mutterfodder
48 Portland, United States
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mutterfodder
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My self-summary
I'm kind, literate, considered, considerate. I laugh well and make it my mission to make sure everyone around me is having a good time. When I meet someone, I want to find out what is uniquely interesting and/or delightful about them. It's not that I don't notice your negatives - it's that I appreciate the package deal that you likely are.

For me, intelligence is the best aphrodisiac, as long as it's served with a playful sense of humor on the side. Stimulating conversation sprinkled with flirtatious banter leading to, well, you have an imagination, don't you?

I am now twice-divorced, which is to say that I'm not afraid of commitment, but also that going slower to make sure one is a match before committing can only be a good thing. (My first marriage we considered a success - my second, not so much :-)

I like being in my 40's and being "seasoned." I'm confounding people who thought they knew me because I'm still evolving.

More about my background: Having been raised as a conservative Jehovah's Witness, I woke up and became a devout agnostic, spending my mid-20's waiting tables in semi-exotic locales like Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Washington D.C., before settling into an IT career in the San Francisco Bay area in '95. Probably to spite my repressed religious upbringing, I have walked comfortably in many of the "alternative" scenes that San Francisco has to offer, know lots of people in them, and can jump into just about any rabbit hole with an eye towards learning what lies through the looking glass. Recently decided my long-delayed dream of living in the gorgeous Pacific Northwest needed to happen. From burners to sybarites, I mix well (and have friends in) nearly every crowd. Well, except gangsta rappers. But give me time...

Other relevant facts:

I'm an extrovert who understands why introverts might not want to join me for all the social events that come along. (though all the better if there are themes and costumes involved at those events :-) Speaking of Myers-Briggs, I am an ENTP, with a well-developed F side - my parents were incredibly gregarious feeling-types, and I learned social cues by watching them work a room.

I love quiet weekends working on projects punctuated by dinner with friends, but I'm also good for a spontaneous and decadent adventure when the mood strikes.

Just left-of-center politically, I am always interested in learning about possible solutions to make the world a more just and kinder place.

The price for leaving the cult that I grew up in was losing all the family and friends I had up to that point at age 22. That makes me extra-appreciative of the circles of very different but equally valuable friends I've been lucky to become entwined with since then and I am secretly more proud of that than anything else in my life. I know this is the second time I've mentioned "friends" in this profile but I wish I could highlight them here in the way some people list their favorite bands or writers because that's the impact they've had on my life for the better.

I've recently finally found my body/mind/spirit balance. I used to run but never got the runner's high. Then I recently discovered exercise needed to be social for me and found three people to do strength training and cardio with (and a change of diet helped too.) And a necessary spiritual (not religious) "rebalancing" that completed that centering.

I believe card games are best played as a prelude to sex, because no matter how many times I may see you naked, it'll never be quite as sweet as when I win that tawdry hand of strip gin rummy and you have to take an article of clothing off to satisfy the bet.
What I’m doing with my life
As an independent person who straddles the line between clean-cut IT professional and bohemian adventurer, I'm always looking for that elusive course that will lead me to greater fulfillment. I was the IT Coordinator for a buddhist Zen Center in the Bay area for five years because I admired the work that the buddhist priests were doing at great sacrifice, and I wanted to help make a difference too.

I'm very interested in the idea of intentional community - how we build it and support it, and think the old models could use a refresh. Therefore, it may soon be time to sell my house and attempt my dream, which is to help build a cohousing community, and to participate in living there. (Go on - wikipedia it.)
I’m really good at
Creating fun out of thin air.

Giving you permission to do what you secretly want to try.

Making you feel safe when you try that thing.
The first things people usually notice about me
My sizable frontal lobe. Then those eyes.

And that I live a balanced life. "Is this decision appropriate?" is all you need to know about my ethical standards. The ancient greeks had it right: "Know yourself" and "Nothing to excess."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a voracious reader of non-fiction (NYT, The Week Magazine, Wired, whatever obscure article you posted on Facebook), and enjoy some of that HBO cleverness. I miss Jon Stewart more than I realized I would.

