you want to make out to Loveless with your soulmate.
you never wear gym shoes outside of an athletic setting.
you want a companion and peer to work with side-by-side on separate projects, possibly collaborating, definitely taking breaks to bang.
you do not think "creative" is a complete job title or "adult" is a verb.
you have nerdy qualities (you are good at math / fluent in a programming language, you like science fiction and comics, you really dig Silent Hill) and / or had a nerdy upbringing (you were a frequent forum goer in middle school / sorta miss Geocities, you can name at least 50 Pokémon), but approach contemporary nerd culture with an appreciative detachment rather than as an active participant (you are not a BNF, you do not callout on Tumblr, you do not watch contemporary Dr. Who, you do not cosplay at conventions, you do not constantly quote Monty Python as a substitute for original humor).
you are not a Scorpio.
you are not over forty-two. If you are, we have nothing in common and you know it.
your ego can handle a woman who isn't going to suck your dick and call it ice cream.
you are interested in a monogamous relationship. This is non-negotiable. I have no interest in navigating the emotional muck and power dynamics of polyamory.
Alternately, if you are Bun B, these requirements do not apply to you, please skip ahead to the front of the line.