In 8th grade, to combat a rumor that my best friend and I were dating, we successfully convinced everyone I was betrothed to an Argentine princess, knowing full well Argentina had neither a monarchy nor a custom of arranged marriages. I like all dogs more than most people. Pumpkin is the best flavor ever. Mail-kimp. I love flying but usually drink before boarding to make take-off easier. I think Andrew Christian is just fucking with us. I often zone out, even mid-conversation. It's nothing personal. Sports are just millionaires throwing balls at each other. Ravenclaw in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets. I'm convinced it's impossible to dislike "The Sign" by Ace of Base*. It's my go-to karaoke song. Given my lifetime of traveling, bilingualism, and years of studying the show, I genuinely think I could win The Amazing Race. Cats are smug. I'm convinced I was the inspiration for the side-eye emoji. I think what the gay community is really missing is a classy martini bar called "Cocktails." I get headaches later in the day if I haven't had enough coffee. I know every line from Clue. I will randomly live tweet inconsequential television events. I've been described as "smart," "funny," and "still here?" Birds get INFINITELY more awesome for me every time I remember they're dinosaurs. I hate everyone standing between me and the exit of the Metro (JUST WALK!). Grande soy latte. I like cooking for other people. I love men with accents. I once drove 5 hours for a Blondie concert. It was free. I can't think of anyone I despise more in modern American government than anti-gay, closeted politicians. I'm not pissed off...that's just how my face is. I love few things more than podcasts and television. I like peppermint and butterscotch but hate mint and scotch. UPDATE: I'm beginning to warm up to both mint and scotch. I pride myself on my ability to shoot tequila without a chaser. I like to play music when taking a shower and watch TV when I write. My cocktail of choice is a Grey Goose and soda with a lime wedge. I hate when people with smart phones write in text speak, overriding the autocorrect that would spell the words properly. Daylight Savings Time is just stupid. I'm exceedingly happy for WAY too long when my music is on shuffle, but it plays the exact song I wanted to hear at that moment. I think people who say I only voted for Obama because he's black only voted for McCain and Romney because they're white. I love both of my brothers equally, but one of them kind of sucks. I don't want kids. Perez Hilton is the worst. I don't care for drag. I think Glee started going downhill with the Lady Gaga episode. I still say Pluto is a planet. I loved Chip 'n' Dale as a kid. Aaron Schock is gorgeous, and I'm kind of glad he resigned in disgrace.
My pet peeve: When people say "Happy (day of the week)" or "hump day." You're not the first one to jokingly message me that phrase anyway, thinking it's cute.
DEAL BREAKER: If your profile says you're "straight." I'm not going to sleep with you while your girlfriend is out of town, and I'm not going to masturbate on camera for you. Seriously. I'm really surprised that this happens so often, but apparently, it needs a disclaimer. Y'all need Jesus.
Also a deal breaker: if, in that one question, you said the Earth is bigger than the sun. I mean, really!? Also, no juggalos.
I love this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rZq8PUEQBo
*UPDATE: I recently found someone who does not like that song. She was born after it came out, though.
Besides that, I'm waiting for the day when Björk, Stevie Nicks, Kate Bush, Madonna, and Debbie Harry do a song together, because I'm pretty sure that would be the greatest song in history.
Drinking all the throwing wine.
Also, I'm funny. Not hour-long stand-up funny. I'm more like Twitter-funny, which is another way of saying "not funny."
Olympic sports I would be awesome at: freestyle wine, hypothetical basketball, competitive judging, synchronized Sudoku, coffee decathlon, rhythmic Madonna, side-eye biathlon.
Movies: Clue, Casablanca, Bridesmaids, Love Actually, Anything by Quentin Tarantino or Christopher Nolan, Zoolander, Anchorman, really terrible horror/thrillers that were barely released in theaters but are on Netflix
Music: Blondie (all time favorite. I've seen them in concert 5 times). Other top contenders: Haim (their debut album is almost 100% perfect), Kendrick Lamar, KT Tunstall, Madonna, Scissor Sisters, Shakira, Selena, Fleetwood Mac, Rilo Kiley. I also like Lil Kim, Biggie Smalls, and Marina and the Diamonds. I'm starting to get into Taylor Swift, Kate Bush, Ed Sheeran, Pink, Beyonce, Maroon 5, and Kiley Minogue these days.
Food: Argentinean, Brazilian, Italian, Chinese, Japanese. I love food so much. I'm sad that I haven't been able to find a good enchilada or margarita since I left LA. If you want to woo me, just take me to a nice dinner. Ethiopian is DELICIOUS but makes for a terrible first date meal. Oh, and I have this weird thing where I HATE sour cream, ranch, and mayo. It's only a coincidence that they're all white condiments.
TV: Current favorites are The Walking Dead, Shameless, and Game of Thrones. All-time faves are 30 Rock, The West Wing, and Grey's Anatomy. Other great shows: Happy Endings (canceled too soon), Scandal, How to Get Away With Murder, Veep, New Girl, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Weeds, Anything with an alcoholic sidekick (Cybill, Will & Grace, Absolutely Fabulous, etc), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks and Recreation, How I Met Your Mother (except the last, like, 3 minutes of the finale), and Friends (I've seen every episode a dozen times, and I watch the reruns whenever they're on). It's weirdly important to me that you like quality television.
Also, the Nisha call.
2) My patronus is a dementor.
3) I sometimes make up a third thing when listing stuff.
BONUS! One time, I saw a guy answered this question by writing "i literally ben touch by a angle." I spent several minutes laughing about it.
You're ready to hear my theories about Hermione's greatest fear, Neville's real role in the prophecy, how the prophecy is self-fulfilling and made Harry immortal, and how the obstacles protecting the Sorcerer's Stone parallel the protections on Voldemort's horcruxes.