47 Portland, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
Before you start reading my profile, please realize that if you find what I have to say witty or amusing, it took me a long time to come up with this crap. If you email me, don't be surprised if my response isn't all that witty. Being witty takes time and energy, so it is often forsaken in exchange for a timely response.
The way I see it, everyone is on here trying to sell themselves, which is fine, but most people aren't being totally honest when describing themselves. They're selling this idealized fantasy or delusion of who and what they are. Well, I'm not going to do that. I don't have the energy to maintain the facade I sell myself as, so I'm just going to be honest.
I'll start by saying that when push comes to shove, I probably don't have much to offer (unless your expectations are really low, and then I might seem like a catch). Most guys will talk about what they can do for you, but I'm not one of those guys. I'm immature for my age. That's to say that I don't act like most guys in their 40s. If I was 30 or 31, I would be considered very mature, but I'm not, so it's safe to say I'm immature. I'm a recovering cynic with a dark sense of humor. Also, and this is very important, these are good pictures of me. Honestly, I don't look this good in real life. Not that I'm ugly, because I actually do border on being devilishly handsome, but I'm also really photogenic. And I have a lot of body hair, which I will never shave or wax, period. I also have 17 tattoos, and I need to lose some weight. Not that I'm completely covered in tattoos, or I'm an obese slob (but I have 17 tattoos and I need to lose some weight -- and if I'm going to be really honest, I just don't look good naked). I have a tendency to be brutally honest, which is more of a character flaw than a good attribute.
There is little I can say about myself in this limited space that can truly convey all of my complexities. I mean seriously, what am I supposed to say? I like movies, especially documentaries, zombie movies, and indie films no one else has ever heard of. I like eating, especially food that someone else has cooked, although I am a decent cook in my own right. I like reading, especially comic books (which might make me immature). I like all kinds of music, especially old school hip-hop and hard rock, but will often listen to the same two or three albums over and over again for weeks at a time, and I'm one of those people who obsessively makes mix CDs. Right now my favorite food is toast, dry (but that is likely to change some time in the next six to twelve months). I like exercising, but I still can't seem to get back into the shape I was in when I was 20.
I don't drink, do drugs or go to church. I've never hit a woman, cheated on a girlfriend or been arrested. I've never had a STD, been married and I don't have children, and this is VERY important, I'm not sure I want kids. TRANSLATION: I'm hesitant to date anyone with kids. Doesn't mean I won't do it, but it is a consideration.
And did I mention that I'm shallow?

There. Now I've described myself and you have no real clue as to what I'm about.

I am new and improved, better than ever, and packed with goodness.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm paying my bills. I'm worrying about family and friends who are sick. I'm hoping that the stupid people in the world either get a clue or drop dead, so I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm wondering if Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro will ever make a movie together again. I'm trying to not be as shallow. I'm thinking about getting another tattoo. I'm working on accepting the fact that I have a receding hairline. I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and how to fix it. I'm working on not repeating the same mistakes I've made in the past. I'm fighting the urge to drive over to Voodoo Doughnuts and get a maple bar with bacon.
I’m really good at
Either impressing everyone in the room or alienating everyone in the room. It all depends on who is in the room. I used to be really good with a yo-yo, but that is a skill that fades over time if you don't keep it up.
The first things people usually notice about me
If they are just looking: tattoos and excessive chest hair. If they actually talk to me, some people notice that I come across being blunt, arrogant, surly or disinterested, while others find me to be of dazzling charm and wit. Either way, I still have tattoos and a hairy chest.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Honestly, I hate these types of questions. This is where I try to impress anyone reading this with my eclectic yet hip taste in this, that and the other. Having mutual interests can be great, but I would trade similar taste in movies for respect and honesty any day. Does it really matter if you love Thin Lizzy, Elvis Costello and Public Enemy as much as I do, if you can't keep from lying through your teeth? Does it really matter that I think The Wire and The Shield were the greatest shows in the history of television and that Ben Sisko was the best Star Trek captain? How does my liking Thai food make me more worth dating than someone who likes Indian food? Does reading comic books count less than reading "real" books? And what does it say about me that I prefer Marvel Comics over DC Comics, and do you think less of me for feeling this way? All of this stuff is irrelevant (or almost irrelevant) when you stack it up next to things like honesty and good hygiene. I can date a woman who doesn't think Enter the Dragon is the greatest kung-fu movie of all time, or who doesn't think Nicholas Cage will ever make a better movie than Valley Girl, as long as she respects that I feel this way.
The six things I could never do without
1. Food
2. Water
3. Oxygen
*anything else is just a bonus.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I'm more concerned about a potential ape uprising than I am a zombie apocalypse, but I am preparing for both.
On a typical Friday night I am
Friday night, I crashed your party. Saturday, I said, "I'm sorry." Sunday came, I trashed it out again.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Honestly, this is the most ridiculous part of this profile. Is this where I'm supposed to admit something that is shocking and somewhat witty, without being overly offensive or too sexually aggressive? If I talk about my prematurely graying pubic hair, is that private enough? Or should I get into the personality quirks and defects that have led me to be a single man looking for a date on a website populated by people who like sushi? Should I make note of the five things I will never do sexually, but the weird things that I have done?
Instead of listing anything, I'll just say that I am not easily embarrassed, and there is nothing I won't own up to. If you want to know my feelings about my graying pubic hair, or the oddest place I've ever gone to the bathroom, simply ask.
You should message me if
Can you maintain an intelligent conversation for thirty consecutive minutes? Do you appreciate a demented sense of humor? Can you hold your own in the event of a zombie uprising? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, and if you are less hairy and not as fat as me, then maybe we can talk.
Please DO NOT bother to contact me if:
1. You do drugs
2. Get drunk on a regular basis
3. Are still hung up on your ex
4. Are addicted to drama
5. Have kids but you're a bad parent
6. Have no self esteem
7. Have no common sense
8. Your ex is a psycho who threatens every guy you date
9. You think finding a man will be the answer to all your problems
10. Don't try to keep up with current events and/or you admire Donald Trump "because he speaks his mind."
11. You think text messaging is a viable form of communication
12. Expect the man to pay for everything
13. You suffer from "abandonment issues" and/or everything is a "trigger."