37Herndon, United States
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My self-summary
Apparently my inactive and moribund profile has been attracting attention lately. I suppose I should update it; before I do that, I might as well save everyone some time and toss out a handful of scarecrows:

I live with my mother. I do not make a great deal of money. I am not tall, I am not ambitious, and I do not like to travel. I have no intention of ever having children, and am not looking to raise anybody else's. I have no patience for people who talk about sports they don't play.

Now, for those who haven't already left, the remainder of my (mostly ancient) profile...

There once was a guy. He was not your average guy, in much the same way as any other given male might not be the average guy; he was perhaps closer to the average geek. He kept his hair (and beard) short enough that he wasn't going gray - he was going sparkly.

He was technical, and curious, with a dry sense of humor. He liked to think of himself as easy going (as does everyone), though he had to admit that saying this to people he knew usually induced disbelieving laughter. He was indomitably optimistic without being obnoxiously upbeat, and pragmatic without giving up on daydreams. He believed that every dire situation could be improved, and that every dour mood could be lightened. If everything was not going to be fine, he at least knew why, and sought to come up with the best path to making things as fine as possible. Discovering that this pisses some people off had caused him significant and ongoing consternation.

He was a fast but sometimes muddled speaker, and a clearer (if sometimes stodgy) writer; he knew how to use more words than most, though he might not know how to spell all of them at any given time. He had a tendency to concatenate multiword nouns; whether this is was due to high school german class, or just lazy typing, none could say. He was noted both for his knowledge of trivia and his trivial knowledge. He tended to be either quite lazy or intensely active, with less time spent in between than most. He was honest, as he was completely hopeless at the alternative, though he was not entirely guileless. There was a certain charm in his occasional tactlessness, though not everyone saw it as such; he wasn't always a fan of it himself, given the trouble it sometimes caused. On occasion, he could be heard saying romantic things like "you're the kind of girl i will never forget, barring significant head trauma." Don't all message him at once, ladies.

He had a tendency to gravitate to the top of projects that held his attention, and his sometimes obsessive attention to detail stood in remarkable contrast to the disarray left in his wake (and in his basement). He was creative, once he had a framework to create within. He was funny in bursts. His musical tastes were not nearly as eclectic as those of most people, but his playlists generally met with approval from those who heard them. He had been told that he appreciated craftsmanship rather than art, but what this meant was anybody's guess, as far as he could tell.

Ultimately, he was a simple man, with simple needs, simple wants, and maybe even some simple goals. He didn't have much money, but he didn't have any debt, either; he had a roof over his head, plenty of food to eat, and a car with working air conditioning. Life was good, and now all he needed was someone to share it with.
What I’m doing with my life
I lead a simple life. I put in my 40 hours at a job that I love (most of the time); I practice (and teach) martial arts; I cook, I game, and sometimes, I even go outside (mostly hiking, sometimes biking or running). That's about it - and it's really, really nice. Even with all the ups and downs inherent to being human, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Work wise - I'm an in house PC technician, captive consultant, and jack of at least a few trades for a medium sized company in Chantilly. I answer questions, fix computers, maintain systems, train people, solve puzzles, and find better ways to get things done. I make other people's jobs easier by doing what comes naturally to me, which is all kinds of awesome. If I win the lottery on Tuesday, I'll be back in the office on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, but definitely Wednesday.

Wednesday, Friday, and on the occasional Monday, I can be found on the mats, teaching Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to kids age 4-14, and answering to "Coach Paul". A bad back has forced me to mostly stop my own training, but I can still work with the kids, which is frequently hilarious, occasionally awkward, and overall immensely rewarding.
I’m really good at
Not losing socks in the wash.
The first things people usually notice about me
I have been compared to a cassowary, for my shy nature and fruit heavy diet, and I have been likened to an onion, for my tendency to dress in layers. I've been told that I "speak clearly and don't smell like polygrip"; a salesman told me I talk fast, and an online gaming buddy tells me I have a great podcast voice. One friend said that she liked puns, till she met me. A ten year old told me I'd make a great Charles Xavier, but I think he just wants to put me in a wheelchair.

A coworker commented that my beard makes me look older. I told her that this changes everything.