I'm addicted to podcasts, particularly with a science-based or human interest tint (RadioLab, This American Life, Drunk Ex Pastors, Bill Maher, etc), mainly because I love hearing articulate discussion about issues important and frivolous.

The most useful and spiritually-satisfying book I have ever read (and re-read) was The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. Coming close in second place is Shinzen Young's "The Science of Enlightenment."

Movies are such a commitment of time so I try to see them only if critics I respect liked it (including my friends), and then love going back to read (or re-read) the reviews after I see the film.
The six things I could never do without
intimate connection
supportive community
constructive criticism
coffee with lots of clouds
courtesy, kindness, and compersion (yes, that's a word... ;-)
my comfy bed built for sharing
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Deep friendship versus infatuative romance - the latter is best when it's an overlay to the former. I'm always looking for the better combination of nutrients and light that can make relationships (both friendships and romance) truly thrive instead of bloom-and-fade. This requires a lot of soul-searching and radical honesty with myself to see where my choices hurt instead of helped and I'm excellent at accepting constructive criticism.

Best lesson from last year: incorporating "How would my partner feel about this choice?" into the decision-making process leads to much better judgement calls than "this is my negotiated right so I'm doing it" ever does. Seems obvious but I'd lost my way on that and it led me to look at other areas of my life that were also not truly helping me be the person I want to be.

And lately, what is the nature of the Universe and what is my role in it besides Helper?
On a typical Friday night I am
... never, ever bored.

That might mean a night on the town or slipping into bed with a remote or a book or a partner, but I mean it: if I'm on my own time, I am never, ever bored. I am self-entertaining, and always interested in something.

This means I wouldn't mind living forever. Since I can't say anymore if there is or isn't a god or an after-life or we're a virtual reality recording played back over and over, this is unlikely, unless Kurzweil is right and the Singularity is coming about the time my generation is hitting the nursing home. (Go on - google it :-)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I believe monogamy is not a realistic concept for many (including me), so I prefer an open negotiation. I'm not sure I think marriage should be forever, since people live so long now, evolving and changing, but perhaps a five-year renewable contract to keep us from getting too lazy and too comfortable? I've long felt polyamorous and there's finally a label for my subset: "solo poly."

Curious? You can read more about it and tell me what you think: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/solo-polyamory-isnt-just-dating/ and this for why the traditional "relationship escalator" may not be a fit no matter what style of loving you are oriented towards: http://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/

Nonetheless, I've recently decided that I'd like having a core relationship again with the right partner (or partners), and then satellite relationships circling me as I circle them. Just like friendship, any romantic overlay should entail commitment, integrity, and the appropriate investment of time. I don't advocate for "no rules"; I'm for considered agreements that support our best natures rather than our worst. I do believe the heart expands and I'm not the jealous type, but I'm still working out the only-so-much-time-in-the-day thing. Do we really need all the time? Or would less time mean more of it feels like a gift? Pondering that one. Stay tuned.
You should message me if
If you are brilliant and compellingly unconventional, introduce yourself. If my profile resonates for you, then yes too, but explain why it does so I know.

You get that a similarity of tastes (in food, entertainment, and art) is not nearly as important as a compatibility of values and character in making choices about connecting with people. (Hint: Match quotient should probably be really high with lots of questions answered and, if not high, put in the allowed explanations to tell me why the sometimes too binary answer did not fit for you. You'll see - it can really bring clarity!) In fact, I'm often more interested in reading "The Two of Us" section than I am the main profile because I believe sharing values is the best predictor of success for a relationship.

I think the "Like" feature is the virtual equivalent of eyes meeting and brightening across a crowded room but I'm realizing now that many people don't pay to see that feature, so here is my new plan of action: I won't "Like" you or write you unless I've thoroughly reviewed your profile to make sure I think we might be a match. Please do the same before you "Like" me. And then contact me if you feel inspired. It's the 21st century, ladies - your turn to step up to the plate and make yourself vulnerable with an approach. I will always write you back with a polite "After reviewing your profile, I don't think we're a match" or, if I think we might be a match, something akin to "Woo hoo! You found me at last!" Or maybe something less dramatic...

You know that starting with a topic about an idea is a better introduction than "I think you're cool".

You think I'm cool.
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