probonohooker
46 Portland, United States
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probonohooker
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My self-summary
Call me Melania......

A succubus.

I'm looking for a friend with benefits without the friendship..

My glass is ALWAYS half empty. In fact I'm surprised I even have a glass.
Extremely myopic.
Drama loving.
Motorized scooter riding and LAZY.

Sometimes I get supervised visits with my kids. No, not conjugal.

No anal the first time we meet. I have rules.
What I’m doing with my life
What aren't I doing is more like it. Scratch offs, bottle returns and empty envelopes in bank machines!

Trapped in the payday loan cycle.

Chasing the dragon.

Stealing candy from babies.

Apologizing profusely when caught.
I’m really good at
Itching
Scratching
Kueefing (german spelling)
Humming
Watching reality TV.
Drama.
Stealing tips from tables and not getting caught.
Forging paystubs to get payday loans.
Finding a third.
The first things people usually notice about me
The aroma preceding my physical presence.

A purse made of recycled condoms.

That I have my hand in their pocket

My lazy eye.

That my vagina looks like ground beef.

The tattoo of an anus on my lower back.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Food: Velveeta
Movies: RapturePalooza
TV shows: ALF, Silver Spoons, Different Strokes (hahahaha)

Books: the book of common STD's at the free clinic, the hotel room nightstand book
Music: Carly Rae Jepson, anything by an American Idol Winner, especially that fat black guy.
The six things I could never do without
Your middle finger
Orange Oompa Loompas
Bail bonds
A pocket knife
A prepaid cell phone
Vagisil
Two in the pink one in the stink
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Whether or not I should confess to that murder in 1989....

If I should pop it or just leave it alone?
On a typical Friday night I am
Getting a payday loan.

Pretending to be someone else.

Sniffing the glove.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My license is revoked. My children all have different daddies. That wasn't the dog. Uncle Fred had his way with me and I will blame all of my shortcomings on that.

On a more serious note...I have had sex with two men named Janus.

Also, why spend money on Summers Eve between tricks when Dr Pepper does the trick?
You should message me if
You have running water.

If you say you are funny in your profile and it doesn't make me laugh, you aren't funny.
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