shakeyourtail
31 Des Moines, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
shakeyourtail
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I feel like it's kind of weird to be on a journey of self-discovery when you're 30 but that's kind of where I'm at. For a lot of my life I've been doing that thing where you latch onto the interests of people around you and don't really have an identity outside of that. About a year and a half ago, I got sober and in doing so realized that I didn't know much about myself anymore!

So here's what I've got so far: I'm an aging punk rocker who doesn't really go to shows anymore but still orbits around the punk sphere. Growing up punk and "different" is something that really defined my life and I don't really feel like I can connect with a person unless they've felt themselves to be on the outside looking in.

I'm an incredibly cerebral person and have the tendency to veer off into daydreams a lot. I also think too much about everything. Once my friend was bartending and it was this beautiful winter day and snowing outside and the Bing Crosby pandora station was on and, me being me, I sit down and say "Bing Crosby beat his kids." That's kind of my essence boiled down into one instance. At times I find it hard to enjoy things because I know too much about how the world sucks! I'm trying to be better about this though.

Like, I'm kind of what it would be like if Daria were a real person?

Anyway, I'm also goofy as fuck and turn everything into amusing anecdotes and can be quite the storyteller. I love just sitting around and talking with people and trying to top each other's ridiculous stories. Like how when my dad died he didn't want to use a funeral home so we drove his dead body in a coffin across 3 state lines in the back of my uncle's minivan and we parked him overnight in a Holiday Inn parking lot. True story. If you can't find humor in face of tragedy then I don't know what to tell you.

I spend a lot of time alone and read voraciously and watch nerdy shows on the CW while cross stitching or doing embroidery and hang out with my grandma and play BINGO and go to thrift stores all the time.

I don't drink and don't want to spend a lot of time in bars because it is just about the most useless thing I can think of doing and I spent my entire 20s glued to a bar stool. If you like to party or whatever, I'm too old and tired for you!
What I’m doing with my life
I'm teaching and tutoring at community colleges. I tutor little kids too. I have 3 jobs and it can get kind of hectic at times!

I also run my own business (errr have an etsy store) where I resell stuff that I find at thrift stores. I have a special talent for picking out random things that end up being worth a lot of money. I just sold a really worn out Lisa Frank towel from the 90s for $40!
I’m really good at
Thrifting!

Teaching.

Hanging out with kids.

Picking things up with my toes.

Writing literary criticism.

Remembering the lyrics to every crappy song ever.

Karaoke.

Dancing like a doofus.
The first things people usually notice about me
Freckles.

Tattoos. Specifically my leg sleeve. It's really bright and I'm constantly getting stopped on the street so people can look at it. Or my horrible batman tattoo because people think I have some sort of gaping wound on the top of my foot.

Big cheesy smile.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Edgar Allan Poe (always and forever). Teen horror novels from the 90s. Shitty pulp fiction paperbacks. Books written by women. Carrie Brownstein's Autobiography. The Expanse series. Anne of Green Gables.

I read a ton and reading is very important to me. My goal is to read 150 books this year. If you wanna see what I'm reading you can check this out: www.goodreads.com/shakeyourtail

Movies: Back to the Future, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Princess Bride, Ed Wood, MST3K, Pretty much everything John Carpenter ever touched. I don't do new horror movies unless its throwback to the 70s and 80s. I'm big into camp and B Movies and Roger Corman is really cool and Rock N' Roll High School is one of my favorites because Riff Randall is such a babe.

Music: Misfits, Dead Kennedys, The Cramps, X, Talking Heads, Sleater-Kinney, Bratmobile, Pissed Jeans, Tribe Called Quest., Beastie Boys, Hole, Liars, Mr. T Experience, ABBA, The song "Overnight Celebrity" by Twista. Nelly (yes THAT Nelly). Kanye's College Dropout is probably my most listened to album this past year.

TV: Dateline Mysteries, Drunk History. X-Files. Twin Peaks. Arrow. The Flash. Legends of Tomorrow. Deadwood. True Blood. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Simpsons seasons 3-10. I've seen every episode of Beverly Hills 90210 a million times. Considering a "Donna Martin Graduates" tattoo.

Food: Breakfast foods at every meal. Sushi. Pizza. Burgers. Thai Flavors Drunken Noodles. Those peanut butter rice crispy treats at the counter at Caseys. Good lord, I was gone from Iowa for like 10 years and fucking forgot about those. I eat them ALL THE TIME to make up for all the ones I missed. Every Saturday my cousin and I go to our grandparents' house for dinner so all that good midwestern bland cooking like tater tot casserole and meatloaf.
The six things I could never do without
1. Books
2. My Dog
3. Something to sew
4. Thrift Stores
5. My Family
6. Karaoke
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What other people are thinking about.

How the guitar solo from "We Are 138" is simultaneously the best and worst thing.