During an awkward conversation about air horns, the men's room, and orbital mechanics, the new cleaning lady suggested that I am viewed as an authority figure by my coworkers simply by virtue of being a white, Anglo-Saxon male (so much for "because I'm good at my job"). I was hoping the first thing people noticed about me would be the bright shirts and goofy smile; apparently those all register somewhere after tool of the patriarchy.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The first thing I remember seeing in a theater was Winnie the Pooh, and the last was Green Lantern; I'd be hard pressed to name a dozen in between. I've sworn off projected images (too much eyestrain), but I do love watching ridiculous things at home. I'm pretty much always willing to watch Hunt For Red October, The Usual Suspects, Clue, Highlander, or Flash Gordon, but that is hardly unique. I have soft spots for action movies from the 80s, 90s movies based on video games (blame Raul Julia), and movies featuring villainous (and sometimes virtuous) puppets. A list of my specific favorites has to include Murder by Death, Dead Leaves, Onmyoji, Ashura, and Tokyo Zombie - the common thread in most of those comes as something of a surprise to me. Over the past few years I've determined that I have to watch movies with subtitles turned on (even in English!), which just might have something to do with it.

a short list of books, while i rewrite this section: candide, waiting for godot, planet of adventure, ringworld, conan.

my musical journey begins, as it does for most people, with my parents; from my mother, i got a taste for oldies (buddy holly, little richard, dave clark five, elvis) and classical, while my father instilled in me a lasting love of classic rock (queen, the who, pink floyd, led zeppelin, lynyrd skynyrd), which evolved to include the diaphonous category of "hard rock" (ac/dc, joan jett, van halen). in high school i found punk (the ramones, nofx, the vandals, sex pistols, the clash), new wave (devo, talking heads, b52s), and video game music (ocremix!), from which i started to move into electronic stuff (kraftwerk). more recently, i've gotten into power metal (helloween, gamma ray, edguy, nightwish, dark moor, dragonforce, Battle Beast, Sabaton, Ancient Bards), and from that worked backwards towards older heavy metal (iron maiden, judas priest, black sabbath, Dio). somewhere, early on, someone gave me a weird al tape; i still have an abiding love of novelty music and covers (the aforementioned al, dread zeppelin, frank zappa, pdq bach, me first and the gimme gimmes, hayseed dixie, corky and the juice pigs, the nutley brass). like anyone else, i have my guilty pleasures (meat loaf, the village people, synthpop). i like a bit of blues and bluegrass, especially when trying to sleep. i am helplessly fascinated by clever arrangements of the toccata and fugue in d minor, flight of the bumblebee, and pachelbel's canon: electric violin? marching band? a capella? happy hardcore? why not!

I have just become aware that I got through that entire cumbersome paragraph without mentioning the Reverend Horton Heat. Fortunately, this has now been rectified.

If you ask me if I am hungry, the answer is yes; if you ask me what I'm hungry for, the answer is pho. I'm also quite passionate about chocolate milk, peanut butter apples, and cheese.
Six things I could never do without
1: a clutch pedal.
2: a paring knife.
3: a beat.
4: a sense of humor.
5: a set of clippers.
6: a place to train.
7: structure, and a set of rules to follow.


I spend a lot of time thinking about
there are things i really do spend a lot of time thinking about; these should generally be self evident, especially if you've read the rest of this profile - food, work, martial arts, food, computer games, how long i'll be driving this car, exercise in general, and more food. but those don't tell you terribly much, and aren't in the slightest amusing (ha! ha! i listed food more than once! i'm hungry). therefore, we shall transition to a list of things that, in aggregate, represent how my brain occupies itself when not busy with the mundane:

Why I can see fine without my glasses on... until I put my glasses on.

Why Google maps thinks I can commute to work by riding my bike directly across Dulles Airport. Like, use the on-ramp as a jump to get over the fence, and race past the guy with the M4 at the far gate. Sorry Google, I'm just not that hardcore.

what the collective noun is for a group consisting of a bear, a tiger, a shark, and a rhinoceros.

Just what the hell Ronnie James Dio lyrics are supposed to mean.

Why there's a red hair (just one) in my beard. How did it get there? Is it lonely? Does it know that it's not like the brown, gray, blond, and clear hairs around it? Did all the recessive genes of my distant, minor Scots-Irish ancestry gather together to form one incredibly obstinate follicle?

