31 Portland, United States
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My self-summary
Well, I guess I'm still a work in progress--

???: It looks like you're trying to write an online dating profile. Would you like some help?

"Clippy?! I haven't seen you since 8th grade. "

Clippy: Where we used to crush essays!

"Look, Clippy, all due respect you might be a little out of your depth. I'm fighting years of anxiety, alienation and a catholic upbringing rife with sexual and emotional repression to try and establish some sort of connection with other people. How could you possibly help?"

Clippy: Well I can elicit a sense of nostalgia and voice a perspective that demonstrates awareness. That and the only writing longer than a status update you've done since college has been sketch dialogue.

"Seamless exposition. Seamless. "
What I’m doing with my life
I moved to-

Clippy: Use present tense to engage the reader!

Moving to Portland, six years ago, was-

Clippy: Present!

..stands as one the best decisions I have ever m-

Clippy:! decisions... ever. Though it's not that competitive.

Clippy: Optimism!

My current job is editing/researching/reporting possible elder financial abuse for a bank. It should be rewarding, but the labyrinthine department structure means I never learn how incidents are followed up on.

Clippy: You yell into a void on behalf of old people?

Most days it yells back into me.
I’m really good at
Generally speaking, I've got a pretty refined palette. The downside is I spend a lot of time focusing on the flaws in anything I work on. so it's tough to feel like I've really mastered anything.

Clippy: "Really good," is subjective. Interests and passions should be enough.

pool, cooking, trivia, meta-jokes

Clippy: Popular interests for your location include PBR, hallucinogens and yoga. Consider adding these to your list.

I am pretty good at PBR
The first things people usually notice about me
"You look like a young Momar Gaddafi." 1
"That's a cool shirt." 2
"You look like a guy who digs sexy ladies and cheap drinks! " 3*

Clippy: Did you know- proper citation of interviews an author has conducted off record require "personal communication," be listed as the source?


1. Becky, (personal communication, Jan 2011)

2. Various sources about various t-shirts (personal communications, between Oct 2010- August 2016)

3. Street Advertiser Outside Spyce Gentlemen's Club (personal communications, June 2013)
*Academic honesty dictates I should note: his observation, while true, was likely biased.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
IJ is the top of my list-

Clippy: IJ?

"Infinite Jest, the definitive post modern novel."

Clippy: Pretentious

Chuck Klosterman, and other deep looks at media.

Clippy:Wasn't IJ about the dangers of becoming too immersed in media? What about Vonnegut? Everyone loves Vonnegut.

Vonnegut (Assuming you understand "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt," trumps "So it goes.")

Clippy: Urg. You trashed the only literary quote anyone knows. Congrats. What about movies?


Clippy: That's kind of charged.

I loved the originals and stood by them long after my peers had moved on to TMNT. It's genuinely heartwarming to see a reinvention that's more inclusive.

Clippy: Deft!

If you know a local source for ecto-cooler and key lime twinkies and want to sneak them into a saturday morning showing, LMK.

Clippy: Dorky. TV? You have one?!

Bojack Horseman, Better Call Saul, Hannibal,

Clippy: Rote.

Moral Orel season 3

Clippy: What? Even Tim Burton abandoned morose claymation. Should I just autocomplete "you probably haven't heard of it," for music?

Ike Reilly. Mary Prankster. The Real Tuesday Weld. Stuff that's bitter, but remembers when it was angry.

Clippy: I hope you die. I hope we both die.

And the Mountain goats.

When it comes to food Chris Bianco put it best, " You fuckin' fill in the blank, I love it."

Clippy: It's been awhile since you last saved your document. We could both pretend this never happened...
The six things I could never do without
I. Intelligent conversation
    A. Creative outlets
        1. wait, Ctrl-Z
              a. it's a list not an outline!
                   ☻. I don't think I'm comfortable with that emoji and I'm certain that's not the correct sub header

II. A way of undoing autoformatting
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The most recent (non-sports) article on The Ringer, or Bitch, or Paste, or VerySmartBrothas, or AVclub, or Overthinkingit.

Empathy and "This is Water"

The Spain episode of No Reservations
On a typical Friday night I am
I’m an empty essay... fill me out!

Clippy: Leave one section blank to cultivate an air of mystery and express a cavalier attitude.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I recently acquired a holographic (!!!) version of this masterpiece.

Other contenders in the three (!!!) bins of holograms the consignment shop had included Holographic Venus on the half shell, Holographic Mona Lisa, and Holographic Last Supper, but this seemed to fit best with my internet bullshit aesthetic.

It is not yet on my wall cause I haven't thrifted a frame yet and the ways my maturity manifest are basically random.
You should message me if
Clippy: Be honest about what you want in a partner.

You can help me upgrade from Windows 95.

Clippy: Really honest.

Fellow eccentrics. Anyone who wants to kick around ideas. Adventurous eaters. I'm not looking a for a partner in crime, I'm looking my Dr. Girlfriend.

Clippy: Press Ctrl-P to print your document...