32Westland, United States
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My self-summary
Darren Criss is my ideal Husband. Until I find a way to make that happen, I am.

I am seriously looking for a long term relationship. I find our community is very prejudiced against itself in this regard and it is really frustrating. We all want LTRs but none of us want LTRs. I consider myself an exception to this rule and I am truly interested in meeting and engaging with people. Hiding behind a computer is not one of my strengths so I like to meet early and often. Those who don't share that value need not apply.

OK Cupid used to have awards for awesome profiles. They don't anymore, and it has taken a good 5 years to get this masterpiece together. Of COURSE after it's finished they take them away. Thanks, Obama.

I think it's unfortunate OKC doesn't have "Fat Bitch" as an option under "diet".

I should put a disclaimer here and let you all know I am HORRIBLE at responding to messages. I run a restaurant, so my job is very demanding. I will get to you, just a matter of time, so I'm sorry. Please, bear with me. *Do you think, this paragraph, has, enough, commas, already?*

It's a good thing I'm funny. I'm certainly not attractive. I've been single for the better part of 4 years, mostly of my own volition, and I'm not entirely embittered yet. I'm hoping I'll come around soon and realize this is all just a waste of my time. Here's to hoping!

My pictures are old. I'm DEFINITELY fatter now. Like, beached whale fat. Sea Cow fat, even. But I'm okay with that. One day I'll put up a new pic. Still healthy though. I just started exercising again after a 4 year break to drink. Totally not kidding, I found Traverse City and the wine it holds. I've spent the last 4 years drinking, tasting, and enjoying the beautiful thing that is Michigan Wine and Craft beer. Yep, I'm "that guy". whatever the fuck that means.

Science says people who fucking swear more are more fucking attractive. I must have a huge fuck-to-attractiveness debt ratio because I'm still single, and while physical attractiveness shouldn't be someone's main priority, I'm smart enough to know it's a big deal. The only person who has a problem with the way I look is you, sweetie. I'm going to go eat a brownie and have a glass of Chardy, you come back when you aren't a shallow cock.

If your "go-to" beer is Bud Light, don't bother to continue reading. You're already dead to me....yes this is my deal breaker. Now wipe those tears from your face and move on before you embarrass yourself, Debbie.

ENTJ, if you give a shit.

I'd put something dumb here like "I like to laugh and have fun", but really, I shouldn't have to--you should know.

I consider myself a "Safe Haven". I have a lot people who approach me with their problems and I offer advice in addition to being a sounding board. Sometimes that is all you need in life is someone to hear you out and offer an unbiased point of view. So please, if you're looking for help, feel free to reach out to me.
What I’m doing with my life
I spent a large portion of my life working in Fast Food. Now I work in Fast Casual. Still food, but the hours and pay are better. I love my job and the company I work for, i wouldn't trade either of them for the world!

In my free time I'm either with friends or spending time with my little brother, niece, and nephew. They're all close in age, and since I am the oldest male member of my family I feel I have an obligation to keep us all together.

I also watch a LOT of Glee. I know, it's over. Some of their song interpretations however, are indescribably perfect.
I’m really good at
Managing a Business. I love it.
Being friendly :) I love talking to people. I am very outgoing.

I've often been told I should be a life coach. Apparently I am good at giving advice, but to me it's all common sense so I don't get it. I am all about helping people, but I don't think I want to make it a profession. - After lots of personally deliberation, I've decided to start looking into how I can help other people. You would be surprised what people struggle with, and how open they are with me about it.

REALLY good at being single...yep. Been doing that a while now.
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm very bright, both in personality and intelligence. Most people get annoyed because I ask too many questions. I love to know how things work or why they work the way they do.

They also notice I am still single and literally the only person in my family who is not dating someone or engaged. I'm also the only faggot, so that makes the conversations that much more awkward. And I mean this seriously, most of my profile is farce and fun for everyone's enjoyment...this entire line is true. I am bombarded at every fuck family party about "who am I seeing?". It's usually the first question they ask and it's god damn annoying.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
There are more stars in all the cosmos than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of earth.

That's your hint.
Six things I could never do without
I could certainly never go without a fuck. I tend to give out a lot of fucks to a lot of people. No one ever has any, and I feel obligated to hand them out. It's my contribution to society.

I could go without a lot. Really. Aside from the obvious. What I find intolerable these days a lack of companionship. I've been single for a while now(if i haven't mentioned it yet), and while I like that freedom I believe my life is too awesome to spend alone. I'd love someone to share that with.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I'm all for people discovering who they are and living their life, but IMHO the gender spectrum is just out of control. There are too many options, I can't follow it anymore. If you try to explain it to me, I'll probably fall asleep. And yes, that sounds insensitive...because it is. Fuck you and your fucking gender spectrum. When someone told me they were 'pansexual' I literally replied with "So you're attracted to bakeware?". That's how I feel about all of it. So take that noise somewhere else, please. Do you like penis? Do you like vagina? It's a yes or no. Get yourselves together, people...

Being single. Surprise, surprise.
On a typical Friday night I am
I was gifted a Piano not too long ago. I am not an accomplished player but I know a few tunes and it is a passion of mine to know more. I trained myself to play what I do and it is the ultimate relaxing activity after a long week.

Right now it's working, I usually work saturday. I'm always up for dinner and/or a movie and/or a drink and/or a small roadtrip and/or breaking international law....oh see what I did there?(Just kiddin FBI don't taze me bro!)

Overall, I'm more likely to hang out on a Saturday night.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Can you tell i have no filter?

I recently updated my profile and I felt it did not have enough "fucks' in it. I subsequently added a plethora of fucks. We are, after all, in a fuck shortage.

I firmly believe the word "Vagina" is the one of funniest words in the English Language and I do anything I can to ensure its use in my daily vocabulary. I am not ashamed by this nor do I make any apologies, I don't care how immature or unprofessional it may seem. All I can say is, don't be a vagina about it.

Also, I am REALLY good with names and faces, like CREEPY good. Like I saw your profile ONCE, with your picture, and 6 years later I come back to it and I still remember your name that you typed because this was your first time on a dating website and you were really naive and optimistic about your prospects. Now you're just a bitter whore, but I still recognize that smile and the way your eyebrow raises when your best friend takes that suprise picture of you that you're not prepared for and you're like "WTF Bestie??" and she's like "STFU Fag post it on OKC lololol" and you're like "OKAY BEST IDEA EVAR THAT'S WHY UR MY BESTIE LULZ!!!".

Seriously though, it's creepy.
You should message me if
This profile is very indicative of my sense of humor, if you aren't getting it you won't get me. If you get offended easily, we're probably better off not getting to know one another. Sarcasm is my second language.

If you are moving forward in life at a moderate pace, and are looking for some company.

"I enjoy long walks on the beach, talking, and other general mediocre activities that are extremely unsuccessful at getting into your pants."

It should be very obvious to you that I am NOT concerned with embarrassing myself. I mean, I leave my house every day so at some point you acclimate.

I sincerely hope you found my profile amusing. I love writing and being funny in particular, and I hardly ever have the opportunity to express. OKCupid is my canvas, and you are my little mice.
The two of us