Why the dog is so convinced that there is something VERY interesting in the cuff of my pants.

When exactly I forgot how to do long division, and whether or not this is a bad thing.

whether or not i'd get in trouble for painting grout lines on the "yellow brick road" safety path through the warehouse at work.

Why it's so much easier to fall asleep on a couch, rather than in a bed.

why my driver's license - issued on my 30th birthday, and valid till my 38th - has a picture from my 25th and lists details from my 18th.

what i would do without a boss who randomly rearranges my work area. where did this bookcase come from? where did my shelving go? what happened to my tools? why is my desk four feet farther forward than yesterday?

Why synthesizers make my face relax, and my brain explode.

why all my best ideas occur while i'm driving... and unable to write them down.

why people choose to travel, when there's so much neat stuff nearby.

why i STILL support a fleet of dos machines - and two running windows 3.1. at least i don't have to support the lantastic network they're on...

why OKCupid has decided to fill my quickmatch queue with married women.

why everybody forgot that reduce and reuse come before recycle.

Why the people who make boxes of assorted chocolates without maps to what's what are allowed to roam free.

ISO 8601. Seriously.

How to set my phone's notification sound to "FLASH! AH-AH!"

the nature of color vision. i don't mind being color blind in the slightest, but it certainly affects nearly every aspect of my life (at least when other people are involved), and thus... bears thinking about.

how much cooler the internet would be if we'd standarized on elaborate tiki masks, rather than simple smilies.

how it is that logic and the ability to reason are what set us apart from the animals, yet steadfastly ignoring them is what makes us so human.

what life would be like without comically protracted drum solos.

how much easier life was when martians looked like us, but in one piece jumpsuits and springy antennae.

why my sixth grade class has a facebook group.

Why this profile is so freaking long.

Why it's so hard to find a hymn with a decent breakdown section.

History, and prehistory; human evolution, and the evolution of the brain; who we are, how we got to be who we are, and where the line on "we" should be drawn.

Whether or not I'm actually as pretentious as I sound, or as rational as I like to think.
On a typical Friday night I am
Coming up with terrible ideas like "Lizzie Borden Took an Axe: a Rock Opera" and "more than just a concept album, a cutting edge art-rock journey deep inside the soul of the greatest conqueror the world has ever known - Genghis Prog!"

(otherwise I am gaming with my friends, reading wikipedia articles about biology, watching tv, cooking, playing with the dog, or telling anyone I can find about whatever amazing/ridiculous things the children said or did at class that evening)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have dreams about gluten, generally of the "oh crap, I shouldn't be eating this!" variety. It can be pretty distressing.

I have a fear of gas giants - mostly Jupiter and Neptune. I have not found this to negatively impact my lifestyle.

I recently realized that I'm a bit of an ageist. I'm working on fixing this.
You should message me if
You got this far, and you still need a reason? NOTHING above was sufficient excuse to start a conversation, but you're still thinking about it? Ok, here, pick one:

If you agree that all the best albums include credits for "left guitar" and "right guitar".

If you can walk like an ape, talk like an ape, and do what a monkey do.

If you know who put the bomp (in the bomp bobomp bobomp)... and why.

If you can pick up on the difference between obstinacy and bashfulness.

If you remember rock'n'roll radio.

If you'll tell me when I'm rambling, and need to stop talking.

If you're the operator of a pocket calculator.

If you can't hear Ruckzuck without immediately smiling at the thought of Newton's Apple and Ira Flatow.

If you've got a burning desire (and, presumably, ability) to teach me a language. Note to my Dutch friends: please stop offering to teach me English. Jerks.

If you want to point and laugh at ridiculously terrible match questions with me.

If you agree that "Lavatory Love Machine" was the greatest song of the 80s, despite being written in 2003.

If you've found a metal version of the Pastoral Symphony, or Spirit in the Sky arranged for pipe organ.

Most of all, if you take silliness seriously.

Addendum: I'm not actively looking for anything serious at the moment (though I'm not opposed to the idea, so don't be shy on that account). Definitely looking for new people to chat with while I pretend to work.
The two of us