I uploaded new pics! Continue reading for the explanation as to why this is worthy of taking note.
OK Cupid used to have awards for awesome profiles. They don't anymore, and it has taken a good 5 years to get this masterpiece together. Of COURSE after it's finished they take them away. Thanks, Obama.
I think it's unfortunate OKC doesn't have "Fat Bitch" as an option under "diet".
I should put a disclaimer here and let you all know I am HORRIBLE at responding to messages. I run a restaurant, so my job is very demanding, and after 10 years of my life seeing myself and a lot of the SAME people still searching for their specials someones, I'm very cynical and not very motivated to urgently respond to your message. I will get to you, just a matter of time, so I'm sorry. Please, bear with me.
It's a good thing I'm funny. I'm certainly not attractive. I've been single for the better part of 4 years, mostly of my own volition, and I'm not entirely embittered yet. I'm hoping I'll come around soon and realize this is all just a waste of my time. Here's to hoping!
My pictures are old. I'm DEFINITELY fatter now. Like, beached whale fat. Sea Cow fat, even. But I'm okay with that. One day I'll put up a new pic. Still healthy though. I just started exercising again after a 4 year break to drink. Totally not kidding, I found Traverse City and the wine it holds. I've spent the last 4 years drinking, tasting, and enjoying the beautiful thing that is Michigan Wine and Craft beer. Yep, I'm "that guy". whatever the fuck that means.
Science says people who fucking swear more are more fucking attractive. I must have a huge fuck-to-attractiveness debt ratio because I'm still single, and while physical attractiveness shouldn't be someone's main priority, I'm smart enough to know it's a big deal. The only person who has a problem with the way I look is you, sweetie. I'm going to go eat a brownie and have a glass of Chardy, you come back when you aren't a shallow cock.
If your "go-to" beer is Bud Light, don't bother to continue reading. You're already dead to me.
ENTJ, if you give a shit.
I'd put something dumb here like "I like to laugh and have fun", but really, I shouldn't have to--you should know.
I am VERY sarcastic. It's actually held me back in my job because I come off as a supreme dick to my employees.
In my free time I'm either with friends or spending time with my little brother, niece, and nephew. They're all close in age, I try to spend 1 sunday a month doing something really cool with them.
Being friendly :) I love talking to people. I am very outgoing.
I've often been told I should be a life coach. Apparently I am good at giving advice, but to me it's all common sense so I don't get it. I am all about helping people, but I don't think I want to make it a profession.
REALLY good at being single...yep. Been doing that a while now.
They also notice I am still single and literally the only person in my family who is not dating someone or engaged. I'm also the only faggot, so that makes the conversations that much more awkward. And I mean this seriously, most of my profile is farce and fun for everyone's enjoyment...this entire line is true. I am bombarded at every fuck family party about "who am I seeing?". It's usually the first question they ask and it's god damn annoying.
That's your hint.
All set? Good, I'll continue.
Not just any straight guy, but guys who I work with and who become my friends. I then spend the next 6 months teetering the line on "are they just being nice or are they genuinely attracted to me?" and then ultimately I ruin it by admitting my feelings or by performing the classic "kiss him when he's drunk" bit. I then spend the next year or two living as an idiot in regret because I can't control my emotions and after 20 years I still let myself see what I want to see rather than what is true. So I'm the reason we can't have straight friends. Sorry guys. Yes, this is real, and a result of a very recent example.
I'm all for people discovering who they are and living their life, but IMHO the gender spectrum is just out of control. There are too many options, I can't follow it anymore. If you try to explain it to me, I'll probably fall asleep. And yes, that sounds insensitive...because it is. Fuck you and your fucking gender spectrum. When someone told me they were 'pansexual' I literally replied with "So you're attracted to bakeware?". That's how I feel about all of it. So take that noise somewhere else, please. Do you like penis? Do you like vagina? It's a yes or no. Get yourselves together, people...
Being single. Surprise, surprise.
Overall, I'm more likely to hang out on a Saturday night.
is I'm willing to admit I have private things :D
And no you cannot have them!!
I firmly believe the word "Vagina" is the one of funniest words in the English Language and I do anything I can to ensure its use in my daily vocabulary. I am not ashamed by this nor do I make any apologies, I don't care how immature or unprofessional it may seem. All I can say is, don't be a vagina about it.
Also, I am REALLY good with names and faces, like CREEPY good. Like I saw your profile ONCE, with your picture, and 6 years later I come back to it and I still remember your name that you typed because this was your first time on a dating website and you were really naive and optimistic about your prospects. Now you're just a bitter whore, but I still recognize that smile and the way your eyebrow raises when your best friend takes that suprise picture of you that you're not prepared for and you're like "WTF Bestie??" and she's like "STFU Fag post it on OKC lololol" and you're like "OKAY BEST IDEA EVAR THAT'S WHY UR MY BESTIE LULZ!!!".
Seriously though, it's creepy.
I am the oldest Male member of my Family. We Whitmores die young. I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2014, my grandmother(moms) in 2013 to everything because god save her, she was an alcoholic chain smoker, my Grandfather(moms) in 2008 to 80 years of age, and my father in 2007 to diabeetus. I lost my Grandmother(dad) to Lung Cancer in 1991, and my Grandfather(dads) to a boating accident in 1967, 17 years before I was born. None of these deaths have embittered me, but I think it's important you know I do not fear death.
Reminder: Still single.*hint hint*
This profile is very indicitive of my sense of humor, if you aren't getting it you won't get me. If you get offended easily, we're probably better off not getting to know one another. Sarcasm is my second language.
Please do NOT message me if you look like the Unabomber or Timothy McVeigh. Or Donald Trump. Of if you know who any of those people are. Better yet, don't message me. I can't handle the anxiety.
If you are moving forward in life at a moderate pace, and are looking for some company.
"I enjoy long walks on the beach, talking, and other general mediocre activities that are extremely unsuccessful at getting into your pants."
I sincerely hope you found my profile amusing. I love writing and being funny in particular, and I hardly ever have the opportunity to express. OKCupid is my canvas, and you are my little mice.
Test mice, if you didn't get the reference...