uncanny Xmen, Frank Miller's Dark Knight, Blade, Preacher, Hellblazer, Spawn.....I also like Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchet, Chuck Palahnuik, Christopher Moore, Hunter S Thompson, Chuck Bukowski, Kurt Vonnegut, Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, HP Lovecraft, Steinbeck, Heller, Chomsky, Asimov, Heinlien, China Mieville, Robert Greene, Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris

Food: Anything healthy and gourmet
Six things I could never do without
Your mom, facebook, my boobs, shame and desperation, bail money, plan b
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Once my uncle told me he went to a slaughter house, punched a horse in the head knocking it out, used a pencil to puncture its neck, filled a cup of its blood then drank it, then fainted and when he came too, he said he saw the devil. Old people are really weird.
On a typical Friday night I am
Making the baby jesus cry
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Nothing is private nor sacred, not even the pornographic midget figments in my head.

I earned the moniker Captain AssRape
You should message me if
Well let us start with the first email...
Warning: Contains noxious amounts of sarcasm. If you are of a dimwitted nature or a retard please use care when reading this profile. Do not operate heavy machinery nor place near an open flame as contents are highly flammable. May have unsavory side effects of ego crushing, blatant name calling and spontaneous abortions. Void where prohibited.

* Please spell things CLOSE to how they sound in the English
language. The use of letters and numbers as words should be
reserved for 15 year old cheerleaders in a pregnancy pact.

* No I don't want to have sex with you and your husband/girlfriend/submissive/mom/your dog buttons/the McPoyal Family/smarmy boyfriend you are trying to have a threesome with to make him happy/save your marriage/sacrifice your vagina to the gods. This is a dating site, not a swingerfest equipped with a potluck buffet and slutty swingers with no real standards. I wouldn't have sex with you if you are single why would i do it with another person involved, sex isn't a pyramid scheme no matter how many people you recruit. I am bisexual, this doesn't mean I have low standards and sleep around. So no, we really don't have anything in common. Calling me sweety, honey, or some other douchey flattery name as if you know me won't change my mind. I reserve my 'drunken sex swinging drug addled binging' for college and Vegas. Unless is it swingin-sex train Tuesday.

* Do not expect me to have sex with you just because you ask
nicely...Does that work at Kwik-E-Mart by the slushy machine when you ask? Please reserve this sorta hijinx for desperation hour like everyone else.

* Do not message me if you answered yes to the question 'Is there a circumstance where a woman is obligated to have sex with you'. If You don't understand why that is a deal breaker for me, then eventually I am sure the judge and your cell mate appropriately named 'Wreck-tal Killer' will explain it to you.

*Do not contact me and tell me we have a lot in common. My profile reads like a demonic serial killer. I can only assume when you say this, you want to wear my skin as a robe while you use my skull as a nacho dip bowl while you watch reruns of Dexter. You don't know me well enough to just assume we are anything a like so don't tell me how we could be separated at birth and should have a Lanister style date.

* I do not care how cute you are and how many women you score in a day, Manos hands of fate...No I will not send you naked pictures. No I will not drive to your house and have sex with you. They have websites for that where women cost 50 roses. Anything less then 50 roses usually means they have hook hands and a peg leg.

* If you are going to show me pics of your flesh-ness-monster or your cam, please make sure you are well endowed with a bangin body. No I don't want to see your blood trumpet if you are small and it is attached to a hairy beer gut. Please get off the cam and wait for the Rohypnol to kick in with your date before you whip out your man-jelly machine.

* Please refrain from sending me pics of your weenis-wand before I see your face, generally when I go out on a date I don't like to ask the room of dudes to drop trou in order for me to recognize you. As much as porn will have you believe, first dates shouldn't play out like Debbie does Sausagefest 24. I would hope if you go to a place where you see a pretty girl you don't just release the knuckle children cannon in front of her expecting some sort of
compliment/putdown/slap-in-face/tow-rope reaction. Lets save
Peen-slapping and ball busting for the 3rd date.

* If I do not demand you stop wearing your members only jacket and your crew shirt with an alligator on the front or your ed hardy wardrobe including excessive spray tan then don't tell me how much you want me to wear that electric pink rubber cat suit and rollerskates. If you expect me to wear my cooking outfit fully furnished with my black rubber nurse dress and oversized spatula, you may want to stock up on health insurance and a lot of iceyhot.

* I respond to pictures. Yes I look like mine. I care about how YOU TAKE CARE of your body and YOURSELF. Please do not send me pictures from when you were with the boys in 'Nam, or the 1 grainy picture of your chest back during highschool football/wrestling. I take care of myself and expect you to do the same in order to relate to me! I like people who are physically active. And no, LARPING and MASTURBATING are not a form of exercise, no matter what the interwebz says.

* If you just now got out of a long-term relationship or went
through a divorce 5 minutes ago please give it time before you
contact me. I already have plenty of crazy exes, I don't need yours too. Please do not drone on and on about your ex to the point of making me wish we could go back to talking about a less terse and boring conversation like how your cat has empathic powers and has a human soul.

* If you send me something canned please don't make it so obvious. Stop sending me your weekly canned response that is still the same email you concocted one drunk night back in 1999 which you are too lazy to update or fix the bad spelling errors in. If it is canned please do not make is so boring and long that I can't respond because I have stabbed my eyes out with a bar of soap I whittled into a shank while I read your masterpiece.

* It is true women are pre-selectors in the dating world. It is
true women get an abundance of email on dating sites. It is true that sometimes, I just get busy and can't get back to you even though I am interested and chuckled at your witty email. It is also possible that your tactic of being an taintbag didn't work, or your overly flattering fake email didn't capture my attention. It is also true that throwing a tantrum because I don't get right back to you right away will come off as needy and somewhat desperate....It is why I don't take you out anymore, I feel this relationship has become stale and you don't dress sexy for me anymore and have got fat and it is why I have cheated on you with your sister.

* Do not try to convert me into your cult/religion in the first
email. I am an atheist, if you don't like it find another girl who
goes to your spiritual colon cleansing meet and greets or your AA meetings. No, I do not hate your church or the people who attend, just your disrespectful pushy attitude and your 1972 mullet.

* Do not email me and assume there is anything wrong with me. I am not bitter, angry, lonely nor self-righteous. That is you not me. I also have not done any blood sacrifices in the last month so I can't be qualified as a satanist, a witch nor worse a lawyer. Please keep the judgments and assumptions to at least the second email.

* Bipolar disorder afflicts millions of Americans. It is a
disorder, not a method to pickup chicks with. Please refrain from violent outbursts until I start dating you.

* If the rules above have offended you obviously they apply to you. They are not rules, just a matter of etiquette as to how you should treat people in general whether in person or on the internet. If you feel this etiquette is too tedious then please go to realdolls dot com to find you a date, please have your
mastercard/visa/discover ready.
The two of us