I'm pretty sure it was Oscar Wilde who first wrote, "Everything in the world is about sex, except OkCupid profiles. OkCupid profiles are about finding someone to give you free therapy and restaurant recommendations."
???: It looks like you're trying to write an online dating profile. Would you like some help?
"Clippy?! I haven't seen you since 8th grade. "
Clippy: Where we used to crush essays!
"Look, Clippy, all due respect you might be a little out of your depth. I'm fighting years of anxiety, alienation and a catholic upbringing rife with sexual and emotional repression to try and establish some sort of connection with other people. How could you possibly help?"
Clippy: Well I can elicit a sense of nostalgia and voice a perspective that demonstrates awareness. That and the only writing longer than a status update you've done since college has been sketch dialogue.
"Seamless exposition. Seamless. "
Clippy: You yell into a void on behalf of old people?
Most days it yells back into me.
I'm sorting out a move to Omaha from Portland, OR. While Portland has been great, the people I care about most and the ones who I think will help me continue to grow are in Omaha.
Clippy: You were part of the theater scene in the coolest city in the country and you're leaving it?
Cool is sometimes at odds with sincerity.
Clippy: "Really good," is subjective. Interests and passions should be enough.
pool, cooking, trivia, meta-jokes
Clippy: Popular interests for your location include PBR, hallucinogens and yoga. Consider adding these to your list.
I am pretty good at PBR
"That's a cool shirt." 2
"You look like a guy who digs sexy ladies and cheap drinks! " 3*
Clippy: Did you know- proper citation of interviews an author has conducted off record require "personal communication," be listed as the source?
1. Becky, (personal communication, Jan 2011)
2. Various sources about various t-shirts (personal communications, between Oct 2010- Oct 2016)
3. Street Advertiser Outside Spyce Gentlemen's Club (personal communications, June 2013)
*Academic honesty dictates I should note: his observation, while true, was likely biased.
IJ is the top of my list-
"Infinite Jest, the definitive post modern novel."
Chuck Klosterman, and other deep looks at media.
Clippy:Wasn't IJ about the dangers of becoming too immersed in media? What about Vonnegut? Everyone loves Vonnegut.
Vonnegut (Assuming you understand "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt," trumps "So it goes.")
Clippy: Urg. You trashed the only literary quote anyone knows. Congrats. What about movies?
Clippy: That's kind of charged.
I loved the originals and stood by them long after my peers had moved on to TMNT. It's genuinely heartwarming to see a reinvention that's more inclusive.
Clippy: Deft! TV? You have one?!
Bojack Horseman, Better Call Saul, Hannibal,
Moral Orel season 3
Clippy: What? Even Tim Burton abandoned morose claymation. Should I just autocomplete "you probably haven't heard of it," for music?
Ike Reilly. Mary Prankster. The Real Tuesday Weld. Stuff that's bitter, but remembers when it was angry.
Clippy: I hope you die. I hope we both die.
And the Mountain goats.
When it comes to food Chris Bianco put it best, " You fuckin' fill in the blank, I love it."
Clippy: It's been awhile since you last saved your document. We could both pretend this never happened...
A. Creative outlets
1. wait, Ctrl-Z
a. it's a list not an outline!
☻. I don't think I'm comfortable with that emoji and I'm certain that's not the correct sub header
II. A way of undoing autoformatting
Empathy and "This is Water"
The Spain episode of No Reservations
"On a scale from 0 to 1, are you happy?"
Clippy: Leave one section blank to cultivate an air of mystery and express a cavalier attitude.
Other contenders in the three (!!!) bins of holograms the consignment shop had included Holographic Venus on the half shell, Holographic Mona Lisa, and Holographic Last Supper, but this seemed to fit best with my internet bullshit aesthetic.
It is not yet on my wall cause I haven't thrifted a frame yet and the ways my maturity manifest are basically random.
You can help me upgrade from Windows 95.
Clippy: Really honest.
I want someone to talk with. Someone who will draw weird parallels with me, and play along with fascietious arguments.
Clippy: Press Ctrl-P to print your document...