38Tampa, United States
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My self-summary
I've been a vegetarian since I was three, which I view as an early sign of my genius. I'm awesome at those number puzzles where you slide the numbers in order, 1-15. I excel at grammar, punctuation, and parallel sentence structure, but I suck at spelling. I always win Trivial Pursuit (even when playing against people from Harvard (does that mean I should automatically be accepted to Harvard? Probably) and even when playing against all my students (does that mean I have the intelligence of 35 15-year-olds, which combined makes me the equivalent (intellectually) of a 525-year-old? Probably)).
What I’m doing with my life
Right now--and, let's face it, probably forever (unless I get fired for saying something politically inappropriate)--I'm a high school English teacher.

What my students say about me:

"Ms [Rocketlettuce] is hilarious. Just her charm and jokes make me laugh so hard...I try and pay attention to her jokes so I can re-tell them later."

"She is like the wiseman that Rumi spoke of in his writing, and her students are her half-wise, only wishing they were as wise as she."

"I really think she is a genius (and not just because she told us she is)."

Here are some of their poems they wrote when I was absent from school:

English equals love / [Rocketlettuce] equals English / [Rocketlettuce] is love

Today you were not here /
Your students shed many a tear /
We miss your face, your love, your soul, /
[Rocketlettuce], for whom does the bell toll? /
For you, but that is not all, /
Though great is that bell's call /
For you, across the clear blue sky, /
The sun does also rise.

(This poem goes on, utilizing both The Old Man in the Sea and A Farewell to Arms, but the Main Idea is that I'm wonderful)

I’m really good at
Condensing Shakespeare's great play Hamlet into banal limericks. Prepare to be amazed:

Polonius was constantly spying /
To Hamlet he always was lying /
So Hamlet said "fuck it" /
And "dead for a ducat; /
It's only a Rat that is dying"

There are many more where that came from.

The first things people usually notice about me
I don't have an answer for this question, so I will instead present you with a play I just wrote entitled 5th Period:

Setting: A classroom filled with high school seniors in the prestigious International Baccalaureate Programme

Act One of One

Teacher: Ok guys, pay attention because this form you need to fill out is very important for graduation. On the top line, in all capital letters, write your last name, then a comma, and then your first name.

Student #1: Ms [Rocketlettuce], is it okay if we write our last name and then our first name?

Teacher: Yes, in fact, that is what you are supposed to do.

Student #2: What if we write our first name first. Is that okay?

Teacher: Once again: you need to write your last name, then a comma, then your first name, all in capital letters.

Student #3: I have a question: if we put our first name first, is that wrong?

Student #4: Hello student 3!? Haven't you been listening?? Now Ms [Rocketlettuce], before I write this, do I need to use all caps?


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
(a)All of Jane Austen (except Mansfield Park); Mules and Men; The Sorrows of Young Werther; Harry Potter. Actually, the truth is, I prefer non-fiction. Like Richard Dawkins, Carl Sagan, and...Harry Potter was true, right?

b)It's hard to name favorites, but I can say with certainty that I will not enjoy a movie in which an actor deals with an emotionally-charged situation by splashing water on his face, then staring at his reflection pensively in the mirror. Or any movie with Julia Stiles. If ever a movie is created in which Julia stiles splashes water on her face, let that day be my last.

(c)Bob Dylan, The Beatles (esp. George), and other stuff I got bored of this question.

Six things I could never do without
1)My pets


3)Robert Rauschenberg - I have the biggest crush on him even though he is in his 80s and in a wheelchair. And gay, though I don't see that as our love's greatest barrier. Ok, maybe the fact that now he's dead is the greatest barrier.



6)graveyards - but I want to be cremated; I have an unnatural fear of being buried alive ever since seeing the movie Haunted Honeymoon, which allegedly is, I have since discovered, a comedy.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Killing people who misuse reflexive pronouns. I wouldn't have to think about it so much if people didn't insist on doing it every day. This does not bother me as an English teacher (besides, I teach literature); this bothers me as a human being.
On a typical Friday night I am
Lip-synching, using my hairbrush as a microphone.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My secret to winning Trivial Pursuit. The secret is knowing the answers to the hardest category: sports. Here I have compiled for you the most frequently occuring answers in the category. If you study this cheat sheet no one will be able to beat you! Except me, of course, but there you had no chance anyway.

If the question asks for a
Player: Wayne Gretzky;
Trophy: Stanley Cup

If the question asks for a player who is
Old: Wilt Chamberlain;
Crazy: Dennis Rodman;
White: Larry Bird

If the question asks for a
Male: Pele;
Female: Mia Hamm;
Husband of Posh Spice: David Beckham

If the question asks for a player who is/was
Really good: Babe Ruth; Married to Marilyn Monroe: Joe DiMaggio; Diseased: Lou Gherig

If the questions asks for a
Good team: The 49ers; Good Quarterback: Joe Montana; Native American: Jim Thorpe

And thank you to iridiumx77 for adding this astute advice which I know to be true: "If you are playing with the Genus 5 cards: ignore all previous advice--it's always the Dallas Cowboys."

If it's not Tiger Woods, I guess either Jack Nicklaus or that other guy--whichever name I can remember at the time. So for example, if this were an actual game now, I would guess Jack Nicklaus.

The two of us