41 Oakland, United States
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My self-summary
May 2016: In an exclusive relationship. But always on the lookout for allies, especially amongst folks steeped in Jewyness, BDSM, nontraditional families, and intentional communities. (Preferably all at the same time!) :)

"Human souls are irresistible. When we can truly see another human soul, we can't help but fall in love." -- Miki Kashtan

I don't make idle promises, because I treat promises as sacred vows. However, I'll wager this: I bet that my capacity for love is greater than that of almost anybody you’ve ever met.

Keep reading...?


My style in life has always been to dive into the deep end and then learn to swim. I haven't drowned yet, and have learned that if asphyxiation doesn't kill me, my fear of it certainly won't.

I'm irreverent and iconoclastic; I'm skeptical of the party line not because it's cool to buck the trends, but because I have a good reason or haven't yet figured out what question nobody is asking.

I'm a big Jew. Are Jew?

Testimonial from past partner: "No baggage, reliable skills, doesn't fuck around." I don't know if that's the best we can hope for, but I'll put it on my resume in the Other section.

I keep no secrets from anyone except myself.

My latest project:

When I don't know something, I try to admit it. That said, I am proud of my smarts, for I have worked really hard to be intelligent, articulate, and empathetic. Mostly because of all the times I discovered I was not those things.

One of my mottoes is that I'll try anything twice. After all, maybe I was wrong the first time.

I don't sit still very much, and tend to expose myself to the elements.

I've done a shit-ton of healing work for the last 15 years in multiple modalities -- half a dozen types of psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, meditation, medication, 12-step, and some woo-woo Berkeleyesque New Agey stuff that I'm too shy to name here because you might roll your eyes in a dismissive oh-yeah-I've-heard-of-that reflex. I'm proud of how far I've come, and have so much more to learn.

I recognize that I'm not a victim anymore. It's one of the most liberating epiphanies I've ever had.

Grandmothers love me. You may or may not find that fact sexy. (They do.)

The more I age, the more I come into my power as a man, and I have really been starting to enjoy the fuck out of it. Care to ride?

"Don't try to open your heart. Recognize that your heart is already open." --Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

I try to put myself out there. I recognize that I am toeing the edge of a cliff, and that I will fall and get hurt. And then I will climb back up and do it again, and it's so totally worth it! Wanna climb some emotions with me? It's no fun to do it alone.

The goal of my spiritual journey is not to transcend illusory reality, but to adore it. After all, no matter how enlightened I get, I’m stuck in this skin for now, and there's always more good work to be done.

Pema Chodron -- any questions?

A while ago I started a practice of going on Negativity Fasts: for 10 days, I try not to gossip or speak cynically or disparagingly about anything or anyone. This usually turns out much like the time I tried abstaining from onanism when I was 13: if at first you don't succeed... Except that, when I was 13, I decided not to try again.

I always keep fresh flowers on my dining room table.

I make lemonade out of lemons.

There's always a silver lining, and you always have at least three options. (Even if you can't think of a third option any better than "kill oneself" -- but how empowering to know you've decided not to take one of your options, nu?)

Speaking of which, I'm no longer afraid of dying. I imagine it might be a breath of fresh air. So why am I sticking around on the planet at this point? Sheer curiosity and excitement to feel and do what I haven't felt or do'ed yet.

I say "poopie" with above average frequency.

I like to read poetry aloud in bed. Preferably not to myself.

I'll drive you to the airport at romantic hours like 5 a.m., and give you killer back rubs, though not simultaneously, because that would be unreasonably dangerous.

If I have a dollar, I give it to the next homeless person I see. If I have change, I stick it in the tip jar.

A poet pointed out that SCARED is an anagram of SACRED.

I’m proactive, solutions-oriented. If I ever wrote I'm a team player! in a cover letter, I'd be telling the truth, although I would never write that because it's too cliché, and besides, I plan to never write another cover letter in my life. I’m hoping that if I’m ever diagnosed with a terminal disease, or crippled permanently in an accident, I’ll still be able to face every day of my life with equanimity and gratitude for what I have now, and for what I used to have in the past that allowed me to experience all the potential of living. "I am dying fully in touch with loving life, and yet, also, fully accepting death." -- Inbal Kashtan, z''l

I dish out bonus life points to people when they use 11-point Boggle words.

I appear to be one of the only people on OKC who mentions death in their profile. What gives, folks? There's no such thing as bad publicity.

I try to recognize that my feelings are my own; nobody else caused them to exist. So too, my judgements are my own, and they are by nature neither right nor wrong. I try to "stay on my side of the street," i.e. hold only myself accountable for these arisings, take ownership, take responsibility. Sometimes I'm wildly successful. Sometimes I'm not. Oh, you too? Cool, another human being! Let's get together!

