Try and think about which words describe you best, but also which words will make you not seem like a complete tool. Although you are an adult, it is essential that you cling to, and demonstrate, your youthfulness by representing yourself as a kind of outgrown teenager. Here is where you make your first impressions, so make the best use of it! Make plenty of references to how fun-loving you are, specifically with regard to Zombies and the Zombie Apocalypse. It’s not even that daft really. I mean, like, it could actually happen, with drugs and shit? You can also talk about other topics that young people apparently are preoccupied by, such as ‘what super power would you have?’.
Highlight your boredom with life by referring to your activities outside of work as ‘adventures’. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s OK, some people don’t see through this. And even though you may not be a career criminal, ensure that you state that you are looking for a 'partner in crime’. This will make you look especially edgy, even if a little uncreative. That’s OK. Not everyone needs to be creative. They DO need to be edgy though.
(If, however, you actually are a criminal and are looking for a partner for a job, this may not be the best place to look. You will undoubtedly be inundated with replies from beard-sporting middle class twats who will insist that Bob Dylan is, like, the most important musician of our time.)
This is also the place where you get to demonstrate your webness and is the section that readers will immediately be looking for references to current internet memes and the latest US jargon for First World problems. Show that you are ‘aware’ by referring to the plights of those in challenging circumstances around the world in a slightly patronising way, and try and insinuate that their problems may well go away, if only they had access to more iPhones. You can also show how caring you are by talking about Facebook campaigns that you have clicked on. There was that thing about some monks, I think, and some other foreign people somewhere who were being oppressed by some rich guy with a private army. I can’t remember the details. But it’s probably easy to look up. I will do that in between TED Talks. Generally speaking, any American phrase or reference will go down well and will make you look cultured. Try throwing in ‘hella’, or talk about Burning Man like it’s on every week.
Also, DO NOT forget regular references to alcohol consumption throughout the profile. If at any time, the reader may have forgotten how interesting or zany you are, this will immediately remind them. Photographs also can help with this - try getting shots in which you not only are holding a drink but also wearing some kind of ‘youthful’ outfit (devil horns, fairy wings, or preferably a full-on zombie fancy dress. Go you!).
Working hard is an admirable activity for any human. Obviously, you could write that here, which may endear you to many prospective suitors. However, what you may not have considered is that additionally, you could add ‘and playing hard’ (or even better - ‘and playing harder!’). Remember, you need to take every opportunity to show your quick wit, and also this light hearted approach should help to gloss over the fact that you are making a vague admission of a borderline alcohol problem.
Writing profiles is hard. No one is denying that. You shouldn’t have to be expected to come up with original stuff. Try some of those expressions that you find printed on novelty tea towels, (or that people used to group email in the 90s) like ‘I like to dance like no one is watching’, ‘Being the best me I can be’ etc. If it’s still looking a little paltry, you may wish to add pointless words like ‘Travelling’, ‘Spending time with friends and family’, ‘Going to the gym’, ‘Defecating’, ‘Waiting for public transport’ or ‘Peering at electronic data devices’.
In a similar vein, perhaps try ‘procrastinating’. Given that you and I know how long it took you to complete your profile, this is actually VERY funny. Other readers may not know. But funny is funny, right?
You know that time you were on holi-, sorry, travelling, and you got to go Scuba Diving for an hour and looked at those brightly coloured fish close up? Hello! You can now say that you are ‘really good at scuba diving’! It’s not like it isn’t true. The instructor even told you that. Granted, he seemed to be gazing up and down your Lycra-clad body as he did so, but hey, a win is a win.
In fact, there are so many of these activities you can list - Bungee Jumping, Sky Diving etc. Authenticity is increased if you have a picture of you looking awkwardly trussed up in some safety harness or equipment that has been worn by a thousand other sweating tourists.
Simply leave this section out. More time for TED talks!
Ooh, and Radio 4. They didn’t ask about radio, but you like Radio 4. They’re so uncultured here! Thankfully, you’re not. Add something about Radio 4.
Then make a fuck off size list of all the books you’ve ever read, films you’ve watched, and music you’ve heard. Don’t worry if you can’t remember them all, I’m sure the Guardian have ‘Top 100 cleverest books etc' lists on their website. The longer your list, the more you will be helping people to exercise their index fingers as they swipe repeatedly to get through it.
Even better, add a bunch of YouTube links that you expect random strangers to click on. If you’re worried that they might not click on them, label them with the words ‘This. Just this’. This phrase is very intriguing to humans and they will not be able to avoid clicking.
(If you list more than six, it’s OK. I did once, and nothing happened. Some people pointed it out to me. But that was all.)
You can also add other non-typical Friday night activities. Do you remember that house party you went to in Shoreditch that time, where they had a DJ with those big black discs, and he let you choose some of the music for 20 minutes? Well, now you can legitimately say you ‘might be DJing at a house party’. Fill this section in now. Hopefully one of your BFFs will have snapped you using Instagram, which applies filters to make things look like they are from the 1970s, thereby appearing more of something.
Write something indignant here, along the lines of ‘Well, it wouldn’t be private then, would it?’ I’m sure if enough of us do this, the website will FINALLY get around to removing this nonsensical question!