Trying to decide which Built To Spill song is the most beautiful. Right now I'm leaning toward Randy Described Eternity from the Live Album.

Worrying if I might like jam bands because I really enjoy early Modest Mouse and it gets into some questionable territory.

How bored my dog must be all the time.

How if time travel were real and someone came up to me and was like "you can go anywhere you want" my choice would probably be to go back to kill Huey Lewis in order to prevent the album "Sports" from being recorded. I seriously hate that album more than words can express.
On a typical Friday night I am
I'm trying to update this regularly because I am cool.

5/27/16
I got a pizza and crazy bread at Little Caesar's and I didn't eat any of the pizza. I just feel self-conscious when I want to just eat a whole bag of Crazy Bread for dinner. Getting a pizza also gives the illusion that I have people to eat with. Then I watched an episode of Prison Break. Wentworth Miller is so beautiful that I can only watch him for an hour at a time. Also, that show is kind of terrible. THEN I started looking through the comixology unlimited APP and decided it's a rip off because they only give you the first volume. Read the first volume of The Wicked + the Divine. Pretty decent. Now for the past 20 minutes or so I've been working on my summer goal which is being able to rap along with Twista's Overnight Celebrity from memory. Aim high. Reach for the stars. Right now I'm in the "just listening to the song and learning the lyrics through osmosis" stage and doing Kanye's chorus. After this I plan on continuing to read Black God's Kiss by C.L. Moore which a friend recommended years ago and I just downloaded the other day because I remembered it. Then around 2AM I will probably just look at tumblr until my eyes fall out of my head.

6/3/16
Started the evening off by going to the gas station by my house where I have a crush on the dude who works at the register. He called me cute and I got flustered and stumbled out and then tried repeatedly to open the locked door of my car. Came home and somehow ended up watching youtube videos of little kids playing truth or dare. Which then led to watching a video of weird teenagers playing spin the bottle. Then I took a nap. I woke up and ate half a big bag of Biscuits and Gravy lays because I hate my life and wanted to experience horrible heartburn. Decided to go for a walk with the dog and casually stroll by the aforementioned gas station but my dog decided to take a giant dump before we got there and the poop bags I have are crappy (ha) and it was ripped down both sides so just like a sheet of plastic and I had to cup my dog's poop in my hand the whole way back to the house. I mean, I used the plastic barrier but whatever. It just wouldn't be sexy to show up to flirt with a handful of dog shit. Came home and cross stitched while hate watching the TV show The Expanse. I love the books and thought the TV show was pretty much garbage. Too much Tom Waits with bad hair and not enough Cutty. The last two episodes were pretty good though, but it's hard to fuck up the most intense scene of the first book. I could write a lot more about my opinions on sci-fi but let's face it, you probably don't care because you just looked at my pictures and thought "oooohhh manic pixie dream girl take me away from my boring life. Sprinkle your quirkiness all over me." Now I plan on continuing to re-read Preacher. I'm in love with Cass forever and ever. Until the end of the world perhaps? Oh god, I'm awful.

6/10/16
I went to St Vincent DePaul thrift store and bought like 4 wall hangings. One was a big copper 3-D buffalo. It's magnificent. I came home and ate some pudding cups for dinner. Yes, I said "cups" plural. They were butterscotch and I'm an adult and no one can tell me I can't so YOLO. I stared at my computer for what seemed like hours pretending that I was listing things on my store but really I was just taking screen shots of horrible Des Moines craigslist ads so I could post them to Facebook for shaming purposes. Then I watched the second episode of Preacher for the 3rd time and then looked at gifs from the second episode of Preacher on Tumblr. After that I started season 2 of iZombie. Great show. Like Veronica Mars with brain eating. During all of this I was embroidering a rooster on a kitchen towel for a friend's housewarming present and the color scheme kind of seemed cool to me BUT when it was finished I was like "shit, this dude looks like Cornelius from the Corn Flakes box" but whatever. It looked cool. Then I read all about the new young adult fantasy novels that amazon recommended to me. Screen shots of more craigslist ads like a dude with limited English skills asking if "anyone over 60 has a big bush down below." Then I went to bed because I had a big day of garage sales planned for Saturday.

