Are you at the office 23 hours a day toiling away your youth in a caffeine fueled, fluorescent lit race to squeeze every last bit of achievement ahead of a ticking biological clock?
Are you wondering if there's more to life in this city than brunch, electronic dance music, and getting rubbed up on by 50 strangers at the climbing gym?
Are you unfulfilled sexually?
I AM YOUR INTERNET DATE.
I am the most radical, bitchin’, mind-blowing internet-dating experience in ALL of OkCupid. All Internet honeys are STOKED when I’m around, regardless of race or socioeconomic status.
You will be on me like a recent transplant on a ClassPass promo code by the time we've had our fourteenth drink.
As we're ascending toward your gentrified apartment, up those fifty flights of booty-toning stairs, yo' horny ass fingers are going to be texting your roommate, "Yo girl, pretend that you're asleep."
Do I do relationships?
YOU BET YOUR PALEO GLUTEN FREE ASS I DO. (If I like you.)
Born on the East Coast. Living on the West Coast. Try-coastal.
Also, being open. Unless I'm truly unaware of an emotion that I'm feeling, I'm pretty good at expressing my feelings (or lack of feelings) honestly, openly, and directly.
But not inappropriately or overbearingly. I try to draw the line somewhere between sending a "thumbs up" emoji and crying during sex.
I also enjoy reading internet dating profiles. I think they're an interesting medium, and therefore refuse to switch to Tinder/Bumble/etc.
"I can't live without my passport" is the new "I love long walks on the beach."
I highly recommend having one if you need a quick, no bullshit evaluation of how you're doing.
Or if the following words would rarely be used to describe you: bored, boring, codependent, conservative, religious ("spiritual" is cool though), dramalicious.
Or on the more affirmative side of things, note that I'm both:
a) a feminist, and:
b) independently confident enough in my own masculinity to appreciate good things in my vicinity without feeling threatened.
So feel free to be:
c) smarter, taller, funner, funnier, more athletic, more successful, more privileged, more carnivorous, a better writer, more informed-on-a-topic-that-I-have-an-opinion-on, etc etc than I am.
It won't faze me one bit.
I still reserve the right to have more facial and chest hair, however.
Congratulations. We've now reached the end of my internet dating advértisement. So ACT NOW. Write me. And we'll get started on making you happier than a Mormon on her honeymoon.