That's how I feel about this damn self-summary today. I have a sense of what I want and I have a sense of who I am...but who the hell really KNOWS definitively who they are and what they want. We say we want one thing and go after another. We're strange creatures - blessed and cursed with an amazing capacity to contradict ourselves.
I've been taking these OKCupid questionnaires and thinking..."Well, my answer would truly be case-specific...but then that's not the point of the questionnaire...it's assessing your overall values...right? Is that what it's doing?"
I feel as if I'm being asked to write one of those letters of intent you send in collusion with a college application. You write this letter - basically responding to the question "What do you want to get out of the learning process if you're accepted here?" I always want to respond "I don't fucking know...that's why I was thinking of going back to school!"
So...what do I want out of life right now at this moment...
I want to write a book about seedy dive bars in New York City. I think that's where the truly interesting people hang out. Places that are part of a scene are great and have their place...but there's something about hole-in-the-wall places - I could be romantic and say that they're a respite for broken, battered souls in need of solace...but what's closer to the truth is that they're great places to watch truly interesting inebriates drinking themselves into stupors and they're cheap for long, involved conversations - and I have to admit that I am a sucker for long, involved conversations.
I have been informed by many a loved one of mine that I am a slight cluster-fuck of contradictions. (Well...as I've mentioned before...I think we all are ;)
There are times I'll look at the world and all it's absurdity through a sardonic, satirical lens - wanting nothing more than to "thumb my nose" at it all...And then I'll turn my head - or turn a corner - and see something simple and genuine: a loving couple walking hand-in-hand; or a girl walking her enthusiastic dog down the sidewalk just before it takes a leap at a smaller pup and drags her down the street by its leash; or an infant carefully watching its parents with that awe-inspired (yet carefully studious) look that babies get - and I'll just go a bit weak because...well...goddammit...life's pretty fucking great!
I am the good, the bad, and the tad impish
to Brazil and playing with a band in the
Carnaval...although this secretly harbored dream also has me
speaking Portuguese...something I haven't quite mastered in my
non-harbored-dream state...so it's a bit of a set-back ) I also
want to write a great novel in the league of something like "Moby
Dick" or "The Scarlet Letter" - a book that everyone has
heard of, everyone respects, everyone admires, and no one has
actually read ;)
Saw "The Diving Bell And The Butterfly" last week. Incredible!!! Incredible!!! I am in love with what this film does visually. Performances are spot on. It pulls at the heart-strings without getting terribly sentimental. It's both sensitive and irreverent. Great movie!
Music??? Right now, at this moment, iTunes has shuffled and played "Scarlet's Walk" by Tori Amos. I'm a Tori fan from way back - ever since her first solo album "Little Earthquakes"
Now, my iTunes shuffle has played Ani DiFranco...which leads me to believe that my iTunes is in a particular mood this afternoon for strong-willed - at moments slightly irate - female singer/songwriters. It's playing Not A Pretty Girl which - quite honestly - is not my favorite Ani album. Little Plastic Castles is easily my favorite.
The trend continues because it's just chosen The Breeders.
The trend is now broken...Tchaikovsky just came on. It's Sleeping Beauty - which is arguably my favorite of his...neck-and-neck with his Sixth Symphony.
Now it's The Pixies and Doolittle!!! Favorite song from the album...probably Wave Of Mutilation
Books??? Going back to basics and reading classics I either
a.)haven't read in years and years
b.)have never read in their entirety
c.) simply missed completely.
Right now...starting near of the top of the bookshelf marked "A"...I'm reading "The House Of The Spirits" by Isabel Allende - which I've read portions of but never the whole way through. I'm really enjoying how she's walking this tightrope between lyricism and eccentricity. The characters she creates in this Chilean family are so beautifully rendered. It's shaping up to be one hell of a read.