I eat avocados out of the skin with a spoon and salt.


I try not to look at my iPhone obsessively when I'm idle. I once almost dropped it in a urinal; that was an important, & potentially expensive, lesson in mindfulness.

I like to say that life is full of high-quality problems. That's the sign that things are overall going right.
What I’m doing with my life
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." -Reginald Mansell

I smile at strangers on the BART; hope that someone asks me for directions so I can be of help; try not to fart in small enclosed spaces when there's a chance someone else might walk in; and keep forgetting to practice celebration and compassion not just every day, but every moment: compassion for others, and for myself.

When I'm in a shitty mood, I go buy a cookie for myself... and for the person in line behind me. This never fails to put me, and two other people, in a better mood (because the cashier always laughs). (Plus, I get a cookie.)

Full disclosure: I've been pursuing a divorce since fall 2012 (!) and the timeline is at the mercy of intransigent lawyers with no incentive to hurry themselves. Hopefully will be done by the end of 2016?!?

I have 50% custody of two beautiful seven-year-olds. Whether you deem that a benefit or liability is up to you; obviously, only the former will open the way to a potential lifelong relationship. Personally, I consider them a benefit, but I realize I’m hopelessly biased. One of my big personal drives is to find partner(s) in community to help raise them and perhaps manufacture a couple more, because the older they get, the more I realize that these are some of the deepest relationships of my life, which I will never regret.

I’m a Big Jew™. I was raised Conservadox but rebelled, and am now a radical neo-hippie East Bay Renewal type. But I'm still fraught with Jewish ambivalence, and the search for integration may preoccupy me all my life. How will this manifest in my Next Big Relationship? Not sure; I can say that I'm strongly partial to dating Jewish women, and open to meeting Jew-fetishists (a.k.a. Judeophiles, Philosemites). It behooves me, as someone who aspires to Peace Amongst All Humankind within the next seven generations, to be open to interreligious, interethnic partnerships -- if I can't walk the walk, how could I hope anyone else can? How could I truly hope for peace in the Middle East? (Besides, sexy non-Jews put the Awe of Creation into me.)

I'm a breeder. I've wanted to be a father all my life. I have two children and I want more. If this paragraph has turned you on, you should just message me immediately, don't pass Go don't collect $200, so we can negotiate transacting business together.

I’m the laziest entrepreneur you’ve ever met. I used to work the 80-hour weeks… No more! Life is with people. Let's keep it that way.
I’m really good at
Communicating. NO, REALLY!!!! I studied Non-Violent Communication for years — not just to be a better lover but a better person; to bring my vision of a better world closer to reality. I use this in every relationship I have, both personal and professional, to clarify my own needs to myself and others, and to help others clarify their needs to themselves and me. I could talk for days about this stuff.

I'm super empathetic. I'm super-duper empathetic. I'm super-duper-pooper-empathetic. I've learned that my gut is highly accurate about the moment-by-moment state of my relationships, even if I can't always tell exactly what it's saying to me; if it's screaming, "Watch out! red alert!" I've learned to listen. Combine this with my communication approach, and it means that I can't be deeply partnered with someone who doesn't have a guruesque ability to tap into and express their emotional states, nor who doesn't find sheer delight and connection in doing so. Part of my relationship approach is to create safe space for such mutual expressions -- that's where love creeps in and deepens, and then creepens/deepens more. Put another way: I'm seeking partners who like to process!!! (Don't hear that every day, right?)

Besides that, I've noticed that I can get good at anything that I decide is worth spending time on. I'm a very, very quick study. Otherwise, I'm probably bad at it, but I don't care and might not even know because I don't spend time finding out. Like, for example, lacrosse -- I have no desire to learn lacrosse so I don't care that I probably suck at it -- but in that case, c.f. above where I will try anything twice.
The first things people usually notice about me
My smile and my sense of humor that just won't die. I think they might also notice my butt but I'm always facing the wrong way to tell.

Hopefully those are the last things they consciously notice, because I have so actively engaged with them that they stop noticing their noticing. Otherwise, it's probably not going to be a fun date for either of us.

"You don't stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing." --my uncle, of blessed memory
The six things I could never do without
Fuck the “six things” trope — I find it kinda trite and unhelpful. Let’s talk about sex and love instead. They're on everybody's mind, after all, whether or not they admit it. Prurient, even salacious, topics are truly my favorites. As a matter of fact, I consider sex to be my favorite hobby, and love my favorite emotion, and seek the same lascivious eagerness in a primary partner; without that correspondence, I kinda doubt it'll work out. I hope you find the stereotype that women aren't as into sex as men to be as tragically -- and blessedly -- untrue as I do.

