I uploaded new pics! Continue reading for the explanation as to why this is worthy of taking note.
OK Cupid used to have awards for awesome profiles. They don't anymore, and it has taken a good 5 years to get this masterpiece together. Of COURSE after it's finished they take them away. Thanks, Obama.
I think it's unfortunate OKC doesn't have "Fat Bitch" as an option under "diet".
I should put a disclaimer here and let you all know I am HORRIBLE at responding to messages. I run a restaurant, so my job is very demanding, and after 10 years of my life seeing myself and a lot of the SAME people still searching for their specials someones, I'm very cynical and not very motivated to urgently respond to your message. I will get to you, just a matter of time, so I'm sorry. Please, bear with me.
It's a good thing I'm funny. I'm certainly not attractive. I've been single for the better part of 4 years, mostly of my own volition, and I'm not entirely embittered yet. I'm hoping I'll come around soon and realize this is all just a waste of my time. Here's to hoping!
My pictures are old. I'm DEFINITELY fatter now. Like, beached whale fat. Sea Cow fat, even. But I'm okay with that. One day I'll put up a new pic. Still healthy though. I just started exercising again after a 4 year break to drink. Totally not kidding, I found Traverse City and the wine it holds. I've spent the last 4 years drinking, tasting, and enjoying the beautiful thing that is Michigan Wine and Craft beer. Yep, I'm "that guy". whatever the fuck that means.
Science says people who fucking swear more are more fucking attractive. I must have a huge fuck-to-attractiveness debt ratio because I'm still single, and while physical attractiveness shouldn't be someone's main priority, I'm smart enough to know it's a big deal. The only person who has a problem with the way I look is you, sweetie. I'm going to go eat a brownie and have a glass of Chardy, you come back when you aren't a shallow cock.
If your "go-to" beer is Bud Light, don't bother to continue reading. You're already dead to me.
ENTJ, if you give a shit.
I'd put something dumb here like "I like to laugh and have fun", but really, I shouldn't have to--you should know.
I consider myself a "Safe Haven". I have a lot people who approach me with their problems and I offer advice in addition to being a sounding board. Sometimes that is all you need in life is someone to hear you out and offer an unbiased point of view. So please, if you're looking for help, feel free to reach out to me.
In my free time I'm either with friends or spending time with my little brother, niece, and nephew. They're all close in age, I try to spend 1 sunday a month doing something really cool with them.
Being friendly :) I love talking to people. I am very outgoing.
I've often been told I should be a life coach. Apparently I am good at giving advice, but to me it's all common sense so I don't get it. I am all about helping people, but I don't think I want to make it a profession. - After lots of personally deliberation, I've decided to start looking into how I can help other people. You would be surprised what people struggle with, and how open they are with me about it.
REALLY good at being single...yep. Been doing that a while now.
They also notice I am still single and literally the only person in my family who is not dating someone or engaged. I'm also the only faggot, so that makes the conversations that much more awkward. And I mean this seriously, most of my profile is farce and fun for everyone's enjoyment...this entire line is true. I am bombarded at every fuck family party about "who am I seeing?". It's usually the first question they ask and it's god damn annoying.
That's your hint.
Being single. Surprise, surprise.
Right now it's working, I usually work saturday. I'm always up for dinner and/or a movie and/or a drink and/or a small roadtrip and/or breaking international law....oh see what I did there?(Just kiddin FBI don't taze me bro!)
Overall, I'm more likely to hang out on a Saturday night.
I recently updated my profile and I felt it did not have enough "fucks' in it. I subsequently added a plethora of fucks. We are, after all, in a fuck shortage.
is I'm willing to admit I have private things :D
And no you cannot have them!!
I firmly believe the word "Vagina" is the one of funniest words in the English Language and I do anything I can to ensure its use in my daily vocabulary. I am not ashamed by this nor do I make any apologies, I don't care how immature or unprofessional it may seem. All I can say is, don't be a vagina about it.
Also, I am REALLY good with names and faces, like CREEPY good. Like I saw your profile ONCE, with your picture, and 6 years later I come back to it and I still remember your name that you typed because this was your first time on a dating website and you were really naive and optimistic about your prospects. Now you're just a bitter whore, but I still recognize that smile and the way your eyebrow raises when your best friend takes that suprise picture of you that you're not prepared for and you're like "WTF Bestie??" and she's like "STFU Fag post it on OKC lololol" and you're like "OKAY BEST IDEA EVAR THAT'S WHY UR MY BESTIE LULZ!!!".
Seriously though, it's creepy.
I am the oldest Male member of my Family. We Whitmores die young. I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2014, my grandmother(moms) in 2013 to everything because god save her, she was an alcoholic chain smoker, my Grandfather(moms) in 2008 to 80 years of age, and my father in 2007 to diabeetus. I lost my Grandmother(dad) to Lung Cancer in 1991, and my Grandfather(dads) to a boating accident in 1967, 17 years before I was born. None of these deaths have embittered me, but I think it's important you know I do not fear death., and even more so , I'll probably only live until 50, so you sir, are running out time to get to know me.
Please do NOT message me if you look like the Unabomber or Timothy McVeigh. Or Donald Trump. Of if you know who any of those people are. Better yet, don't message me. I can't handle the anxiety of composing a response.
If you are moving forward in life at a moderate pace, and are looking for some company.
"I enjoy long walks on the beach, talking, and other general mediocre activities that are extremely unsuccessful at getting into your pants."
It should be very obvious to you that I am NOT concerned with embarrassing myself. I mean, I leave my house every day so at some point you acclimate.
I sincerely hope you found my profile amusing. I love writing and being funny in particular, and I hardly ever have the opportunity to express. OKCupid is my canvas, and you are my little mice.
Test mice, if you didn't get the reference...