I am decibels, craftsmanship, and disobedience.
Doesn't Drive. Sneaky, but not creepy. Just useful.
Artists who can't tell the difference between themselves & their art run the high risk of being a-holes because you get into a headspace where being an Artist is your excuse for being alive, which implies that you need an excuse for being alive.
Which you don't. So then we're down the rabbit hole of constantly needing validation for something you used to do for joy. And then you're lost.
This song describes my entire life to the degree where I find it painful to even think about:
Look out! I'm just too fake for the world, I know
It's just a game to me, I'm just too fake, you see
I wish I didn't have to be
watch out! I've got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two, I've got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
It's really pretty when you listen to it. But it is applicable to a weird degree. I fake it so real I'm beyond fake, and I also go too far the other way.
...Yeah, that's a valid take. Print.
Wait, this too. Maybe more than anything:
...And my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward
* (There is a site called Something W/O Pity, for which I have been a staff writer for approx seventeen hundred years. There's a guy named Jacob who is kind of me, but not really me.
If you think he's cool we will get along. I like him too, he's nice.
If not, it's entirely possible we still will get along.) There are twenty Jacobs and you're likely to hate at least one of them, but none of them is actually me. I'm saving that for the boy who's the one. Meanwhile did I mention how cute you are? Because you're just so cute.
Otherwise, it's things like this.
"PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PET MY DOG. IT MAY MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER."
Constant threats of violence but no real action. Ability to bring The OC into any conversation you've got. The constant drinking and chain-smoking. You think I'm funny but I'm not that funny; you think I'm cute but I'm not that cute.
I spent the last fifteen years on how cute I am. I'm not that cute, and I'm not too interested in selling on that currency anymore. I am often fat, my weight varies by about 100 pounds, and I don't actually give much of a damn about that. It's a whole teenage hustler deal and it involves extensive social networks so whatever you think you can add to my lifestyle? I've got six of those, so really I want somebody who covers multiple bases. I need you to be Olympic-level at something, I don't care what it is. Just be driven. That is all.
Teenagers with guns, in school uniforms, setting everything on fire.
But honestly, it's that I'm really into guys that are poly, atheist/pagan; generally all those kinky geek gamers that quote Monty Python nonstop and think Terry Pratchett is funny.
Which bites, because I am none of those things. But you know the ones. And hopefully you are one.
If you are a Sagittarius with an IQ in the 150+ range and possess the other half of this golden amulet.