6/24/16 This is all out of order but OH WELL. I didn't update last week because my mom found out her coworker died in a motorcycle accident that night and my night was not fun. Tonight though, oh boy it was a laugh riot. I stopped at Goodwill before going to my grandparent's house for dinner and found this amazing needlepoint fireplace screen that MAY be from the 1890s and MAY be worth a couple hundred dollars. The lady in line wanted to buy it from me and I said no. She asked me what my house looked like and I said "like an 80 year old lady from the 1970s decorated it and then it went through a tornado" and she asked me if my house was also filled with cats. I said "surprisingly no" and she replied "You'll get there" which pissed me off because I was trying to flirt with the cashier who looked like a hot rip van winkle. Went to my grandparent's house and my grandma asked if I wanted to go halfsies on the ESPN body issue that's coming out because Jake Arrieta is going to be naked in it. I said "deal" because that's the sort of thing that makes life worth living. I mean, that dude is unreal. I came home and had every intention of doing stuff for my shop BUT instead I listened to Uptown Funk like 15 times in a row and then had to post about listening to Uptown Funk 15 times in a row on Facebook after texting my brother to tell him I was listening to Uptown Funk 15 times in a row. I have spent the last hour in some Pokemon k-hole trying to price a Pikachu lunch bag and I have learned nothing except that there is a wide selection of Pokemon lunch bags. Now I'm sitting here typing this which is a very productive use of time. I'm also going to write an angry note to a girl who hasn't paid me for My Little Pony clothes I sold on eBay. Not clothing with My Little Ponies on it BUT little clothing for My Little Ponies. This week I made $200 on My Little Pony merchandise that I found at thrift stores. Hey, you shitheads can brag about your burgeoning "comedy career" (aka open mics attended only by other hacks and drunk people) all over your fucking profile so I think I can say that I'm pretty damn good at reselling other people's discarded crap. For the rest of the evening I'm going to probably look at craigslist hoping to find a missed connection written about me but really just screen capping all the weird perverts and creeps and putting them in my "craigslist" folder on my computer. It's good to have hobbies. Then I'll probably try to figure out instagram for a while. I just started one today and my brother says I use too many hash tags. #i'mold #getoffmylawn

7/1
I've been trying to keep up my new instagram account and, in order to do so, I have to leave the house. So I went thrifting and purchased a Popples suitcase and a mug with a scared looking cat on it. Then I came home and decided that this was the perfect sort of night to listen to all of the music I listened to in college and haven't listened to in 10 years. Turns out Hot Hot Heat was a really bad band but that first Interpol album is still pretty legit. I saw that naked picture of Arrieta online and was really mad that his ass was obscured by his glove because his ass was what I was looking forward to. Then I practiced Overnight Celebrity for a bit. I'm able to do 75% of the first verse and then at least a line in all the other verses. I'm still really excellent at the chorus but I disagree with the lyrics site I was looking at that says it's "Get you ice like Kobe right" because I think it's totally "Get you ice like Kobe's wife." However, I've been wrong before like when I thought Keep It Comin' Love was Keep it Common Law and it was a song against marriage. Then I looked at tinder until I ran out of guys to reject. Swiped right on all the ISU student athletes in hopes that they could introduce me to Jameel McKay, my future husband. Took the dog on a walk and we went by the gas station because I'm 12. My crush told me my dress was cute earlier. I was going to ask him to the Urbandale carnival but then I just got panicky and left. Now for the past few hours I've been putting things in my store at a snail's pace and listening to "Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset" on repeat because some nights it's kind of fun to be overemotional and wallow. Then I'm planning on starting a new vampire novel. Gotta be up bright and early tomorrow to make it to a 10AM BINGO session. Just call me Shelia E because I'm truly living the glamorous life.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm listed as being in a "Domestic Partnership" with my dog on Facebook.

I will consume any vampire related media no matter how objectively horrible it is.

My most frequent google search is "Drake pelvic thrusting gifs"

I haven't ridden a bike in 8 years and didn't learn to ride until I was 21.
You should message me if
You know of a good karaoke place in Des Moines. Since I've moved back I haven't gone and now that Billy Joe's is closed I don't know what to do with my life.

You want to try a new place to eat and don't have anyone else to go with.

You don't think feminism is a dirty word. I don't shave! SCARY right? Not really, it's pretty luxurious.

I don't care if you drink socially or smoke weed every once and awhile BUT I'm pretty serious about my sobriety (got a tattoo to commemorate one year!) and if you get drunk more days than you don't then it would probably be a bad thing for me to hang out with you. It's not a judgement call. I don't think poorly of people who drink or do drugs. I just don't do anything half-assed and when I do drugs and drink I go way overboard and it's not fun.

Adding some caveats here because I'm getting so very close to deleting this thing:
"I wanna have sex with you forever. Be my wife" is not an appropriate means of introduction. Never message me this or anything like it.

If you start off with "greetings" I will think you're an alien. Also, you are not the first person to message me beginning with "greetings" and a winky face like hahaha you're so original right? No. Stop it.

OH GOD Okay so I've seen this like 10,000 times tonight in looking at profiles. The fucking answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42. Jesus. That's the lamest "nerd cred" question ever. You are lame.

Also, if you read all of this and are thinking "Boy, I bet she really wants to hear about my kinky polyamorous steampunk dr. who lifestyle" you are absolutely wrong. I know I'm eliminating 95% of the people who seem to be attracted to me on this website by saying that but do you know how many of you there are? It's exhausting and quite frankly embarrassing. Punk/Metal/Hip Hop nerds only. No nerd nerds.
More