"I can't believe it's only eleven o'clock and I've had that many emotions and orgasms." --a former partner

I’m a sensualist. I'm into the energy of sexuality, not just the orgasm. I could just kiss for hours, or even smell you, or explore less gentle things, if that seems like the quickest way to epiphany. Sometimes I actually get disappointed if I don't have enough time to admire and delight in how you look in clothing. That said, let's not dissemble some kind of neo-Puritanism: my disappointment at taking your clothes off would be so fleeting you'd need a particle accelerator the size of goddamn Eurasia to even hypothesize that it may have existed.

"It’s really hard to think about you without also thinking about having my every desire totally fulfilled."

I'm into the slow simmer, with occasional gasoline thrown on the flames. Explosion; cackle gleefully; repeat.

"You on Viagra would be like Superman on multivitamins."

I'm an enthusiastic kinkster. (FL handle: ittakesavillage) Mission in life: Save World From Bad Sex. Because, let's admit, there's a lot of it out there, and most people don't even realize what shitty sex they've been having for decades until, hopefully, they realize it... and life will never be the same. May I help you unload that particular epiphany?

"It’s really hard to think about you without also thinking about having my every desire totally fulfilled."

Now, let's talk about this trendy "poly" thing. I feel very ambivalent about both monogamy and nonmonogamy. I've tried various styles of nonmonogamy and never was totally comfortable with it; however, I have done two decades of Good Ole Monogamy and never was totally comfortable with it either! I hope to work out these questions with the right love partner in an honest, committed, loyal, caring, trusting, ethical, supportive, compassionate, empathetic, loving relationship. My heart can be reluctant to open, but when it does, it opens and attaches and gives everything, somethin' fierce. Are you willing to communicate your needs with radical honesty and listen to your partner's too? Let's discover interdependence by seeking workable balances between intimacy and autonomy. Boom.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How to run my business according to my principles and vision for how the world should be, not just according to the profit motive.

Whether living in, and raising children in, community would [will] be as good it is sounds in my fantasies... or not?

How fucking good it feels to finally be an adult and a man. How exciting it feels to know I will only keep becoming more of both.

Is AD(H)D not a dirty clinical pathology, but a manifestation of how contemporary Americans experience perpetual, miraculous, "divine" abundance and curiosity at every moment?

Is there actually a hierarchy of human needs (c.f. Maslow) or is it flat, or constantly rearranging itself, and what are the implications for human aspiration and decision-making? When is a relationship worth "sacrifice," i.e. ostensibly putting some of one's own needs on hold in favor of relationship-based needs, versus ditching?

Past a certain point, is it really so critical to understand the psychological genesis of the feelings of the moment, or is it more useful to turn my focus to nurturing myself for the potential of the future? Phrased another way: Is it really all that important for me to tell a therapist about my mother?

Is depression a culturally-maligned but extremely useful spiritual experience of emptying out to make room for the new, or for the divine (i.e. that which is older than old), or both, or are they the same thing? Wow that one sounded deep, you really should message me now.

How I should be paying attention to my children, or getting enough sleep, instead of seeing who visited my OKC profile (hello there!).
On a typical Friday night I am
- Practicing piano and/or guitar and/or singing
- Going to some Jewy event
- Going to a kink event or play party
- Going to a show
- Putting my kids to bed
- Washing the dishes
- Flirting
- Errrrrr, apparently trolling OKCupid, hi

... or any of the above!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Erica Jong once publicly humiliated me in a crowded Seattle auditorium. I might have deserved it.

I love Billy Joel. I love love love Billy Joel... I LURV Billy Joel. Don't tell my friends, only my mom knows and she loves him too.

Actually, I am willing to admit anything and everything. I'm an open book. Hell, I welcome getting to know you cuz it'll help me get to know myself, if awkwardly.
You should message me if
☞ You can make me laugh. Go ahead, give it a shot!

☞ This resonates with you: Three Harsh Truths About Love

This also resonates with you even if you have no idea what it means (which I admit I don't, but it resonates deeply).

☞ You're curious about non-traditional families.

☞ You've done a bunch of emotional work and get turned on by communication


“Remember that real love continuously and consistently makes your life better. Settle for nothing less." -- Susan J. Elliott

I don't know who you are, but I'm certain that once I find out, I will see that you are wonderful. Even if we're not the right fit, which I'll admit when I figure it out.

If I fall in love with you, I am certain I will forever, irreparably raise your bar for what constitutes a satisfying relationship.

Try me.