36Pittsburgh, United States
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My self-summary
I love the universe. It doesn't love me back, but that's ok. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. I'm not very good at recognizing faces. My personal hobbies include video games, social experiments, coming to complete stops at stop signs, and saying stupid things to stupid people. I don't believe anything unless it is on Wikipedia. I don't find "slut" to be an offensive word anymore. I have no idea how to spell "restaurant" and I pretend to be good at Scrabble. I have some serious problems with suspension of disbelief. I have never fired a handgun. Sometimes I worry when people encourage my shenanigans. (Nobody wants their last words on this planet to be "Oh shiat!") Even if I get over my problems I'm just going to go out and find more. It is the responsibility of all hecklers to maximize the amount of heckling.

I'm very patient but otherwise do not wait in line. I was obsessed with Law & Order until I watched them all, but now I am practically a lawyer. I have an affinity for comfortable clothing. I hate it when people use the words "drugs" when they mean "some subset of drugs". Litterbugs are common criminals, nothing less. I notice if people don't use punctuation or capitalization, or can't think for longer than a paragraph. I'm irked by people who don't realize that they need to let people off of buses or elevators before they get on. I can't believe that people don't walk down escalators, much less up them. I can't stand Christmas; I'm just no good at receiving bad presents.

My dog is crazy and if I don't exercise him enough he starts to act out. I have also dated women like that. I once did a triathlon. I lost count of how many speeding tickets I have gotten. I once walked from Mount Katahdin in Northern Maine to Buchanan, Virginia and it made my feet hurt. I militantly assert my rights as a pedestrian. Only bad drivers dislike tractor trailers. I live like I bowl: bumper style. Guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people. That's why you need a gun. I know how to figure things out for myself. Lawbreaking is for amateurs. In theory, practice and theory are the same, but in practice they are not. I don't want to hear about your emotions, I want to feel them. Don't curse wealth, acquire it. (In a rich man's house, there is nowhere to spit but his face.)

All I want is a kind word, a warm bed, and unlimited power. I don't get the munchies, just the ability to eat more if I need to. I like to stay at Motel 6 (they all allow dogs.) I am a supertaster and can't put things in my mouth that taste bad. I don't like vegetables and love tomatoes. I prefer good stouts, porters, wheat, and fruity beers. The greatest beers ever made are, in no particular order: Perkuno's Heavyweight Hammer, Dogfish Head's World Wide Stout and Malt Liquor, Allagash White, and anything that has been spontaneous fermented. Hoegaarden goes down like water. I once tried to drink a different beer a day for a year but ran out after 340. I used to think vodka went with everything until I tried it with chicken noddle soup. I prefer Grey Goose warm, Kettle One frozen, Three Olives mixed, and silver tequila in my margaritas. (I may be allergic to tequila. Whenever I drink it I wake up in handcuffs.) Real chilies and burritos don't have any beans, corn, or rice in them. I've been to Mexico and will start fights with people if they claim that Tex Mex food is Mexican food. My favorite flavors are cherry and bacon and I am not addicted to sugar. I used to be 420 friendly but now I am 420 belligerent. (I smoke it in order to keep it out of the hands of children.) My Netflix queue is filled with 200 classics that I will probably never watch. I dislike the cold and love a warm rain storm.

I do crosswords in ink and don't preview before post. I'm in it for the long haul. I would like a legitimate government but am otherwise glad we're not getting all of the government we are paying for. I am nonlinear and straight-curious.

I only believe in things that are true and I think that lying to people is wrong.

I am cinematic, selfploytative, and fortified
What I’m doing with my life
We were all born naked, blood-soaked, and screaming. But it doesn't have to end there.
I’m really good at
Being a jerk on the Internet.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Aeon Flux
American Dad!
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Bojack Horseman
Code Monkeys
Cowboy Bebop
The Critic
Dr Katz, Professional Therapist
Frisky Dingo
The IT Crowd
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Police Squad!
Rick and Morty
Sealab 2021
South Park
Strangers With Candy
The Tick
Ugly Americans
Veggie Tales
The Venture Bros
30 Rock

Bad Boys
Bad Boys 2
Citizen Kane
Super Troopers
Six things I could never do without
Well, considering I have gone without pretty much everything in life, I'll make a list of things I'd least like to go without: The Internet, good toilet paper, good food, sunshine, Ibuprofen, and puppies.
On a typical Friday night I am
Bored out of my mind
You should message me if
You could use a good personal trainer
The two of us