ratfink502
35 Royal Oak, United States
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ratfink502
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My self-summary
(The following is somewhat sarcastic. If you have no sense of humor, it may be good to leave now. )

The details of my life are very plain. My Dad went to Central Michigan University and met my Mom in the fall of 1978. They instantly fell in love and by December were happily married and have been ever since.

In June of 1979 my older brother Mike appeared. In 2004, whilst deployed onboard the submarine USS Hampton, they pulled into Scotland. There he met his wife. You know the rest. They're married and have four kids. Which means I'm an uncle! I have a funny little niece named Alix, and three nephews named Seth, Levi, and Noah. You can see them if you're friends with me on Facebook.

In June of 1981, after getting sick of trying to entertain my brother all by them self, they had me. I was a fussy baby, a angry teenager, and am now a maladjusted adult. After two years of being broke all the time while trying to pay for college the Navy seemed like a good idea. After 11 years of what Bubbles from the Trailer Park Boys would best describe as "fuckery", I had enough and got out. I was active duty from 2001 to 2012.

In November of 1984, my parents, as part of celebrating Reagan's reelection, decided it was time for another kid. So my little brother Nick was born. He got married in summer of 2010, in Egypt to an Egyptian princess. They have a kid named David. He's the biggest little guy you'll ever meet. He's also a mogram just like his father. They also now have a daughter, named Gina Beans. She's not a mogram.

In April of 1988, after the Old Bush won his term, my parents had yet another kid to celebrate. My little brother JD. He's a teacher, has a huge fro, and a wonderful girlfriend who makes awesome chocolate cake. She works at Disney, and looks like Snow White. I guess that makes him Prince Charming? Update! They're married and living in Florida!

Then, in November of 1991, my parents decided that in order to celebrate the 90s, they HAD to have another kid. YEAH! They finally got little girl! My sister Betzi. Because she grew up with four older brothers she's a bit crazier then most girls. Also, she can probably hold her own in a fight. So don't even try and tell her she dresses funny. I can do that, I'm bigger than her. But, if I bring you back to meet the rents, I don't want a wrestling match breaking out. That's why I had to break up with my last girlfriend. Well, that and she used to be a man. Try explaining THAT one to your grandma. (I'm obviously kidding, I'd never date a man. That's why Neil Patrick Harris, won't talk to me anymore.)

Anyway, I would describe myself as a horny dork who joined the Navy, sailed around the world, and is now trying to adjust to the whole "corporate world" of today. Seriously, I finally started working in IT in the civilian sector last summer. It's only interning, but still more pay then I was making stateside in the Navy. Also, waaaay less bullshit. It may be boring at times, but I'll take boring and stable these days. I've had my share of misadventures.

A brief history of my travels, I lived in Norfolk, Virginia up until 2008. I was there for about 6 years. The place sucks. Especially compared to San Diego. In 2009 I lived in Bahrain for 15 months. This was before the severe riots shut the country down. What you need to understand is that there have ALWAYS been riots there. Just not severe ones. In the summer of 2010 I decided to take orders to Djibouti, Africa. Worst place on Earth, and I'm going to leave it at that. I lived in San Diego for about year, it was wonderful however it was too expensive to continue living there after getting off Active Duty. I'm now back in MI, and probably will be until I graduate with my Bachelor's next year at this time. Then only God knows where I'll be going.

I hate fake people. If you are a Kardashian, please do the world a favor and get off the damn television.

What am I looking for? Well, obviously a cute girl next door type who will help me fight off the Raptors when they start frontin. Also, she needs to be good at hand to hand combat for the upcoming Zombie Invasion. Okay, seriously now. I'm looking for a girl who would describe herself as the girl next door with a bit of tomboy thrown in for good measure. I want a girl who's as comfortable wearing a dress and going to the opera, as she is wearing a babydoll t-shirt and a pair of jeans while going to punk rock show. I value honesty, someone who knows where they're going in life, maturity, a good sense of humor, big boobs and a nice ass. (I like women, that look like women. Feel free to eat around me.) Also, if she's into that whole Martha Stewart/Rachael Ray stuff that's a good thing too. Just because we're living in the 21st century doesn't mean guys don't want girls who have homemaking skills. (Also, if you can teach me to cook, that's a plus.)
Also excellent marksmanship with all NATO pact small arms is a plus. When The Walking Dead becomes reality, this will be an in demand skill. Knowledge of explosive devices is also a good thing. As are basic First Aid skills. An ability to speak Spanish is a plus, as is coding experience. Also, whoever you are, being a biological female is a mandatory requirement. I don't have anything against transexuals, just not interested in them in that way.
What I’m doing with my life
Done with the Navy after 11 years and moving on with life. Trying to finish up a degree at U of M Flint, and waiting for Blackboard to load. I'm actually doing my second internship with Flagstar Bank this summer. I'm an IT intern, working with Application Support. It's similar to what I was doing in the Navy. Ultimately, I'm looking at working my way into senior management. It may take a few years though, but I'm still youngish.
I’m really good at
Filling out these online profiles that I doubt 95% of the people on here actually read until the end. I'm also good at memorizing random car trivia facts. I'm also really good at wearing pants and shirts, using silverware, and getting crumbs all over the goddamn carpet!
The first things people usually notice about me
My sense of humor. If they are nice people, my large forehead or my eyes. I've been told I have sexy eyes. Perhaps my smile. If they're not nice people, than it's probably the fact that I look like I could a mafia enforcer for the Russian Mob. I just need my tracksuit and a gold chain. Wait, I already have the track suit.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like very much the music of Korky Bouchek. You know Korky Bouchek? Seriously, I listen to just about anything. It just has to have a good beat, and decent lyrics. And you have to be able to dance to it. Twerking is not dancing. Swing dancing is dancing.

TV Shows: They must have a good plot. I'm currently making my way through Mad Men. I also enjoy The Twilight Zone, Star Trek, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Sons of Anarchy, Frasier, Cheers, Quantum Leap, Life on Mars, MacGyver, KnightRider, The A-Team, Nash Bridges, The Dukes of Hazzard,How I Met Your Mother, and stuff like that.

Movies: I will pretty much watch anything. Especially if I've been drinking. So I will mention my favorite directors here. Stanley Kubrick, Quentin Tarrentino, Stephen Speilberg, George Lucas, Kevin Smith, J. J. Abrams, and Guy Richie.
The six things I could never do without
Family
Friends
Food
Water
Oxygen
Technology
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why the hell we're deciding between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump? America, I am dissapoint.
On a typical Friday night I am
Defending Michigan from Zombies, Ninjas, or Vampires. Damn ninjas! Or I may be killing Nazis, or perhaps running a organized crime family. Perhaps I'm making a name for myself on alien planet? I'm a gamer.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I've eaten snails, balut, chicken feet. I was visiting the Phillipines and when I was there I ate them. Balut was probably the most interesting thing. Chicken feet are okay, but very gammy. The meat is tough and stringy. That's why I like my chicken like I like my women, with large breasts and drumsticks!
You should message me if
You really want to, and only if you can with my deeply developed sense of humor. If this doesn't sound like you then go fuck yourself. You're probably better at it anyway. (Bonus points if you can name that movie, and who said it. Winner gets ice cream!) There are over six billion people in the world, I'm sure at least ONE female out there wants this. Hopefully she's not hanging out with Piper Chapman. Already had to deal with enough crazy women when I was in the Navy. Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!
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